4 year relationship ended... Not able to cope

[AndrewOZ]

Aktrez: it all sounds very strange to me. If youre good enough for him to have sex with, good enough for him to want to sleep with and cuddle, then surely youre good enough for a relationship with him???

I know this might sound very harsh, but maybe he was just after sex? I really dont know youre full situation and I hope I am wrong for your sake.

 

I sort of envy you, as I have had a very hard break-up too recently and dream of the day when my ex would come back to bed with me or even just talk to me!! At least you have that.

 

I suggest you straighten things out, have a good talk with him about it. I just cant understand how you 2 can have sex but then be distant the next day.

[Aktrez]

He is just very confused Andrew. The situation is that he is still very very attracted to me, and wants to be with me... but, at the same time, he is afraid he is going to do this to me again. So, he wants to get it out of his system before we get back together.

 

It gets even more messed up than this!! So, Sat... we just didn't talk much.... went to bed.. no discussion of what happened Friday.

 

Sunday came around (4th of July) and I found another of his online profiles. This one specificially talked about us... In one of hte questions.. it asked "What is the one thing you have learned from past relationships?" His answer: "Don't stay if you aren't sure, because you can get stuck" Or along those lines.

 

I was DEVISTATED> My friends from NY were down to visit this weekend. They wanted to go out to breakfast... so, I told them to go without me. They left, I went into the bathroom and began bawling. Matt came downstairs and heard me.. he opened the door and asked me what happened. We talked for a while.. and he told me how beautiful I was. We were talking about the Hot or Not site... I was proud because I recently got a 9.8 score and I said that. He hugged me and stroked my hair and told me Of course I did... I'm a 10!

 

Then, he he took my hand and pulled me up and pushed me toward upstairs... I said.. "where are we going"? He said.. I want to talk to you upstairs.. SO, we went there.. and he started kissing me.

 

THIS TIME, I was strong! I told him it wasn't fair to either of us to have sex right now. That if he needed to be single.. that's what he needed to be. And it wasn't fair to have sex with me.. then go out and date other girls! He agreed... and told me he was just so attracted to me.. and that he really liked me alot.

 

So, later on, after talking about this for about 3 hours, I went down to be with my friends. We decided to go to the mall and then to see fireworks. I felt bad that Matt had no where to go for the 4th so, I invited him.

 

At the mall, whenever he got a moment to just stand by me, without my friends around, he put his arm around me.. or touched my back. It felt soo good. But, I kept making comments like "I shouldn't stand here.. I'm cramping your st yle... " and "You can't pick up chicks if you have your arm around me!" He said that wasn't what he wanted and laughed.

 

THEN we went to see fireworks. He held my so close to him.. and held my hand on the way there. He kept telling me how beautiful I was and kissing my cheek and my head. It felt sooo incredible to have his arms wrapped around me after over a month of nothingness.

 

We got home, and went to bed. I asked him where we stood.. because all day, we seemed like we were back together. (My friends had to ask me our status a few times)

 

He said it just felt right to do that... but he still felt he needed to be single in order to make sure this is what he wanted. He feels that, right now, our relationship is at a place where we either break up, or get married, and he doesn't want to do either!

 

So, I told him to sleep downstairs again... and proceeded to bawl myself to sleep. I was like Cinderella for a day.. and the glass slipper had JUST come off.

 

I am in Maine now for a week. Trying to keep all distance. haven't talked to him since I kicked him out of the bed on Sunday night.

 

I love him SOOOO Much! THe more time apart, the more I realize exactly HOW much I do love him. I think even I took him for granted before. I wasn't affectionate enough.. I wasn't loving enough.. and now.. I can't be.

 

This Cinderella wants her prince back....

[Aktrez]

I'm having a really rough night. I'm in Maine on Vacation and Matt keeps IMing me.. I want to talk to him.. because I don't want to be a bitch and blow him off.. but, everytime I see his name pop up.. I want to cry!!

 

HELP!>?

[Jenydeb]

I can truly say that you have an extremely thorny problem and after spending the better part of a night reading all the post you have gotten a lot of advice on what to do. I think you really need to ask some really tough questions of yourself and really consider what he is doing to you.

 

Often during a breakup of a relationship, and that is what it is if he wants to date other people, is that the people involved most often don't see or talk to each other for a period of time giving them both the space they need to work out their feelings and get their heads and hearts straight. Once someone has had time to settle down and manage the hurt, they can begin to deal with it and get their life under control. But since you both still live in the same place, I don't think you have had the chance to truly come to terms about what he has decided to do. You seem to be in this pattern of being hurt and, to his credit, he tries to comfort you; but he is the one that is causing you the pain to begin with. You can't keep going to him for comfort if he is going to insist on dating others. You may be content until you remember that he still has mixed up feelings about what he wants out of the relationship and that he is still going out with other women. On the one hand he wants to be single and go out o dates and see if he can find that missing ingredient to a relationship that he say he does not have with you while you wait at home, but on the other he tries to talk with you like nothing has changed, slips into bed to be close to you in the early morning hours and IMs you when you are away. Some have said not to pressure him into making a decision, however he can't have it both ways and what he is doing is making that much harder for you.

 

You said that you were separated, distance only I assume, from him for a few months when you took a new job; where did your relationship stand? Was he dating during that time? Why this sudden change just a few months after showing up on your doorstep when he was unsure about moving down in the first place? You said that he is looking for something that is missing between you two and he may have wanted to be absolutely sure he could find it with you when he move down. If your history with him is any clue, he's been looking for it on and off for 4 years.

 

I'm very wary about his prediction that he sees you together again with him in a year. A lot can happen in a year; does he really expect you to wait for him? Sounds like he is keeping the option to come back to you while he is out exploring his feelings and keep you living on hope that he'll come back. Do you really want to keep the door open for him when he might just go out again when the mood strikes? If he comes back in a week, when will he get the notion again that he is missing something? And what if he does find what he is looking for? Saying that he does not expect to find someone better then you would appear to be a way to reassure you that he'll is not serious about whom he is dating, but he also is not taking you serious by putting you on hold for year. It is not fair in any way to you. He does not have any problem going out on dates, but he must be feeling guilty for the pain he is causing you, might be why he was trying to be the boyfriend when you went out with your friends on the 4th.

 

The quote you posted from his profile might be what he is really feeling but has not said so to you in your talks. It obvious he does not mean to be hurtful, and he seems to try to make things better for you by hanging out with you and trying to make things "normal", but they are not normal and going in and out of boyfriend mode is the worst thing he can do to you. If he feels stuck in the relationship, then he needs to be alone to sort that out. If he thinks he is obligated to console you every time he see you crying and he becomes the boyfriend again for maybe a few hours, he may feel like he is being pulled back into the relationship and things can only get worst if he feels trapped. Also, how are you to sort out your feelings if he keeps acting the part of boyfriend when he thinks you need to be consoled or when it's suits him? Right now you two are in relationship limbo, not together and not really broken up. Sooner or later something has to give.

 

I know some of this seems harsh and some of the things I said you might have asked yourself already, but what he is doing is so hurtful that I can't imagine a worse thing an ex-boyfriend could do by stay with you but not "with" you. I think I would be livid if I were in your shoes, partly why I wrote so much. Just remember one thing; he is the one with the problem, not you. There is no reason to second guess how you behaved or beat yourself up because you think you might not have been affectionate enough. If he can't say what is missing from the relationship, then how should you know?

[lostinlove88]

Dear Aktrez,

 

I was in a similar situation, whereas he always had kind words for me to comfort my sadness while I knew he dated other women on the internet etc. I have to be honest with you it took me a very long while to get over him, as a matter of fact until he relocated to Houston, as they say "out of sight, out of mind" ... I feel for you because you are going through a very very confusing/painful time, on one hand he wants to keep you, on the other he wants to explore, what to do? We, women are very emotional, we are not like men to just shrug off and go on with other people and forget about the past. The longer you stay away from him and meet other people the sooner you will get over him and maybe you can both restart a friendly relationship. Just have faith in yourself. You are a very attractive woman and you have so much to give, you deserve all the love and respect. Best of luck and keep us posted.

[blue123]

I joined this site b/c right now I'm going through the exact same thing and am desperate for help. I've been dating my bfriend for 5 years and living together for 3 1/2. we're best friends and share so much together but the intimacy has been gone for quite some time. I feel as if someone punched me in the gut- the way your body actually reacts is amazing. I feel nauesa, can't concentrate, etc. Most of my friends are "his friends" - which is my own fault but makes me sad. All the memories, the dreams. Everyone says he's so stupid for leaving and I'll have no trouble, etc. but it doesn't matter when the one person you want rejects you. It's just so sad. Any advice on how to get over it would be helpful. I wish you all the best.

[dogmeat]

blue, those feelings get better over time...i went weeks without talking or doing anything with friends, im still struggling to get back into the swing of things. Keep your mind off the situation, and try to eat.

 

sense we split up, its been over 2 weeks, ive lost a bunch of weight....lack of eating and motivation, all i do it sleep.

 

Do whatever you can to keep your mind of the situation...because time is the true healer of all things.

[Aktrez]

I have lost over 10 lbs since we broke up (over 6 weeks ago) I know how it feels to not eat. My stomach is just a mess... all I do is think about Matt. And I"M on vacation!! I've gone on dates.. here and back home.. and find myself just feeling sick even being with other people.

 

I went out with this one guy who was SOO cute!! Totally my type... totally into me... And ended up asking him to take me home half way through because I wasn't feeling well.

 

Matt also has IM'ed me every night I have been here. I had him blocked for a while, but I felt SOOO horrible blocking him, that I unblocked him. I don't know if he IM's me because he is lonely.. or misses me... or what.. but, everytime his name pops up on my screen, I want to cry. God.. I just don't know what to do anymore. I know I post alot on here.. but I just don't know what to do.

 

 

I just have been unable to move on. The more time I'm away from Matt, the more and more I love him.

 

Am I sick!?

[Jenydeb]

I did not realize that your pain was so deep, I really feel for you. I could say the same as everyone else, be strong, time heals all wounds and other such things, but how do you do that? Sadly, you have to deal with the pain; there is no way that a caring person can just turn off their emotions. But you might try taking it in smaller bites and not be over whelmed by raw feelings. It is a situation you cannot help right now; you are all bundled up in fear, doubt, regret, anxiety and a hurricane of other emotions, you are drowning in them. You need some sort of emotional life preserver, something to keep you from wallowing in your grief all the time.

 

You are on vacation, so pick a few hours out of the day and say to yourself, "right now I won't think about it". It's hard I know, but find a way to distract yourself. Give yourself a few hours of peace to think about something else. Going out is fine, but you don't have to make them dates, trying to substitute (bad word, but I think you know what I mean) Matt with someone else is just going to make you keep thinking more about him and the problems between you two. Try going out with a friend or a group of friends to some place with a lot of activity, be a part of the group and loses your self in it. I think that is why when someone is depressed their friends are always dragging them out to some place loud and crowded regardless of their wishes, and it just might be the best thing to do. Sometimes just spending time with others talking about silly stupid stuff can give you the relief you need. And when you are ready, you can be stronger for when the moments of grief return. At the very least you are not in that bad place all the time and you might just have a little fun.

 

Right now you are going out with people, but you are still focused on Matt. Until he decides what he wants, you are punishing yourself for something you cannot change. Deal with yourself right now, deal with the boyfriend later. As for the IMs, he might just be do them to make himself feel better about the situation, he can see that he is putting you through a lot and might be trying to relieve his guilt by keeping in contact. I don't want to say ignore him, but he is stiring you up at a time you need to settle down and get a grip.

 

I hope I've said something that might help. To be honest, it's a struggle no matter what you do. Just take care of yourself and be well.

[Aktrez]

I wish I had more friends.. I have NONE left up here where I am on vacation.. and only 1 or 2 in VA... still fairly new to the area.. and having a hard time meeting people. Rightn ow, I don't feel like going out and making new friends, as I don't htink it's fair to them or me to put this burden of my feelings on them.....

[angina pectoris]

I have been following your situation and I understand deeply……you see I was in the same situation giving up everything for one person only to find out I gave up everything in vain. In my case the person that I was in love was having an affair and it just devastated me completely…..after I gave up so much for her……what I realized the most was that people always say relationship are 50/50 and I say to myself... to hell with that 50/50 ....almost sounds like I'm only going to be nice to you only if your nice to me…so I gave it my all 100 ..no 50/50 ….100… but sadly I realized that no matter how much I gave all I wanted was something in return… even if it was just a simple "thank you'"…..I got so tired and angry with asking "did you like the song I wrote for you" or the surprise visit or the card I left on your car……all I wanted was a simple thank you …..you see in a working relationship..... I really did want them to go all out on me and drop everything they are doing for me but just to me halfwaye. that's all…I hope that made a little sense and by the way I am from Maine and if you need a friend all be there , someone to hang with or talk...

[l0nely]

Hi Aktrez, I've added you to my buddy list, in case you need to chat about anything. At least i think I have, I've not had AIM long so i dunno if I've done it properly

[Aktrez]

Another rough day. I'm at Borders because they have a wifi connection and I can actually check my mail on a fast machine. But, There really is nothing to do... no where to go.. and everywhere I DO go... reminds me of Matt.

 

I was in the mall earlier... a 311 song came on... Matt introduced me to 311 and we went to their concert at one point I had to run into the bathroom because I was bawling so badly!!! I swear... every day I'm away.. it's getting worse. So much for distance and time makig it heal... it's been more than 6 weeks now... and I still feel like it was yesterday.

 

I don't like feeling like I"m going crazy. He's just a guy... why am I reacting like this!? I mean.. seriously.. he's just a guy....

 

But, I just love him ..... and I can't figure out how to stop!!!!!! I want to hold him soo badly. And tell him how sorry I am for not showing him how much I loved him throughout our relationship. Part of me thinkst that if I was honest, and showed him everythign I felt through out, he wouldn't be out looking for someone else.

 

I have learned my lesson... And I just want a second chance to show him how wonderful it could really be!!!! How do I get him back?!?! How can I show him that what I feel is true.. and real.. and make him feel what I feel!!

 

I have so much more self confidence now.. and so much more love in my heart.. and now.. I can't express it......

[vetgirl]

There is nothing, I repeat, nothing you could have said or done or felt that would have prevented this from happening. You have to try and see that this is not your fault. I know it's hard not to think that way. He made the choice to leave. He has his own reasons. They are likely not what you are thinking about. He made the choice. You couldn't have done anything to stop him. Even if he is telling you so. There isn't a think you could have done to make it be

Try and not focus on stopping your love for him. That won't happen most likely. And if it does, it will be more of a love change than a cessation. 6 weeks is not a long enough time. Try and not put so much pressure on yourself. You are doing well even though you don't think that you are. We are here for you!

[skynet74]

Wow, that is rough. My girl just broke up me in May after 10 years, so I can relate. Love that picture you posted at the beginning of this thread. You Are So Beautiful. Trust me, it is his loss. He thinks the grass is greener on the other side just like my Ex does. They will eventually find out different, but you have to let him do it on his own time. Chasing after him will make him run further. trust me...... from experience I know.

 

It's Damn lonely in this house without my Ex and you are going through the same thing. The favorite part of my day was when she would come home after work. She would open that door and I would be so happy to see her. But now that door just doesn't open anymore and it's been tearing me up inside ever since.

 

Take a look at this site. link removed There is some great advice that will give you lots of hope. There are certain techniques to use to get the person you love back. It will explain what they are. It's information that keeps me going each day. The worst part of the day for me is the morning when I wake up alone. I have a divorced friend who takes things harder at night. That's his bad time of day. For others it's just a constant heart wrenching pain 24/7. Just be hopeful that things will get better. I was with a girl in my early 20's and had a three year relationship. When that ended I felt like life was no longer worth living. I went through some scary times when I just didn't have much hope for the future. Then a few years after that break up I met the girl I recently split up with. We shared a happiness together that I never imagined finding with anyone ever again. She was My love, my Rock and My Soulmate. Then I looked back at my old EX and was glad she broke up with me. She did me a favor. Now here I was so much happier with someone new. I wouldn't even go back with that old Ex now if you paid me. The moral of the story is that even when you feel like you have found "The ONE". There is another One out there you could be even happier with. Sometimes it takes a long long time to get to the point of realizing that. But one day you will.

 

In the meantime feel free to write me here or even PM me. We both hurt pretty bad right now and I would love to be there for you to help you hurt a little less.

 

 

John

[star61773]

If he is like this now, he won't change. People are the way they are and you are lucky that you are expirencing this now.

[skynet74]

I disagree. People CAN change. My Ex leaving was a wake up call to change several things about myself for the better. People can change...... but only if they WANT to change.

 

 

 

 

John

[EatZ]

If they can fall out of love, they can just as easily fall back in again. But like skynet said, something has to happen before they do. Some sort of realisation.

 

Nothing's for certain.

[Aktrez]

/sigh... another sleepless night. I went to bed at 2:30 and watched TV until about 6am. I dozed off for an hour, but woke up becuase my stomach was such a mess... at 8am we got a phone call that a relative had passed. She had AIDS and died of cancer (complication of the disease)

 

My parents want me to go down with them tomorrow (Before they stick me on a plane to go back to VA) but, these are not close family members, and I feel the LAST thing I need right now is to be around more depressed people.

 

So, I am not sure what I"m going to do yet... All I know.. is that I want Matt back!!!

[DG9]

hi Aktrez

 

i TOTALLY know what you're going through! i broke up with my fiance of 5 years! its driving me INSANE becasue im in a place where i dont know ANYONE (i have my family, but they've never been through a break-up) and everynight i feel like something is missing! everytime i see his pictures i feel a huge lump in my throat... but i have to believe that i deserve MUCH better than this!

 

your ex is amazing in your eyes... i know that.... but u have to start seeing yourself as amazing as well... when you do that ull find that things will look better! it is hard... so take it slow

 

take time to do different things! and find out more about yourself... if he is the one... things will work out! but dont wait for it and miss everything else that passes you... im trying hard to do the same!

 

i believe my ex is the one even though noone else does