The worst fight we've ever had...

[lostgurl]

My bf and I were on vacation last week for one of his best friend's wedding. I told him before he left that I totally understood if he spent the majority of the time with his friends but that I wanted one day for some "us" time - it was, after all, supposed to be a vacation. I didn't think I was asking for too much. We picked the day after the wedding as it would be our last full day on vacation. The morning of the day came, though, and his friends came to knock on our door and invite us to the beach. He wanted to go, of course, so we went. I figured we could at least have the evening for just us. However, he proceeded to get completely trashed with his friends in just a few short hours. I was livid. He wasn't taking my feelings into consideration at all. When we went back to the room and he asked me what was wrong, I told him I was upset because he chose getting ridiculous with his friends over spending time with me. He got really, really mad and began to berate me. He told me how selfish I was, that he paid for most of the vacation so he should be able to do what he wants, told me I was a jerk to everyone the whole time we were there and blamed me for not having a good time the whole trip except for this particular day. He made me feel so crappy about myself. I started asking him why he was even with me and then he started saying maybe we should just break up.

 

The thing is, we've never fought like this before. In the past month or two, he's gotten really mean with the things he says in fights. I can feel it lowering my self-esteem... this is what happened in my last relationship except for it happened right off the bat, I just chose to ignore it. So what do I do now? I don't want to be beaten down like this. I am a strong, confident person who usually knows her worth. But I suddenly feel like I'm going through the beaten-wife-syndrome - a guy beats a girl down (verbally or physically) and the girl starts making excuses for why it happened. "Oh, it's my fault he said those things" or "It's my fault he hit me." Don't get me wrong, I know he would never hit me but verbal abuse is just as bad. I know he feels bad about it. I don't want to break up with him. But how do I make him stop saying horrible things to me? I can't handle it anymore.

 

I just wanted to add that I can feel myself a little more closed off to him than I have been in the past. He really hurt me with the things he said and I don't want to allow him to do that. But he shouldn't do that, right? I don't want this to ruin us, I want it to make us grow and make us stronger. I just don't know how...

[doityourself]

I don't want to be beaten down like this. I am a strong, confident person who usually knows her worth. But I suddenly feel like I'm going through the beaten-wife-syndrome - a guy beats a girl down (verbally or physically) and the girl starts making excuses for why it happened. "Oh, it's my fault he said those things" or "It's my fault he hit me." Don't get me wrong, I know he would never hit me but verbal abuse is just as bad. I know he feels bad about it. I don't want to break up with him. But how do I make him stop saying horrible things to me? I can't handle it anymore.

 

Sounds like he has some anger issue, and can I ask how do you know he wont hit you? What names does he call you?

[lostgurl]

He's never even come close to hitting. And most of the time, he is very understanding and patient with me. So I don't know what's been going on these past few months. The fights have gotten dirty. He doesn't really call me names but he makes me feel like everything is my fault. And when I'm trying to explain to him how I feel about something, he doesn't listen to the reason. He only hears that I'm complaining or saying he's not a good enough boyfriend...

[turnera]

I would take some time apart. Show him that you deserve respect. He won't respect you until you do.

 

He's changing because the honeymoon phase is waning, and all you have left after that is whether you are compatible and whether you meet each other's Emotional Needs and whether you Love Bust each other. It sounds like you two have a lot of LBs floating around making things unpleasant.

[doityourself]

I would def make him listen to you, and I agree with turnera the honeymoon phase may be over but do you want to be with someone who doesnt take your feelings into consideration or even listen to you?

 

Does this person come out when hes drinking?

 

If hes saying its all your fault, is it? Do you overly complain or whine?

[lostgurl]

Yeah, he usually gets this way when he's been drinking. But in the past few months, it's been a few times when he isn't drinking. The honeymoon phase is over, you are both correct. We've been together for almost three years. We've made it through a lot... We have recently moved to another state together. He got a job, took it and I moved out a few months later. I think this is part of the problem but when I've asked him, he says he doesn't know what I'm talking about. This also creates a problem with taking some time apart... we don't know that many people out here, yet.

 

I don't think I complain or whine a lot. I'm a pretty easy-going person and prefer to accommodate people when I can. But, at the same time, I am going to want what I want every once in a while. But I don't think I'm an unfair person. I try not to force anyone to do anything they don't want to but shouldn't couples give in to each other's needs and wants every once in a while? Or am I expecting too much?

[doityourself]

Yes the love and giving has to go both ways. I was asking because there are days that I whine and complain really without even knowing it.

 

You guys have alot going on, alot of changes that probably have brought on alot of stress, maybe he just wanted to take this time to unwind to get carefree. You also say you dont have much friends at the new place, maybe he was excited about hanging out again, got to carried away with the drinking.

 

Im not making excuses for him to treat you this way. He should be able to control his anger without making you feel like ****.

 

Have you told him how this makes you feel, have you asked him point blank, when we are mad at eachother can you not say this or that?

[doityourself]

And sometimes anger comes out when people have been drinking, its that way with me and tequila.

[turnera]

Go to link removed and read up about Plan A, Emotional Needs, and Love Busters. It will teach you how to have a happy and respectful relationship, and KEEP him in love with you, willing to do whatever it takes to make you happy. (hint: It starts with you.)

[lostgurl]

Thanks for the advice, from both of you. You brought up a really great point, doityourself. I'm sure he did just want to unwind and got carried away. And these friends of his are his very best friends ever. They've just all moved apart from one another recently so getting together is a big deal. I didn't really take that into consideration.

 

I've just got up the nerve to start up this conversation with him. He apologizes and feels terrible, which is not my intention. I know he does but I don't think that excuses it. I don't want to let it slide only because I think he and I can grow from it. That and the seed that maybe he doesn't care about me as much as I thought had been planted. I didn't want it to grow out of control. We've had a very good relationship for the most part.

 

Turnera, thank you very much for recommending the website. I definitely want to check it out. I've been through a few serious relationships so I feel I know a lot when it comes to them but I don't know everything. And figuring out how to make them last is something I'm still working on. But I want it to last with him so having a source to turn to will help.

 

Thank you both so much!! I feel better already.

[doityourself]

Good Luck, Im glad you were able to talk to him about it.

 

Keep working at it, but keep an eye open for any over the top anger issues to.