7 months on...my thoughts.

[spatzcolumbo]

One of the hardest things about breaking up (i have come to realise) is that there will ALWAYS be some remaining feeling there. I assume it will eventually be a feeling of acceptance and indifference. However, i also realise that it takes a long time to get there.

 

I am posting this here because it seems kinda half relevant, and its something i thought people might find useful / interesting.

 

It has been 7 months for me, and i started thinking that i was over it all, until this last weekend, when it has come back to me.

 

After 6 months i started seeing a new girl, but have been taking it lightly and trying not to push anything too much. If anything, this new girl has made me realise that i miss my ex more than ever. Unfortunately, so many people point out (and rightly so i believe) that you need to have a new relationship in order to help you move on from a previous relationship.

 

Around the time i met the new girl, i started 'getting out there' a lot - being a lot more sociable, and chatting to a lot of random people. It made me feel amazing. I could talk to people completely randomly and get on really well with all these people that i thought were way out of my league. It dulled the thoughts of my ex to the point where i could think about her and feel (for the first time in 6 months) that it was HER loss and not my loss. When you get this feeling, it is a MAJOR step.

 

It is VITAL that you give yourself time to heal, but that you also balance this with going out and meeting new people. I wish i had done it sooner.

 

However, it is also VITAL that we all understand that meeting new people can also backfire on you, and can leave you feeling empty inside (the way i have felt this weekend just gone). Meeting new people is amazing at boosting your ego, and making you feel good about socialising and dating. You start to realise that there will be someone else out there who will be better than the ex. You start thinking that maybe being single is not so bad after all. You have fun, you meet more people, and you don't have to think about that other person all the time.

 

The important thing whilst doing this though is to make sure you don't forget about your ex. Most people on this board cannot forget about their ex anyway. When meeting new people, be honest with yourself, and accept that you will still think about the ex a lot. Do not punish yourself for doing this. It is a good thing. It keeps things in perspective. I made the mistake of letting my guard down - i started thinking "this is great i don't care any more about all that stuff". The moment i started thinking that, a couple of small things hit me out of the blue, and made me realise i still miss my ex more than anything EVERY SINGLE DAY. Don't let meeting new people simply push your ex to the back of your mind....the thoughts will come back to haunt you at some point. Merely go out with an open mind to meeting new people, but realise that your ex will always be in your head somewhere...just like you will most likely always be in their head!!!

 

Concentrate on enjoying yourself, but accept that you will have bad days. Accept that some days you will miss the ex like crazy. Even after 6 months, 12 months, whatever....you will still miss them every now and then. Even when you are with someone new, you can still miss the ex. Accept it. Don't fight it. Don't beat yourself up having those thoughts. Don't punish yourself.

 

One of the best ways to get into someone's head is to make them realise that they are not in your head any more. My ex has seen me out with a couple of new women several times in the last 6 weeks, and i know that she wonders who they are. She has dug for information a couple of times, and got no answers from me. I act indifferently towards her. I know that this will get her thinking. Maybe not in the way i want, but at the very least i hope it will give me some self respect back in terms of the way i view our relationship. And who knows, maybe her seeing me flirting with these new girls, making them laugh, and having fun will make her stop for a few seconds and think "hey i remember when i was that girl, and i remember how much fun it was". If she thinks that, then thats a start. And if she doesn't, then at least i am out there having fun and enjoying myself.

 

People on this board (me included) type stuff about the No Contact rule until their fingers bleed....but the one piece of advice i wish i had been given at the start of all this was to get your head together, stand up, and realise your self-worth. Realise that you are worth more as a person than to end up beating yourself up over something you had no control over. Start concentrating on the things you DO have control over - like going out and meeting other people and having fun. Don't push yourself to do this straight away - it isn't natural...but when you feel that even the smallest part of you wnts to go for a drink...then do it.

 

But always remember, your ex will always be there...those thoughts will sneak up on you when you least expect them to. Be prepared for it and how to handle it.

 

I was at the pub the other night with an old friend (who happens to be really attractive) and whilst walking through the pub laughing and joking with her, i saw my ex sitting down having a staff drink...i didn't look at her, but used it to make sure she saw me. i know she did. A few minutes later i walked back through the pub on my own, and i saw my ex sitting there quietly with a deep thoughtful look on her face. In the middle of a group enjoying their staff drink. It made me sure she was sitting there thinking about the fact that she had just seen me with a girl who she doesn't know. i didn't look at her, didn't make eye contact, but just confidently walked past. And once i got outside i felt really bad. The thoughts came back into my head "what if she was wondering who that girl is...what if she was thinking about me...etc etc". I started thinking that maybe i can slowly get myself back on her radar...although i honestly don't think i ever dropped off her radar!!

 

These are the dangerous thoughts people need to be aware of...because they can bring you down right at the point you think you are doing so well!!

[water_baby]

thank you sooooo much. your post really got me thinking. you see...i have a really destructive streak when it comes to relationships and i sometimes do things i dont really want to ( such as break up with my bf). this time it back fired on me and we are over for good....i think...and i really needed some honest words to help me on my way. thanks a lot.

waterbaby

but i just have one question for you. if she came up to you today and asked you back would you decline? do you want to be with her again?

[spatzcolumbo]

Thats te problem - if she came back to me today i would still take her back. there would be certain conditions, and a LOT of talking, but i know i would take her back.

 

Some people would probably kill me for saying that, but its the truth!!

 

I just kinda got to thinking about a lot of the things that have changed over the last 7 months in terms of the way i perceive this whole 'game' and i figured it might be interesting to some people who are at the stage i was 7 months ago!!

 

Its one of the most horrible situations isn't it!!!

[Buffee]

Hi Spatzcolumbo,

 

Thank you for your post on here, it has helped me a little bit.

 

I have only been broken up with my ex for a month, and have a man who is interested in dating me, and I am really confused over this.

 

On one hand it feels great to having someone interested in me, but on the other hand it feels very weird and I am not sure if I am ready for this.

 

How do you know if it is too soon to be back out there?

 

Buffee

[spatzcolumbo]

ur on your own on that one - nobody can tell you whether you are or are not ready - you just have to go with your gut instinct. It depends on YOU!!!

 

I think the best thing is to go with the gut feeling, and remember you can always tell this guy that things are difficult for oyu because of the ex, and thereforeeee you want to take things really slow!!

[determined]

Spatz

 

I'm liking your post.

 

My relationship with the new gf is crashing and burning badly. Which is great....as I'm currently seeing her best friend.

 

My ex has turned me from the most loyal devoted bf to a sly snake.

 

It's going to blow up in my face!

[spatzcolumbo]

?!?!?!?!?!

 

Her Best Friend???

 

Are you mad??

 

i know what you mean though.

 

i am (in theory at least) 'with' the new girl, but i am still open to 'dating' others. Which is why i am half of the mind that i should tell the new girl i am not interested in a relationship!!!

 

I want to be in a relationship, but i also know at heart that the only one i really want is with my ex!!!

 

Aaarghhhhhhh.

 

But as i said in my post, i am learning to live with that, and get on with it anyway!!

[determined]

It gets sicker

 

We're going to the best friends house party this weekend. The best friend is a total nutter, she randomly turns up on my door last night and walks straight in and starts talking really loud.

 

Im like shhhh, (the gf lives next door)

Then the gf rings the best friend whilst she is in my living room and they have a long chat about me, the best friend obviously not letting on.

 

And I'm thinking, god this is sick and should be in east enders!!!

[spatzcolumbo]

You are right. That is just wrong.

 

I wouldn't even have the guts to do that. I don't think i would pull it off!!