I know, it's a long story...but please help...

[harlequin_05]

This may be a long post since the relationship that my boyfriend and I have has had a lot of ups and downs...

 

My boyfriend and I first met my freshman year of college. I'll call him Jay. We were young and inexperienced in the ways of relationships. I wanted to spend a lot of time with him and Jay was the exact opposite. He said that I was clingy and he couldn't deal with it anymore so we broke up.

 

Two years later, I was in another relationship. I had been with Bee for around 2 years and we lived together and we were having our own relationship struggles but we dealt with it. Jay contacted me out of nowhere and told me that he missed me and loved me. I was of course taken aback but I told him that I wasn already in a relationship and I couldn't leave my boyfriend. Months later, I realized that I didn't love Bee the way that he loved me and I broke it off. We continued to live together and you can imagine it did result in some awkardness. That same month Jay contacted me again and this time I told him that I was single again and he asked to see me. I of course, though I didn't want to admit to myself, was still in love with Jay.

 

We had a romantic first night together and we started to date. We were doing ok and then the clingyness topic came up and he wanted to take things slow which meant to him that we were broken up. I didn't think that, I thought we were just taking it a little slower. A couple of days after that I took a pregnancy test and I found out I was pregnant. I drove to his house that same night and I told him. He was scared but excited.

 

Bee of course didn't want to live together anymore and he moved out. I couldn't afford the rent on my own so Jay moved in. We had a little trouble making ends meet because Jay had a lot of bills to pay so right off the bat it was stressful. Jay wanted to continue to go out but I had a hard time dealing with that because I wanted him to stay home with me. I didn't like his choice of friends, mostly single guys. We fought constantly and broke up quite a few times but we managed to always find some common ground. Living in that apartment proved too difficult for us so we moved into his mother's home.

 

His mother and I had a hard time getting used to each other and I always felt that she treated us like little kids. She and I disagreed on a lot and that definitely put Jay in the middle. So it was a stressful living there and I never felt comfortable. One thing his mother and I agreed on was that he should not go out and get drunk anymore. He was going to be a father and that needed to stop. So we fought constantly about that and we broke up a few times too. We always managed to fix out problems...for the moment.

 

Then in October 2009, our daughter was born. It was hard being new parents and we disagreed on some things concerning our daughter. I never felt that he spent enough time watching always, he was always on the computer playing...surprise, surprise World of Warcraft. He continued going out but never came home drunk after our daughter was born. I was upset about him going out now because I felt that he should stay at home with our daughter. Then when my daughter was 5 months old I had it. I called my mom and told her that I needed to leave him. I told him I was leaving and he got upset and we fought and broke up. The next day we got back together but I left because the pressure was too much for us.

 

It was very difficult being in a long distance relationship and I admit that I spied on his e-mail and facebook. He found out and we broke up. He said that he wanted to be able to have friends that are girls and with me he couldn't do that. So we broke up and it was a hard time for me. Then a few weeks later we got back together again and oddly enough I had found peace and did not continue to spy. We had out fights, the biggest one about talking every night. He didn't like to and I wanted to. We fought about it all the time. I knew that I needed to give him space but something inside me wouldn't let me let him go for a day. I tried to be ok with it but it was still an issue.

 

Then this month he told me that he was going to join the army and I admit I was scared at first but I supported him. I supported this whole time why he was getting his papers in order and taking his tests. We talked about living on base and plans for our daughter. Hopefully this doesn't make me sound dumb but I found out about video call on MSN. So we started doing that a lot. I liked to see him and I felt like we were having more of a relationship. Once a week of doing that I guess he got tired of doing it. So I IMed him and asked him if he was getting online and he said that he didn't feel like getting on MSN that night. I was upset and told him but you said we could. Then he got upset and started saying that I made him feel guilty I made him feel guilty about just talking to a girl and that my clingyness needed to stop. He told me that he couldn't be with me anymore because of the doubts he was having. I was heartbroken and I tried to convince him that if he has doubts he should talk it out with me, not break up.

 

So I need advice on what to do? How can I convince him that breaking is not the solution? I do love him with all my heart and I want to show him that this can work. Also you may have noticed that I am clingy. How do I stop being so clingy? I do not want my self esteem problems to affect this.

[sff123]

My honest opinion is that it doesn't seem like he's ready to be in a committed long term relationship. Obviously you're stuck with the hand you're dealt so you should try to be as practical as possible. If you honestly think you can make it work in the long term , try to compromise with him and offer to be less clingy if he is willing to show his commitment in other ways. If you don't really think he's dedicated to making it work though then I'm not sure if it will be worth the consequences down the road even if you can make it work in the short term.

[sff123]

On a positive note, I think long distance relationships can sometimes strengthen aspects of a relationship that in person relationships don't (ie talking and communication).

[Angel_325]

I think if you give him some space he'll come to you, if he really cares. He knows how you feel and if he feels the same he'll let you know. If he wants to have female friends and to talk to them but you are not okay with it then you need to decide if you can become okay with it or if it's something that would bug you too much. In my opinion, if he really loves you and wants to be with you, it would not be an issue for him to not have as many female friends and to draw boundaries. I would do that for my boyfriend and expect the same. But everyone is different. Some people feel like anything that limits them is controlling.