Advice would be great

[Lloydbraun]

I am 30+ and my GF and I broke up a couple of months ago. From the start, she said she missed me, but she just didn't feel right about the relationship.

 

Since then, we have spoken a few times, talked about how me miss each other. I have basically told Genn that I see us getting married someday. i honestly believe that. She has never argued with me.

 

I also told her that I have been unable to seriously date other women because of her. I recently realized that I cannot date anyone due to my feelings to Genn.

 

I called Genn and we discussed this. I told her how I feel and what I want.

 

She said it would not hurt to hang out and that she missed me too.

 

I am not getting ahead of myself and I am patient. I will not expect too much too soon.

 

I know Genn and I don't think she would wanna "hang out" juts to hang out, esp when I told her how I feel, see us married, etc. She is a very nice person. I actually think I scare her because I have been separated from my wife for a year and a half now.

 

Does anyone have thoughts on this? Advice?

 

 

Thanks in advance!

 

Lloyd in Columbus...Go Blue! (Yes, I know, weird.)

[Kia-Kaha]

Hey man,

 

Why did you guys split? Who broke up with who?

 

Be careful, "I miss you" and "I love you / I want to try again with you" are not the same thing (I found that out the hard way). I think it's important that you have both worked on the reason for the breakup and made sure it doesn't exist anymore before trying again!

[Lloydbraun]

Hello there Kia,

 

She stopped it with me. I feel that I scared her. She thought I wasnt ready, IMO.

 

I feel that being apart has made us both realize what we want. She wouldnt want to just "hang out" knowing how I feel. I think she just wants to be patient, safe.

 

Lloyd

[Kia-Kaha]

Hello there Kia,

 

She stopped it with me. I feel that I scared her. She thought I wasnt ready, IMO.

 

I feel that being apart has made us both realize what we want. She wouldnt want to just "hang out" knowing how I feel. I think she just wants to be patient, safe.

 

Lloyd

 

Ok, I am not really in a good state of mind to be offering advice so I will just ask you "why did she think you were not ready?"

Ready for a commitment given your situation with your wife or something else?

Is she wants to be patient and safe, then is that something you can be?

[Lloydbraun]

Yes, patient and safe is drefinitely what I can, and want, to do.

[bwhite00]

Honestly dude it sounds like you're approaching this from a legitimately well-rounded perspective. I'd lay off of the 'I miss you stuff' and concentrate more on the 'Thinking of you' approach.

 

Hanging out is good. Go shopping. Have fun!! Flirt your ass off!! Get her comfortable around you as quickly as possible and used to a little physical interaction (hugs, general stuff like that). Got a nickname for her ? use it! Lack a nickname ? make one up.

 

BIG TIP: don't bring the past up or what you want or expect, just show her you're fun to be with and she'll want to be around you, more and more. Good luck!

[Puckdog27]

Honestly dude it sounds like you're approaching this from a legitimately well-rounded perspective. I'd lay off of the 'I miss you stuff' and concentrate more on the 'Thinking of you' approach.

 

Hanging out is good. Go shopping. Have fun!! Flirt your ass off!! Get her comfortable around you as quickly as possible and used to a little physical interaction (hugs, general stuff like that). Got a nickname for her ? use it! Lack a nickname ? make one up.

 

BIG TIP: don't bring the past up or what you want or expect, just show her you're fun to be with and she'll want to be around you, more and more. Good luck!

 

Bwhite00 - Did you miss the part where she told him it would hurt to hang out? Him acting like a fun loving player is exactly the thing he need NOT do right now.

 

OP - She needs sometime. She didnt come to the conclusion to end this overnight. She seems like she is on the fence but leaning to the "time to move on side". You made your expectations clear, but you have to remember she has started to give up. All you are giving her is words with the "Im ready to marry you" but her decision was made on your actions that led her to believe you werent ever going to marry her. You are in a very large grey area.

[bwhite00]

Oh and realize this, my ex thought I had commitment problems as well: always bringing up marriage and I was like ehhh...

 

Then we split and I was like 'I will freaking marry you!' that probably wasn't what she wanted to hear. I'd let her bring up the thought of starting a new relationship. And that will only happen of you just back off the issue completely.

 

It sounds like she still has a deep emotional bond with you just take thing nice and slow and let HER worry where things are headed.

[bwhite00]

Actually I'm reading this on an iPhone and as such I'm prone to making reading errors.

 

And I in no way intended for him to come accross as a player, just do small things to make her comfortable to be around him again.

 

You have to understand females constantly say one thing an mean the opposite. Or they are firmly resolute on an issue (such as hanging out being a bad idea) only to change their mind the next day, week, or month.

 

I'm only giving advice which is exactly what I did to get my ex back who also made it clear 'We can see each other anymore'. Had I sat back and ignored her, I wouldn't have made any progress regarding getting her back.

 

The thing about shopping is, it's not seen as a date, you have a lot to talk about and it gives you a chance to build rapport. But this only works after an extended period of NC or LC; in my case two months.

[bwhite00]

And as far as intuition is concerned it only makes sense to get a girl back, you have to meet up at some point. Whether that's two weeks after the split or a year. Now if you don't wish to have her back? Then none of this applies.

 

And unfortunately girls don't just hit you over the head with what thy want; hence flirtatious body language is typically your only option. You'll know where you stand real quick. My point is this: if you want a girl back it requires the right finesse at the right time. Each situation is unique but the principal remains the same: you won't ever get anything if you don't ask for it first.

[Puckdog27]

I'm not discounting your advice, just saying its more effective when its in response to the OPs situation, not what worked in your case. And females dont say one thing and mean the opposite. People who play games do that. I am betting a lot of the ladies on this board may take issue with that statement.

[Lloydbraun]

Actually, she said it "would not hurt" to hang out.

 

Should I bring up seeing other people? I know that I do not want to, but what if she does?

 

Lloyd in Ohio!

[bwhite00]

And by the way, the girl said it would NOT hurt to hang out which can only be interpreted as a positive sign!

 

I just recommend getting her as comfortable with being with you as quickly as possible... but also doing so playfully in a manner which conveys you're not expecting much but a fun time. Laughter and fun are a must.

[Lloydbraun]

Any advice on the seeing other people part? Honestly, I feel that I will win out. Cocky, yes, but that's how I feel. But at the same time it pisses me off a bit. lol

[bwhite00]

Loyd trust me on this: do not bring seeing other people up but if SHE does just be cool about it.

 

Your first goal should be: a little face-to-face time, something mutually agreeable that doesn't scream 'DATE'. Make it short and sweet. If SHE brings the relationship up then COOL but I woulnt initiate that conversation topic as it cam turn an otherwise enjoyable experience into an awkward one quick.

 

Text messages, facebook and even communication via phone are in no way as effective of spending a little quality time together.

 

And if she's not ready or you're not ready to meet in person - there's NO rush. Make sure your mind-set is stable ( calm and confident opposed to desperate and depressed). I cannot stress that enough.

 

It sounds like you guys had a pretty loving relationship and building it back up o that point will take TIME and patience! It also sounds like your heart is in the right place. I wish you nothing but luck.

[Puckdog27]

And by the way, the girl said it would NOT hurt to hang out which can only be interpreted as a positive sign!

 

I just recommend getting her as comfortable with being with you as quickly as possible... but also doing so playfully in a manner which conveys you're not expecting much but a fun time. Laughter and fun are a must.

 

Apologies, I miss read. Laughter and fun are a must.

[Lloydbraun]

Thanks guys, I appreciate it.

 

I am surprised that so few ladies have commented on this. A female perspective would also be nice.

 

Everything works out as it should, but the waiting is rough at times. lol

[bwhite00]

And to reiterate I didn't mean to imply women are manipulative (though just like men, they can be). I just meant to say in some cases, if the girl was hurt, she's not going to lay all of her cards on the table - undying love, marriage, etc.

 

For example my ex told me repeatedly we couldn't 'work out' because we split up twice but her BODY LANGUAGE is suggesting otherwise and I was prepared to give up but I didn't and it's made all the difference in the world.

 

Women and their motives can be somewhat alien to use men and regaining a woman's trust is a delicate task that can be very frustrating. I've figured out her saying one thing but maybe (subconciously?) meaning another is just her defense mechanism protecting herself from being heart broken again and understandably so.

[Lloydbraun]

Yes, I definitely believe she is afraid of getting hurt. But, I know I will not do that. Deep down I sense she feels like I do.

 

It is just a * * * * * to wait, esp if she is dating others. But, I know that is a needed step. My dating others confirmed to me what I want.

[bwhite00]

And no worries man, we're all here to help!

 

I've made slow progress in my seemingly hopeless break up because of this forum. And whether the goal is to get over an ex or get her back, this board rules!

 

I'm just trying to help and I am by NO means a pro at relationships but if anything I can say will help and not hurt the situation, I am happy!!

[Lloydbraun]

Thanks and good luck to you.

 

Patience and not trying too hard are my keys. Luckily I have gained patience over the years. lol

 

The trying part will the the other people issue. I will let her bring that up. She knows I have dated others. She said she dated/met a few from online, but they weren't her type.

 

Lloyd

[bwhite00]

Yeah that's cool Lloyd. You know what you want and you're asking for advice on how to get it. That's commendable. Most guys would just continuously do the wrong things at the wrong time and make the situation more perilous.

 

My opinion is don't bring the subject up. Trust me if she's seeing someone she'll let you know. And by asking her, you're possibly coming off as insecure. The fact is no guy can just swoop in and build replace the deep emotional connection you guys shared in that short of time (if ever!). And that's the mentality you have to have.

 

The fact is, even if she is seeing someone any protests you make will not be well received. She knows you think marriage might be a possibility one day and ultimately isn't that what she was wanting before you split up?

 

My ex wanted to marry me and I was always non-committal. Well after we broke up? I wanted to marry the girl. Truly a case of you don't know what you have until it's gone.

 

You've told her this once, don't repeat it over and over! Just go slow, be patient. Accept any rejection with grace and stick with your convictions.

[Lloydbraun]

This has been VERY helpful. Let's see what happens. lol

 

Patience...

[Lloydbraun]

We are going out this week. Wish me luck.

[bwhite00]

Cool dude! Just be yourself and have fun and things will fall into place!