When does "it" stop?

[msotaku]

I don't know if I'm really looking for an answer here as much as I am trying to get "it" out.

 

It's been about 5 weeks now. We were friends beforehand and dated for 9 months. We weren't fighting, in fact we were getting closer, I could tell on his part. Then one day, he just said that we should stop dating, he needed to be alone, he wasn't seeing anyone else; he was still attracted to me, I was great, our lives were becoming intertwined, I wasn't doing the things that typically aggravate him with other women at this point in the relationship, and when he was with me he was happy. So, when I tell people I have no idea why we broke up, I really mean it. I have no idea.

 

It doesn't really matter though, I guess. If someone doesn't want to be with you whether it be you or them, "why" doesn't matter since the why doesn't change the situation-- we are not together.

 

So when does the sadness stop? I've done NC as much as I can- we work together. I took him off my facebook, no drunk dialing, txts, etc. He's tried to talk to me about stupid things with no relevance to work or our relationship, I'll be polite but keep it short. I haven't done anything mean or vindictive like trying to make him jealous or talk trash and neither does he. I've been staying busy, I've started playing guitar again, taken an interest in cooking yoga, etc; going out. I'm looking for a new job. I've gone on a few dates (bad idea-- not ready yet and shouldn't bring anyone else into my messy head/heart). But I can't stop the sadness. The first three weeks I couldn't make it through the day without crying. Now it's less but I'll have to go to my car in the middle of the work day to get it out (nobody knows I do this BTW). Tonight I may very well cry myself to sleep. I may have a good day or two but for some reason something will set me off and I feel like I'm back to square one.

 

So when does it stop? How long am I going to be crazy for? I feel like a lunatic. The strong side of me says even though the break up makes no sense, I would never want to be with someone who gives up on us because I wouldn't; then the sad desperate side just wants him back.

 

Thoughts? Advice? Inspiring Quotes?

[jellysandwich]

It stops when you want it to stop. The more you think about it, the more you feed the thought of him, the longer it lasts.

[onthebound]

in many ways, i know how you feel. i'm afraid i don't really have any advice to offer as i'm still in that situation myself and dying for these stupid feelings to just be gone. i will say that it's good you're looking for a new job. the further away from him you can get, the easier it will be for you.

 

i wish you luck, and i hope it gets better for you soon.

[eatpraylove]

I agree with otb, getting away from him is best because it keeps the wound open.

 

You are doing great as far as holding it together around him, not feeding his ego, caving w/ the contact or LC or anything. I knnooooow it's sooo hard and you're running to cry in privacy and, honestly, I give you so much credit because you are grieving, you are staying busy, getting involved in things that interest you and tho ur confused as to why it all happened the way it did, you are not sacrificing your dignity begging to know why.

 

A mistake unfortunately I know all to well. All I can say is keep doing what you're doing and def try to get away from him so you can heal quicker.

 

You got a good head on your shoulders, keep your chin up and def come on here to vent, it helps.

 

EPL

[msotaku]

It stops when you want it to stop. The more you think about it, the more you feed the thought of him, the longer it lasts.

 

I guess that's the problem, I REALLY want it to stop. I've been doing everything the self-helps tell you- being busy- and then out of nowhere something just sets me off and off I go crying. (It should also be noted I am typically not a very emotional person so I'm even more aggrevated by my behavior) I have little lists in my head as to why this should be a good thing. I visualize him coming back and me saying getting back together is not what I want, to try to quiet the voice inside my head that wants to get back together.

 

Then not only do I feel sad but crazy (i.e. coming up with visuals to calm down the voices in my head ).

[SeaDunkel]

5 weeks? It's still really early. There's people on here (like me!) who have been wondering when "it" stops for months now. Honestly, I told myself I could have a full year to grieve...live through every "anniversary" from the last year of our relationship, happy or sad, and take my time saying goodbye to it all. I'm not trying to discourage you because you will start to feel better slowly, but rushing yourself won't help anything. Take all the time you need so you're 100% ready the next time around. It's normal, it just means you're capable of loving someone with your whole heart.

[dancingcolors]

I am at 1 1/2 years, and doing much better, but it hasn't fully stopped. It's worse when I spend too much time alone.

[SeaDunkel]

Also, "cooking yoga" doesn't sound very tasty at all!!

 

My break-up came out of nowhere like yours and he tried to end things as nicely as possibly because he really had nothing bad to say about me, other than he needed to be single because he wasn't sure if we were right for each other. It made it much harder to move on because I had no solid reason. I ended up having a lot of dreams (nightmares) where I'd be talking to him and all the sudden he'd walk away.

 

The best thing I was told after my break-up came from my uncle. This is from an email he sent:

 

I like (your ex). However I would look for a lot of factors like how he treated

you and provided for your happiness for the here and now. I would not have

the insight to see how things would work when both of you were stressed with

little sleep and two young children demanding all your attention the way

your cousin Dave is right now.- Quite honestly it's compatibility through

those tough times that is the litmus test of a good potential mate and we

seldom see or permit ourselves to be seen in those circumstances. Especially

in a dating situation. I think that only God has the wisdom to insure

continuing lifelong love and compatibility. Our filters are so focused on

all the "here and now temporary stuff" that it scares me to realize that

somehow God guides through all that if we have patience. I said all that to

say that I am in favor a arranged marriages (and relationships)- God

arranged to be precise. The waiting for the right person is tough especially

when you see a fine man "slip away". Seadunkel you are such a

magnificent catch for the right person that I have little doubt that God

will have no trouble linking you perfectly too. The hard part is to peal away

all that aren't right for you long term in a way that doesn't leave you bruised

and lonely. I could go through all of what you have going for yourself but I don't

want you to lose your humble spirit! I can assure you that your pure and honest

spirit is an ingredient will be especially treasured by your soul mate.

 

He wrote that at a time when I was feeling extremely awful about things (about 4 months into the break-up) and I found it very soothing to read. It's true, sometimes people look perfect for us right now, but that doesn't mean they're going to be able to handle the stresses of the relationship when they come up. And if your ex can't handle a little stress and discomfort-like mine-that's a bad sign, no matter how awesome they were. You want someone who's in it for the long haul, remember that!

[sunday2010]

hey I'm, 14 weeks and still feel sad, some days a glimpse of indiffrence ..

 

hey 5 weeks I was a basket case... go easy on yourself.