suspicious but I dont know why!!!!

[Tyra]

My boyfriend and I just got back together after a two week break up.

We broke up becasue I felt like we stopped making any effort with each other and as he said 'we needed to break up before we ended up hating each other' I decided to get over it by flying away on holiday to greece and in the week I was away he rang me, texted me, emailed me and begged for me back. I felt exactly the same way and we got back together.

Unjustifiably Ive become totally paranoid and neurotic. I think hes cheating on me with his ex, my housemate.. I think hes texting other people. Its awful. Although I havent accused him to his face I've been checking his phone (even though its always been his friends texting him) does anybody know how I can get around this??? Im just convinced he's cheating on me even though ive got no real premise for suspicion. I feel like im going mad!!

Why am i doing this?

Any advice welcome!!!!!

[De Lorean]

First of all, you shouldn't be looking through his phone. That's really out of line.

 

I would advise you don't accuse him of anything (unless you want a huge argument and breakup). I'm really not that sure where your insecurities have come from, but unless you have something to show for all this suspicion, you need to drop it fast!

[fawndango]

It may be because the relationship is becoming unhealthy, and do you feel subconsciously that because of all the drama he may start to stray?

 

It funny that he said that you two need to break up before you start hating each other. That is really insightful and i think he is absolutely right.

 

My exboyfriend and i ended things last week, because i actually looked through his phone (which he was absolutely pissed about, and rightly so) accused him of cheating on me with a girl that was not even real, it was a picture that was forwarded from a friend. I then realized that I was starting to turn into a PYSCHO girlfriend. I am NOT psycho. Granted he said things that led me to feel insecure and preyed on my trust issues, but nevertheless, i realized that i was starting to lose it mentally, and it was time to GET OUT before i lost all of my sanity, self pride and self respect, due to his actions and how they were starting to make me feel.

 

So if the relationship is not working, it may be better to part ways peacefully otherwise it may end with a big blow up, anger, bitterness and then it will be a painful memory.

[Tyra]

Do you not want to get back together with your ex then??

I think really I am a really insecure person espcially in relationships. I cant help it whereas my boyfriend is the opposite. He is totally secure and chilled out. I dont want to break up from him again. I love him but I cant carry on this way. Maybe I need counselling or something....

[Citlali]

Two weeks isn't enough of a break for a relationship that ended with one person saying, "Let's break up before we end up hating each other." Clearly, the issues have not been dealt with. Things will probably eventually return to the state they were in before the break up, especially with how you are feeling now. This is no way to have a relationship. If you can't get over certain things and truly make progress in this relationship, I'd say it's time to have a serious discussion with him and maybe go to some counseling. It doesn't seem like you did this before getting back together to make sure you were on the same page on all issues. This is why you don't rush back together with someone.

[fawndango]

I agree with Jenn, and to answer your question, yes i do miss him and want to get back together, but I broke up with him twice already (very angrily), and we got back together without resolving why we broke up in the first place and its the same end result. So this time I am leaving things alone because the next time might be warfare.

 

Like Jenn said the issues...possibly yours ...have not been dealt with and the same thing will happen again if you don't resolve them. You two need to have a discussion and figure out what you both want and figure out what is causing you to feel suspicious and why you are acting nutty. Women don't wake up and act nutty for no reason. Does he not make you feel secure in your relationship, well what would it take from him to make you feel secure?Would it be telling you he loves you more, more actions more words? Think about what could possibly be driving your insecurity. There is a reason for it.

[Tyra]

How do I tell him that I feel like I cannot trust him when hes never given me any reason not to trust him? It would break his heart... I think a lot of this is my issues and your comments are confirming this for me.

[fawndango]

What exactly makes you think that you can't trust him. Is it just a feeling that you get. You have to figure this out yourself, you don't just wake up one day and don't trust him. Okay here are some questions:

 

Have you not trusted him since the beginning of the relationship?

What event triggered you starting not to trust him?

Have you been insecure since the start of the relationship?

What make you feel insecure?

[Tyra]

My last boyfriend cheated on me and i think ive brought a lot of insecurites from my last lreationship into this one. My current boyfriend is a mutual friend of a lot of my friends and they were all so happy when we got together becasue he has this reputation as a really good, honest guy.

However, about three months into our relationship he got a text message and hid it from me. When I confornted him he showed me the text and it was from his ex girlfriend and was a picture of him and his old dog which apprantly she'd 'come accross' and thought she'd send it over. Theyve been broken up now for two and a half years. He said the only reason he didnt tell me was that i would get upset and it really would be over nothing because there is nothing going on between them. I got upset and started to cry and he got quite angry at me for even thinking for a second that he would be deceitful. Since then, ive been paranoid even though hes given me no reason since to be.

[fawndango]

Okay now we are getting somewhere.....and i understand because the same thing happened to me.

 

So the hiding of the text is what started to trigger your insecurity and trust issues, and brought back fear etc.

 

Well this guy obviously cares and loves you a lot. Since you have checked his phone you haven't found anything to dispute that he isn't cheating on you, but he broke your TRUST.

 

You have to figure out how to deal with this, and the text may very likely have been innocent. Maybe part of how to deal with it may be explaining to him why you have trust issues in the first place, how his actions made you feel, and this is why you feel the way that you do right now and what you are dealing with.

 

Its really hard having to deal with trust issues, and i know firsthand, and the thing is, every relationship has a risk involved, there is ALWAYS going to be that chance that you may be deceived, you may break up etc. I think some people are more comfortable with understanding that if someone cheats, a relationship ends that they will be okay. Some of us aren't.

 

Nevertheless, if you don't find some way to resolve this fear that arose, then it will eventually destroy your relationship because you will continue to feel paranoid about him cheating on you etc.

[Tyra]

Thankyou very much for your advice because its very good and is helping me quite a lot.

 

The only person in retrospect destroying my relationship is me. Hes just sent me a text saying 'cant wait for dinner tomorrow night' and im on this forum paniccing he's cheating.

 

Thing is, Ive heard on the grapevine that his ex girlfriend wants him back -ive asked him about this and he says he doesnt care allthough they are friends so he doesnt feel comfortable just deleting her from his life becasue of my insecurity. He says that becasue he has not once inititated conversation with her then Ive got nothing to worry about.

 

How did you you get over your trust issue with your ex if you dont mind me asking?

[fawndango]

I would have to agree with your boyfriend, who cares if she wants him back, he's with you now. Now if his behaviour towards you starts to change, he starts to distance himself from you, and is texting in the bathroom, leaving his phone out of sight etc, valid behaviour changes, then i think you may have something to question, but he isn't doing all of that.

 

I didn't get over the trust issue with my ex, I just got rid of the relationship because he was no good. A married woman gave him a teddy bear, he got a text from her at 11:45 on a saturday night, and he said "everyone cheats", everyone flirts and that he wanted to hurt me before i hurt him.

 

These are not things that you tell someone that you care about. So justifiably i had reason for suspicion and for being neurotic. I had to get out, he was not worth it. So there WAS a reson for trust issues in this relationship.

 

Now in the future, the way that i am going to handle my trust issues is this:

 

I have my boundaries in place ie. " I am a tolerant person by nature, but there are some things that i will not put up with and that is OTHER WOMEN. So if his behaviour starts to indicate that there is another woman in the picture that he is ACTUALLY interested in, then by all means they can have each other.

 

Your boyfriend hasn't been doing any of this so he deserves a chance UNTIL HE PROVES YOU OTHERWISE WITH HIS BEHAVIOR OR HIS WORDS.

[Tyra]

I definitely agree with you....and your ex sounds awful and you sound well rid of him.

 

He text me about an hour ago saying he was looking forward to tomorrow. I text him back and he doesnt reply. This happens a lot (only ever on a night) he says that its becasue his phone is a bit rubbish and he receives texts a lot later than theyre sent.

So.........me being neurotic, i just think thats a blatant lie and hes off galavanting about elsewhere.....

 

I cant elp myself but when I write it down it looks silly but I just struggle to believe him

[fawndango]

Well let him galavant if that is what he wants to do and lie to you if that is what is happening, but make no mistake if he is lying to you, it will eventually surface and he will slip up. When and if that ever does happen, then you cut the cord and let him lie in the bed that he made. Until then don't worry so much.