boyfriend devastated after failing, how can I help?

[mentee]

bf and I are both surgical residents .. he recently failed an exam that he studied very hard for and expected to pass ..

 

this has thrown a wrench into everything .. he has to retake the exam, but he's already on a tight schedule - deadlines for research papers he has to submit in a month, deadlines for fellowship application in 2 months, and another (more important) in-service exam to study for in 3 months ... it's already difficult to get any SLEEP in residency, even harder to squeeze in studying and research .. on top of that, his confidence has been shot, and it broke my heart to see him slumped over in his chair yesterday, whispering how he feels like a failure and a disappointment ..

 

if I were in his shoes, I'd be devastated and extremely stressed, so I think for the most part he's handling it ok (or better than I would) .. I just feel so bad/stressed for him, but I couldn't do anything except tell him that I'm confident he will accomplish his long-term goals, even if this may hurt his application for a more competitive fellowship ... I couldn't think of anything else that's assuring to say to him .. besides that I loved him and that he's always a star in my eyes ..

 

what else can I do to help?? I had a lot of work to do last night but I wanted to sit there and hug him and just talk .. but he was really sweet and said I shouldn't neglect my own work in order to help him .. I just want him to feel better about himself, and I know that it's ultimately up to him, but I'm feeling sad/worried/stressed for him (a little codependent I know) ..

[MissIndigo]

You feel bad for him because you love him--I don't think that's codependent at all. Given that you're working in the same profession, I have no doubt how much his pain resonates with you. I can relate--myself and my SO are in academic medicine (the research side of things though) and we have had some crappity-crap stuff like this happen to us over our careers. I do not know where else, other than within our relationship, we could have gotten better support and understanding though--being close professionally as well as personally helped expedite the healing process. We invest a lot of identity in our work, especially at this level...and when you're dealt a blow like this, it can make one feel like their whole person has been brought down. I've had to learn how to develop an identity away from my career (easier said than done, especially given how intensely I can work sometimes), so that I won't be torn out of the frame every time there's a blow.

 

Your BF is in a period of grieving and mourning--I say let him ride it out (as long as he's still managing to get his other work done), and always remind him you are there for him at any time. That he acknowledges you have your own work to do and doesn't want you to spend your energy worrying about him so much is, to me, not only kind, but is also the sign of a confident person. He probably knows he will bounce back, even if the feelings of shock and disappointment are paramount right now. He may want to reassess his goals after this experience, and be there to talk that through with him if he wishes.

 

As for other ways to help, is it possible he could delegate some of the tasks to you if you have time and are willing, like help with maybe proofreading the research papers or helping him organize his application materials?

[Scorpion Fury]

Do not neglect your own work to help him, but if you can help him on top of doing your own work, then ask him if there's anything you can do to help him. Do you understand the material on the exam better than he did? If so, then help try to help him prepare for his re-exam.

 

It's gonna be hard for a while and you will both be stressed and busy. it's hard becoming a suregeon! If it wasn't, everyone would do it. He will be ok.

[geekgirl4]

I think leaving small post it notes with words of love and encouragement would be a great idea - you can leave it on his car keys before he goes to work, on the bathroom mirror, in his car dashboard, etc. Those are really quick and easy to do. Send him hilarious jokes or articles to make him laugh. Bake a cake!

[lifeplanner]

you both need to not give up and do what you can to sleep. also just keep being there for him. you will both make dreams come true in due time.