depression.

[im_the_undead]

seems like i'm always on that boat and i can't get off no matter how hard i try.

i've been on it since i was in elementry school, gradually the ship's been sinking deeper and deeper.

 

how do you know when you have a serious problem though?

apparently i mask it well, even though i admit i feel like i have a problem, my family just thinks i'm retarded and don't know what i'm talking about.

they seem so convincing too..

 

i don't even know anything within myself anymore.

[betrthanurex]

I think every one suffers from some level of depression... or opposite.

 

My parents thought I was off my rocker, too.

 

Everyone needs some kind of motivation, guidance, advice, an ear...

 

Those all help.

[WockaWocka]

It's a serious problem if it interferes with your daily functioning and causes loss of sleep, appetite changes, difficulty accomplishing goals, social shyness, etc. Do you have health insurance? Can you see a therapist or doctor? The kind of deep depression you describe is difficult to escape from without medical help, although exercise, sunshine, omega 3 and 6 (fish oil), friends, and other things can help. But I'd try to see a doctor or a therapist if I were you.

 

Good luck.

[im_the_undead]

i don't have any type of insurance

well, i don't really have many friends but i'm trying as hard as i can to make new ones..and i take omega & flax seed oil.

 

uhm, these past 2 years i've gotten really sick [physically] and i've lost a lot of weight..my lowest was about 94 pounds, i'm up to102 now...

according to my family the solution is to eat more, leave my boyfriend, and wear a sweater..but i eat more than anyone iknow, when ever i "leave" my bf for a second i get even sicker and aside from that & i still get sick every year w. pneumonia, the flu, stomach virus or something and end up looking annorexic.

i know it's depression,

i just can't convince my mom to take me to get help...... i kind of depend on her for rides & support [i'm a full time college student working a minimum wage crappy job hardly enough to pay for anything & i hardly ever get any support]

 

i'm about to start saving up in my piggy bank but i don't want to waste money if i end up having "nothing serious"

[sherryberrypie]

It's never a waste of money to try to find a solution to a problem.

 

I've told this story a few times on here already, but I think it's worthwhile, and if it can help just one person, then I'm happy to repeat myself.

 

For most of my adult life (18 onwards) I hadn't felt like myself--but it was difficult to know who that person was. I thought maybe I had just changed when I moved from being a teen to an adult, but I never felt truly happy. Not in over 6 years. Incredibly draining. It just got worse and worse, to the point where by the time I hit 22, I was having suicidal thoughts and regular meltdowns. Every aspect of my life suffered and I used so much energy TRYING to be happy to to pretend to be happy that it was making it worse. At 24, after a major meltdown, I knew I had to do something. I saw my doctor. I took some surveys. I was honest with him. I made myself put the happy mask away and let myself cry in front of my doctor, admit how scared I was.

 

I was prescribed a low dose of anti-depressants. I've been on them for about 7 months and from month 2, it was such a huge change. I was ME again. The me who had been lost for so long, or who only came out on very rare occasions. I had motivation, new friends, I felt happy and productive. I never felt drugged or artificial. The first time taking them was no fun, I'll admit.

I'm currently weaning myself off of the drugs because my doctor thinks I've been on them long enough. I'm only a little nervous about not being on them, and I have never for one second regretted spending the extra money on the prescriptions. If you need some medication, it's nothing to be ashamed of, and it's worth every penny ( most are not even really that expensive) to re-balance those chemicals in your brain. See a doctor, and go from there. I promise, you won't regret it.

[im_the_undead]

i have suicidal thoughts.. often..

since i was about 13 or 14...

i thought that was common with teenagers then & now, idk?

 

Uhm.. what did you take & how much did you pay? this really is starting to sound like a miricale.

[sherryberrypie]

It's not a "normal" thing to have suicidal thoughts, but I really think it's more common than anyone will admit.

 

I take citalopram, 10 mg. I have health insurance through my uni, but without it, I would still only pay $50 for 60 tabs anyways.

 

I went to see a campus counsellor before going to my doctor, but it was useless because I just put on my happy face because I was too scared to be "real", and she didn't think I had any problems at all.

 

I don't think drugs are the solution to everything, but in this case, it was definitely the solution. I had so many physical symptoms as well, that have really cleared up. Are you going to go see your doctor soon? I really hope you do. Even if you don't need meds, there are other things that really help: regular exercise, healthy eating, lots of time with friends and family, all the cheesy stuff-- it really works.

[WockaWocka]

i just can't convince my mom to take me to get help...... i kind of depend on her for rides & support [i'm a full time college student working a minimum wage crappy job hardly enough to pay for anything & i hardly ever get any support]

 

i'm about to start saving up in my piggy bank but i don't want to waste money if i end up having "nothing serious"

 

Suicidal thoughts and an overwhelming feeling of hopelessness are definitely serious, no matter how you slice it. It's not like going to the doctor thinking you have a sinus infection and hoping to get antibiotics but then being told it's viral and the antibiotics wouldn't help. In mental health, your symptoms are your symptoms, period. Of course they will have to diagnose you, but it's not like you could go to a mental health counselor describing these kinds of symptoms and they'd say "nothing serious, next patient please." Especially given that your symptoms have persisted for a long time, you can't just wait them out any longer. You owe it to yourself to see if you can get treatment. Your mood may even be what's suppressing your immune system and contributing to your chronic illnesses. People with your symptoms can generally become much more functional after taking antidepressants and/or getting cognitive therapy.

 

You said you're a full-time student, does your campus have a low- or no-cost counseling center for students? I think it's almost mandatory for universities and colleges to offer this type of care to students (especially in the wake of Virginia Tech, ironic how tragedies can be of indirect benefit to others).

 

Hang in there, and please try to find a professional who will work with you. Therapy and/or antidepressants aren't an instant cure and it will be more difficult for you without health insurance, but there are lots of places where if you provide proof of [low] income they will treat you for low or no cost. Over the course of a few months or a year your quality of life can improve dramatically and you can become much more functional and motivated.

 

Please don't give up. Please find a way to get help.

[im_the_undead]

right now, at this very instant, i feel overwhelemed with hopelessness and rage.

this happens way too often, the feeling almost makes me want to vomit.

anyway, i know my depression has made me really sick in the past...i'm tired of it wearing on my body

i'm hesitant to take medication because a long time ago my sister took some

and she was seeing things... seeing giant spiders and stuff, idk it was crazy. plus she was a HUGE douche..

now that she's off of them she is still a huge douchlord.

 

every person's body is dif., i'm guessing the results would be different, but what exactly does it feel like while on the meds?or what is it supposed to feel like..? i'm afraid it'll take my focus off important things like school.

[sherryberrypie]

Clearly she wasn`t on suitable meds. Even if you opt not to go for meds, seek counselling, seek help. You don`t have to put up with feeling like crap mentally and physically, all of the time.

[WockaWocka]

right now, at this very instant, i feel overwhelemed with hopelessness and rage.

this happens way too often, the feeling almost makes me want to vomit.

anyway, i know my depression has made me really sick in the past...i'm tired of it wearing on my body

i'm hesitant to take medication because a long time ago my sister took some

and she was seeing things... seeing giant spiders and stuff, idk it was crazy. plus she was a HUGE douche..

now that she's off of them she is still a huge douchlord.

 

every person's body is dif., i'm guessing the results would be different, but what exactly does it feel like while on the meds?or what is it supposed to feel like..? i'm afraid it'll take my focus off important things like school.

 

There are probably more than 20 different antidepressants on the market, not to mention other drugs for bipolar, etc. None of the antidepressants should make you hallucinate, and very few of them should disrupt your concentration with school. (If they did, no one would take them). As you said every person's body is different and you'd have to see what your experience on them is like, but ideally you will feel like yourself except your baseline mood will improve. You will still have highs and lows but the lows won't go so low, if that makes sense. Symptoms are often mild, at least for the tried-and-true ones. But as sherryberrypie said, drugs may not even be recommended. The main issue now is just to get in and see someone and get their advice. you definitely don't deserve to feel like this.

[im_the_undead]

thanks guys

is it strange to feel like an idiot for basically allowing myself to feel so low? i feel like such a p--sy.

i'velost selfcontrol & let my self image & these toxic thoughts to take over my life. nothing is easier than to fixate on things that hurt me dearly.

it's as if i'm afraid to feel happieness, how pathetic

 

something that made my depression about 50% worse was reading this book called "Who turned off my brain?" It's supposed to be very helpful & highly recommended.

However, it made me desperately depressed & angry. The book made me even fanticise about getting rid of the certain people who have done the most damage to me... & i mean rid of them permanently. How horrible ! D':

[sherryberrypie]

It's not pathetic, it's what you know. I was terrified to acknowledge that I wasn't able to fix it on my own, and terrified to go on meds. But they've been kind to me. The first day I took them I felt very sleepy and woozy, and after that, nothing.

 

When you're feeling bad, really work hard on thinking about the good things, past or present. Every time bad thoughts creep in, kick them out. It's hard at first, but it gets easier with practice.

 

I'm going to google that book now.

[im_the_undead]

will do! i'm as determined as it gets.

& my mom is currently reading that book.. she says she likes it a lot