Loss of Illusions

[Rosa]

Our losses include not only our separations and departures from those we love, but our conscious and unconscious losses of romantic dreams, impossible expectations, illusions of freedom and power, illusions of safety- and the loss fo our younger self, the self that thought it would always be unwrinkled and invulnerable and immortal.

 

Why is is that we always tend to think of losses as negative and resulting in our having less? This perception probably relates to our trying to control our lives rather than participating in them, as well as our trying to make the living, moving process that is life's reality static.

 

Take romantic dreams for example. Have we ever stop to realize how much trouble our romantic dreams get us into?

When we insist on our romantic notions, we absolutely refuse to see people and life the way they are and try every means possible to make the situation the way we want it. We cling to who we want people to be, refusing to get to know them. What a loss! We may be grieving the wrong thing. When we grieve loss, what we may really need to grieve is the loss of knowing the real person, not our fantasy of them.

Many people find that losing their romantic dreams and imposible expectaions is a relief. It's like a heavy backpack we have been lugging around has been put to rest.

Maybe, just maybe, when we change our attitude toward losses, we will have more energy to live life.

 

Are you clinging to some fond illusions that you are ready to leave behind?

Take a look.....

 

[donefor79]

I see ur pt. but to play devils advicate, dont u think with out hopes and dreams life would be dull. I am a guy and I think u need to find that person that does that to u, that person u think is perfect to u cause ur right in reality they are not perfect. But to u they are and what they say and do seems right, im not saying its always perfect but I think everyone is perfectly flawed in someway to someone...no one is the best for everyone, that is y we all like different people w. diff. ideas...gotta respect them for thier views. I mean if u never dreamed about things what would u reach for???

[Mr. Good Man]

Rosa,

 

I have learned over the years that many people don't want to change. They want everyone and everything to conform to their way of thinking, doing and believing. The cause of this, in my opinion, are the items you mentioned "Illusions", "Fantasies" and "Perceptions."

 

It's unfortunate, but so many people believe the illusions without understanding there must be balance. Is that not what we all desire to achieve in the end…balance between our work life, home life, hobbies, love, etc.

 

You are absolutely right when you stated a weight is taken off your shoulders when the romantic dreams are let go. Yet, that is also a very difficult thing to do. Or is it?

 

While many may disagree with me, I feel the best way to get rid of the garbage in one's life is to be with oneself. No distractions. No drama. Just a really good and thorough look at what's making you unhappy and figuring out a solution.

 

I wish more people realized they created most, if not all, of the problems they have today. If they continue to live in the "Illusions", "Fantasies" and have skewed "Perceptions" I feel they are doomed to repeat the same mistakes over and over again.

 

You seem to be aware that many people don't participate in life. That's good. If more people realize they can literally create the life they desire they would kick themselves for not doing it sooner.

 

Finally, isn't it ironic that people are looking for the answers to their problems yet when they get them they continue with the same actions expecting a different result? Like I always said, "Life isn't hard. You just make it hard."

[Rosa]

Donefor79,

 

I don't think you got the message right, I do believe in hopes and dreams, you are right life would be dull without then, what my message is trying to say is that illusions sometimes make you see and feel for someone something that in reality they aren't, and so we try to change them instead of accepting who they really are, and then when we loose them we are loosing the illusion of who we wanted them to be, instead of who they really are....(sounds kinda confusing right?) , and so we get disappointed and say "oh, we just didn't see eye to eye" or "we fight too much" (that's my own personal quote) and we loose sight of reality because we are so focused on this "impossible dream and imposible expectations" that we miss out on all the other good stuff that person has to offer, and in Mr Goodman's word..." life isn't hard, you just make it hard" know whatI mean?

I hope that you get the right idea, I posted this message to help others understand that we are the descicion makers in our lives, not your partner, or your mom, dad, best friend, or your ex boyfriend!!!!!

[donefor79]

I am going through a break up right now, that was a good view point to have. U are right u got love urself!!! I know that when I let this girl take control of me, and made me a person im not. That means i never had enough confidence in myself to tell her to leave, until going through counseling sessions and missing my finally semester at college....i got myself together and that is one thing im working on, that is myself....no better advice than that. That is the only thing u can change and improve, the lord knows u cant change anyone else!!!

[donefor79]

I dont like ur "illusions" theory more or less for the word. Illusions I associete with magic acts, which are meant to fool the audience. So since u are making an illusion u are essetially lying to urself......that is not something that could feel postive about.

What I believe u might like better is expecting and holding ur partner accontable, that is part of communicating and a solid relatiionship. I mean those quotes u stated were the typical easy outs. I know my x girlfriend and I had a good discussion and when I was done with our convo I knew y and didnt make illussion or fall to them. In fact, I held her to hers and she held me to mine. Its we have different expections for ourselves and goals and desires in our case.....in short of course. Again, those expectations are created from what I hold myself too and what she held herself too. Even we broke up we had a good convo, and who know what will happen, but I know y i broke up with her and wont involve myself till i can provide my wholeself to the next person i date....bagage is awful, u may not agree, but i think u are not giving urself or the other person a chance if u have issues w. ur x's. My opinion again, just goes back to wthat i expect of myself and in turn what i would expect from someone else......looking forward to hearing ur response...intellegent convos are fun!!

[donefor79]

wow i just read my last reply sorry for the typos i feel like an idiot after reading that again...hope u get the pt. though

[Rosa]

I dont like ur "illusions" theory more or less for the word. Illusions I associete with magic acts, which are meant to fool the audience. So since u are making an illusion u are essetially lying to urself......that is not something that could feel postive about.

 

OK, you got the right idea, Illusions are meant to trick you, in this case is the the heart, sometimes the heart can be discieving, I mean sometimes the heart tells you to do one thing, which is controlled by emotions, and the mind tells you to do another, (the one that's usually right by the way...) and so Illusions come in play here when emotions take control and lead to to believe scenarios that are not healthy in a relationship, and then these behaviors become habits, I mean we are creatures of habits, and then start to create illusions of how the realtionship should be and the more you try to fix it, the more it goes to the dumps. you know what i mean?

 

I mean those quotes u stated were the typical easy outs.

 

what do you mean by this? I didn't think I was taking a way out of anything...please explain...

 

I know my x girlfriend and I had a good discussion and when I was done with our convo I knew y and didnt make illussion or fall to them. In fact, I held her to hers and she held me to mine. Its we have different expections for ourselves and goals and desires in our case.....in short of course. Again, those expectations are created from what I hold myself too and what she held herself too. Even we broke up we had a good convo, and who know what will happen, but I know y i broke up with her and wont involve myself till i can provide my wholeself to the next person i date....

 

OK, in your case you did the right thing and the best of all is that you both agreed, and those cases do exist, in life you go thru a few partners to get to the right one, that is what we are all trying to do....get to the right one...

 

You said: "bagage is awful, u may not agree, but i think u are not giving urself or the other person a chance if u have issues w. ur x's"

 

 

Bagage IS a problem, I would love to get rid of all of my bagage so I can start a new chapter in my life, and that's what I'm trying to do right now. So I do agree with you on this.

 

My opinion again, just goes back to wthat i expect of myself and in turn what i would expect from someone else......

 

DITTO

 

I hope you understand my point a little more now,