Depressed? lonely? i dont know

[Flipp0]

hi ppl almost 2 years now i feel sad however no one can tell cause i got always a smile on my face. im always hiding my feelings with a smile. like 10 years back i lost a few friends cuz i moved to an other town and i have never seen them since, there was 1 girl i really liked, i dont even know her last name anymore, i know nothing else about her exept her first name. every night i think about her and the memories we had together, it mades me sad.

now i need to tell myself a story to let myself sleep, always weird story's that i rather keep secret. (i kinda think i got several voices in my head, but its only when i go to sleep.)

finally when im sleeping i always got dreams that ends with a song from "elven lied" (lillium) anime watchers would know it, else find it on youtube. when i wake up i still hear the melody in my head and tears in my eyes. and a normal standart day starts. when i fall or get bullied or something, i always smile and do a fake soft laugh but i cry on the inside. now when i hear the melody, i get sad.

yes im kinda emotional for a boy but i always was.

 

further information, im 17 and im a boy

advise is welcome

[Esteller]

why don t you try to find them on facebook or something. communicate. obviously its tearing you up so try.

[Flipp0]

ok i just tryed facebook but nothing came out.

i tryed hyves (thats the way i found my best friend from 10 years ago) but nothing came out.....

[Esteller]

try google? hah usually i find people that way

[Flipp0]

i dont want this anymore, i want a good life! with a girlfriend or at least someone who cares about me! i am now sitting almost the whole day behind my pc to not think about things and make the day as short as possible. im now even afraid to contact girls i like. even if i got their email.

i am now listening to "lillium" over and over again.

do i need to do this every day? every evening almost crying cuz im a loser?? cuz im a wuss that i cant even say hi to some girl??

am i so pathetic?? i dont even know what to do at this moment. im in a dark small room behind my pc doin nothing else that being lonely and listen to a song that doesnt even have to do anything to my life. i...... dont know anymore...

[Esteller]

ok ok its going to be ok. you have to stay strong dude. you dont want this obviously, you already came to the conclusion that you want a better life. you want a girl that cares for you. so whats the first step to living a better life? try something different like get out your room and go outside for a change. start doing a hobby that you like. your not alone and you have to remember that. here you will always have someone to talk to. i know people dont feel like doing things but you have to force yourself if you really care about yourself. so give it a try.

[Flipp0]

ok i calmed down a bit... im srry about this, im just a person that needs to share their feelings and stuff, thats why i joined this forum. but what could i do? i like riding my bike, but thats prob it. i could maybe bike to my old town tho its like 20 km away, but still i have no idea where they could possibly living.

[Esteller]

its ok take this ride foryourself dont go looking for them. just ride around and prob who knows you might just run into them. but you need to focus on yourself.. have you ever realize things happen when you lease expect it? you find things when your not looking for them? worry about yourself right now. you want to be happy

[Flipp0]

ugh my bike broke down >

anyway you said find a hobby..... i cant rlly think of some.... i do want to learn to do the melb shuffle o_O but i have no idea how.... those clothes are unfindable. man i want thos >

here is a link of the vid (so you know what that rlly is)

 

it looks so complicated =_=''

but i do wonder why that song ever came to my life? it had absolutly nothing to do with my life. i saw the anime.... i felt nothing while watching it (its like 1 year ago when i watched it)

im confused >

thx anyway