New member looking for LDR advice

[pytsip]

Hi everyone, I came accross this website when doing some internet browsing about long distance relationships. I'm hoping that for the next few months that some of you members can be a support group that understands what I'm going through. So now onto the issues at hand.

 

8 months ago my best friend became my boyfriend and we have had the best relationship thus far. However, about 2 months into our relationship he told me that he had decided to go to China for at least a year. We are 3 months into our long distance relationship right now and there are several things that are starting to bother me about it.

 

Firstly, because of the time difference (12 hours) it's difficult for us to catch each other to talk. And even if we are both awake at the same time, the internet connection in China is not always reliable and he does not have a cell phone over there. The lack of communication is really starting to get to me. I have gotten used to not talking to him every day, however I tend to get upset whenever I go more than 3 days without hearing from him. I'm not really sure what to do about it. When we do talk it's perfect, but I just tend to let my mind run when we are going 3,4 or even 7 days without talking to each other.

 

Secondly, he and I both had a healthy sex life while he was here, but obviously now we are both in a bit of a dry spell. I have no doubt in my mind that he is faithful, but I'm starting to wonder if going until the holidays is a realistic amount of time for both of us. I'm finally starting to come to terms with the fact, and I don't think that it's going to bother me as much as it will him, but I also don't want to lose the intimacy of our relationship by both of our sex lifes' going on hiatus for such a long stretch of time.

[mdl]

If you want to communicate each day and he doesn't have a cell phone and the time difference is large, then why not send e-mails back and forth. That way you have at least some contact between the times you get to talk. If your relationship lasts this one year then you know you have something special.

[pytsip]

we do email each other, however, again, the internet connection is an issue. When he first moved there, we emailed each other at least once a week, but it was still difficult for him to always email me. I got somewhat annoyed with getting emails and feel like emails aren't very personal at all. he finally figured out how to get skype to work, but again, the internet connection is an issue. Things are starting to get better, I'm getting used to the fact that I might not hear from him for a while, but I guess it just bothers me, it makes me feel like he doesn't try to get a hold of me. I can't possibly relate to him, I have no idea what the internet connection is like, and I know that he is working all the time and is exhausted almost every day from his job. I guess it's just a combination of things that are the reasons why we can't communicate as much as I'd like for us to do... I truly believe for a long distance relationship to work that communication is so important. I just don't understand how people did it before the internet.

[OptomisticGirl]

I'm in a 4,000 mile LDR (I'm in the States, my fiance lives in the UK) and yes, communication is KEY to a LDR. You lose that and you can kiss the relationship good bye. Since we met there has not been a single day we have not spoken to each other, either by phone or email and with the distance, if I didn't hear from him, I'd worry myself sick. I don't see how you go three days without hearing anything.

 

As for the sex... sadly yes, you don't have a normal sex life in a LDR but you make the best of it. You dirty talk, you send pics, anything you can do to keep it there and remind your partner that despite the distance you want them. There are 3 to 4 month stretches between my fiance and I seeing each other and believe me, those are some dry stretches.

 

12 hours is hard to handle, I'm thankful we only have 5 hours to deal with and on a day to day bases it works. It's going to be tough but if you can survive this year you can make it through anything.

[ayekasong]

I have never been to China, but the Asian countries that I have been to had internet cafes everywhere. If he could locate one of these, he will have a much more reliable way to communicate with you. Also, he should inquire at his workplace as to how to get a cell phone. I was able to get a cell phone in Japan for 1 year through my employer.

 

I can relate to the frustration of not speaking with him every day. While I was living in Japan, my boyfriend (which he was at the time) didn't have a lot of money and could not call me often because of the cost. I ended up calling him nearly all of the time using a special phone card that cost something like $20 for 2 hours of airtime. I had a pretty reliable internet connection, but he was always doing things during the evening, as he was still in school. My evening was his morning, so he would be in class when I could talk. Sometimes I would stay up very late to talk with him, and sometimes he would stay up very late to talk to me. It was hard, but we made it through.

 

It's really imperative that you find a way to communicate that works for you both. LDRs are difficult and frustrating, and if you can't communicate, there is going to be essentially no relationship.

[ibu]

I was in your boyfriend's situation six years ago. Seven months into a relationship at that time, I left to go to China (yes, coincidence) for a year.

I had a 7-hour time difference at that time. I do agree that 12 hours is not easy. But it is manageable. However, I did e-mail...EVERY single day. The internet connection not being reliable...I don't buy that. There are plenty of internet cafes in China that are cheap. I used one every day. If I could do it years ago, I think it shouldn't be a problem in this day and age to find a working internet connection. Is he studying in China? Is he in a major city?

We called 2 or 3 times a week. I didn't have internet in my dorm room so he usually called my fixed room phone via Skype (for a small fee). Sometimes I bought a phone card (about 20 mins of calling) and called him in return.

 

Can you talk to your boyfriend and find out if you could also have phone calls every two days or so? So you don't have to worry about going a week without hearing from him. What about e-mails to let each other know how you're doing?

 

As for your sex life....I was faithful during the entire time. I don't see why it can't be a realistic time? I didn't see my bf for 6 months, then I went back home for a few weeks during their Spring Festival break, then I went off to China again to complete the school year. It's hard, and on some days all I could think about was sex and how I missed it, but it got easier. Don't despair yet.

 

Also, the reunion hug at the airport when you'll see each other again...it'll be the best hug you ever had. Start looking forward to it.

[Mellie]

Hi

 

I'm nearly a year into an LDR, me in the UK, my SO on the African continent (though weirdly, only a 2 hour time difference). What can I say. It's hard. Not the staying faithful bit (but then I'm 32 not 22), but the lack of intimacy. As far as IM sites, we find Yahoo Messenger the best. Skype was a nightmare (Well, I hit "Skype Me" the first time not knowing what that was all about. Soon was enlightened. Let's not even go there). Anyway, I found those first few months the hardest. It does get easier though. But we do have some form of contact every day. Unless we've had a fight. And we usually have a fight because I feel insecure (despite talking every day I still have my phases. Like I said - it's very hard at times!). But on the whole, I'm happy most of the time.

 

Have you discussed with him the fact that you're feeling this way? You could be screaming inside but he's a bloke, and sometimes they need it spelt out (in a nice way). If you're really bothered about it it might come accross when you do talk, but he just might not understand why. I'm not talking about demanding or blaming him for you feeling upset, I just mean saying it rationally and nicely. Like "I miss you so much. I would really appreciate it if you had a cell and I knew I could talk to you when I need you. Would you consider it?" If he says no, then it's your call. You do have a choice and don't have to settle for anything less than you're happy with. He is out there on an adventure and you don't have to sit waiting for him. You're perfectly entitled to an adventure of your own.

[Minx2012]

I currently live in Asia...and to be quite honest, the Asians are one of the highest internet users in the world due to the proliferation of internet cafes ( at every single corner...and even in distant, remote village areas ), cell phones ( that have amazing internet servers ) etc. I know he doesn't have a cell phone, but the fact that he doesn't have " internet " ( or the connection is " faulty " ) sounds like a terrible excuse. But who knows? Maybe he is having a hard time with the Kanji ( writing system ) for him to set it up properly at his house etc etc....but at this point, most people in China can speak English well and can help him out.

 

Can you not emphasize the importance of communication since it's the one important thread that holds the LDR together?!

[pytsip]

I have tried to emphasize the importance of it, and he has told me several times that it's just really difficult for him to always get internet. I somewhat think that it's his computer as well because there are times that his Skype doesn't work etc. I mean, as of right now he and I had a little argument and I really haven't been able to get a hold of him since when I go to sleep he is at work and when I wake up he is going to sleep, it's just a really difficult situation, and I now found out that he's planning on staying there for a couple years instead of the original 10-12 months that he planned on. I'm just not sure right now if I'm ready to commit to something that is so dependent on the future.

[ibu]

Could you see yourself moving temporarily to China to be with him there?

[pytsip]

I am planning on doing study abroad in china for the spring semester this year, I'm not really doing it because he's there but more of doing it for myself, however, I will only be about an hour train ride away from him. I guess if things worked out and I could find a job with one of the companies there, that I could see myself temporarily moving there to be with him, but at the same time, I've still got about 2 years left to finish out my degree. I really think that things will get easier, and he's not even sure if he's going to stay there that long, but I'm just worried about losing what we had. A couple years is a long time to be apart from someone and only have a limited channel of communication.

[camphor]

I was in a LDR in both my prev relationships...with my ex it lasted 2 years..he was in my college and we knew each other for 3 years and he was my best friend...we got into a realtionship after we left college so it was LDR from beginning....we met 3 times in between...for better half of 2 years, atleast we were in same timezone...last year i came to UK and he was still in India...time difference isnt as bad as yours but it was nuf to take its toll on our relationship...we missed each others calls and emails werent nuf for me anymore...we werent able to resolve fights on phone coz it was way too expensive and email wasnt good nuf to resolve them...we kept drifting apart...my career required me to be here and his required him to be in India...he had his own business setup...

 

all in all, the distance was a bit too much to consider LDR anymore..so i offered to pay for all the expenses if he would just come to UK on a holiday and we rejuvinate our relationship ans resolve our issues face to face...well, he was angry and said he doesnt have time, and i realized that even though it was just his anger, i cannot get him to come to UK everytime we have problems...too expensive and seemed just a bit too much to be honest...I planned on staying in UK for few more years...it just was too long for me...

 

Around same time i met a guy here and i realized what have i missed all these years in LDR...i broke up with my ex...it was difficult but it wasnt enough for me anymore...i am in a loving relationship now...i cant imagine being in LDR again...too much to deal with for too little...

 

I guess what i wanna say is...It depends on how much can you deal with before you think you had enough...and you need more...whether you see yourself with him in future and whether you are ready to wait that long to be together...