Still crying - when does it stop?

[annbuckley]

Well, this is my first thread. I ended my ten year marriage because my husband was verbally and emotionally abusive. I believe that he has Narcissistic Personality Disorder and Borderline Personality Disorder. So, obviously the right thing to do was for me to end the marriage.

 

I have spent the last two years on a roller coaster. In Jan of this year, I had enough and I wasn't going to live that life any more. I had a zero contact policy and was doing fine and then on Valentines day, he left on my table the biggest bouquet of flowers you could imagine. Slowly I got sucked into communicating again Slowly I started to miss the good times and I went away with him on a weekender. We tried to talk about what happened and all of that. As the months passed, I thought we had a chance. But in true NPD form, once the need was filled the tables switched and his usual behavior began again.

 

Fast forward, in June i filed for the separation and just last week for the divorce. He hasn't signed the divorce papers yet. He went away this weekend with his new girlfriend.

 

I haven't stopped crying for almost two years. I have tried everything to make this relationship work. I don't hate him - which is probably what makes this so tough. I wish I did. I cried so hard when i found out that he was with his new girl that I broke blood vessels in my eyelids.

 

He is toxic - and this girl is a Plug and Play - he is courting her exactly the way he did me. He is playing the same music, cooking the same meal, extremely attentive - she is having a great time. He will hurt her. i am relieved that I know this tactic well.

 

Why am I still crying. It is nuts. i don't know what to do. I have a life, a sailboat, friends, hobbies. What is going on?!? I asked for the divorce!!! Why do I care at all? Why does every bone in my body ache?

 

I don't know how to get off of the drama and this roller coaster ride.

[Hell_On_Heels]

You had 10 years together. Of course it's gonna hurt, and for a long time. You will hate him or at least be angry once you've processed what he's done to you. I know it's logical to think that we'd be happier away from them and not miss them when they were abusive. But that's simply not true. In some ways you miss them more, because you're so caught in the habit of them, of feeling bad...does that make sense?

 

There are books and websites about this, about healing after an emotionally abusive relationship. It's going to take more work simply due to the damage to you. I'm going through the same kind of divorce but mine was only 3 years.

[annbuckley]

I see we are about the same age - I relate to your statement about anger. I wasn't angry before - i was sad - deeply sad - but now, I am so angry and i have never been angry before about anything - and there is a good dose of denial! I must have always been angry. It is my second marriage and the disillusionment has had it's worse effect on me. I don't know what to do next. I am in counseling and I am an avid reader - but i just want to get on with things. The process is the tough part and I don't know what to process first. The whole thing is overwhelming!

[Hell_On_Heels]

It's my second marriage, too. I think failing in this one about killed me.

 

I'm glad you're angry, this is a good sign. Let it out - punch pillows or break glasses (that you don't like) - do whatever you have to until the anger is gone. I'm not angry yet.

 

It's very overwhelming. There are so many pieces. We miss the men we fell in love with. We miss having someone there (even though they were never really "there"). We miss the dream of growing old with someone. We feel betrayed. We feel like we can't trust our own judgment. That we can't trust anyone else. That we will be alone. Our self-esteem is shot.

 

and a million other things...I don't know if there is an order to processing it. I just go with whatever I am thinking about the most, and try to deal with that.

 

You can PM me any time.

[annbuckley]

What does PM mean? Sorry - I am new here.

 

I was married the first time 14 years - the second for ten.

 

I don't trust my judgment for men anymore.

 

I ranted a few minutes ago on the "talk here not to the ex" page. I feel a bit drained from it. I want my head to stop thinking about him - especially when I know how toxic he was! My logic knows that this is the right thing for me - my emotions........they have a mind of their own. It is almost obsessive - actually - that is exactly what it is and i don't know how to stop it.

 

My anger will need to be released however - before it hurts me more than I have already been hurt. I keep imagining him in on of those old fashioned onion cutters - you know the one that is a clear bowl with a few little knives on a plunger - you push the plunger up and down over and over for chopping up veggies! I wanna put him in it and chop,chop, chop!! LOL!

 

I understand that second marriages have a higher failure rate than first ones, but I was sure I chose right. That is the part that really burns my heart up. I am his third!

[Hell_On_Heels]

LOL @ your onion chopping image. I've had a few violent fantasies myself! They really did a number on us, and it's natural for us to want to strike back.

 

Physical activity is the best release for the anger...but you know that already, I think.

 

I waas sure I chose right, too. My first marriage was 13 years. He passed away from cancer 3 years after I left him. It was so hard on my kids...but they are grown now and are wonderful people. I'm so proud of them!

 

After they were grown, I started dating my ex. Fell in love. Was convinced he was the one for me. And things were good until after the wedding vows. Then he started taking me for granted. Then I started getting hurt all the time. A few weeks would be good, and then BAM! He'd say something painful and horrible again. Mostly he just neglected me and our relationship. Too busy with everyone and everything else to be bothered. He resented having to do anything in the relationship at all.

 

I went from being an independent happy person to a clingy crying pathetic little mouse. How does that happen in 1.5 years? (We dated for 1.5 years and then were married for 1.5 years).

 

I think we need to let go of the idea that we're failures because our second marriage didn't work out. I also think that next time, we need to take a lot of time to get to know them, and to follow our instincts immediately! There were some red flags for me, and I ignored them.

[annbuckley]

Oh! I can relate to the red flag thing and it is part of the crux. Hindsight is twenty-twenty alright! Yes, I too went from an extremely capable and confident person to thin weepy jello. It is so hard to get the backbone realigned after it has been felled. You sound like you are in a better place now. How long did it take you to get to where you are now?

[Hell_On_Heels]

He asked me for a divorce on Apr 19. I fell apart. I moved out on May 12. I've been a mess up until the point where I traveled accross country to reconcile or at least do therapy together and he changed his mind when I got there...and that was 3 weeks ago, I guess. Once he did that, I cried for a week, and then started to feel resolved inside. The power switched. He has wanted the divorce all along (in spite of his temporary lapse). But I didn't want it up until he did that to me. God, he was so vicious, it still haunts me.

 

But...I made a decision, too. I don't want him back. And that has been very helpful.

 

I think with yours, once you cry it out, the fact that he went on vacation with a new girl will be your turning point. They simply aren't worth it, and they don't deserve us. We're not perfect but we're a heck of a lot better than what they gave us.

 

Also, PM means Private Message.

[annbuckley]

Mine has been a two year roller coaster ride in total, but the big stuff has been only since Jan. The worst - for me - likewise this last three weeks. Separation agreement June 10 - I had had enough - then we talked about it one more time and he thought we should hold off for the divorce and he still had my wedding ring on his key chain. Then I said we should talk things through - but then I found all the dating site stuff and the lies that were on them about him being divorced and with no family. That was it. I booked the lawyer and went for the divorce. He hasn't even tried to fix the broken parts of the relationship. He doesn't think he was abusive - he thinks I was. Anyway, you are right - bang on - this is my turning point. I hope. I have had more than one! I can't live with the thought that he has slept with someone else. That then makes it pretty concrete for me. I have a lot of new found respect for his ex wives though - and now I clearly understand why H. was as freaky as she was. I am not going to grovel as she did - but I get it. The last words I said to him on Thursday night were " I love you" his, the same. I want that to be the end of it. Period. You and I are both pretty raw. It sure hurts - thank goodness that we can talk about it!

[Hell_On_Heels]

It's definitely pretty raw. I feel like I'm getting better, though - slowly. I don't think about him as much. Oddly, sometimes I just get bored with it, and end up concentrating on my job hunt instead. Now, if I could concentrate on my college work, I'd be golden, lol, but I'm still doing pretty badly there.

 

When we split, I kept thinking that he was right, I was a terrible person, and I totally forgot or lied to myself that I was unhappy throughout the marriage. He told me and anyone who would listen that I am bipolar, menopausel, psychotic, passive-aggressive, mean, evil, and spiteful. And I believed that...what a mind f***

 

But after he said he loves me so much, is mierable without me, wants to reconcile, wants to go to therapy together...and then changed his mind 3 days later. God! Not only did he change his mind, he was so awful, full of accusations and rage. He really did scare me - and he had never so much as slammed a door in the 3 years I'd known him. He was changing our history, and then screaming at me that I'm full of sh**, and that I change the story to suit me, to make me look better.

 

I am pretty good at owning up to what I do wrong, and I have a much better memory than he does, so I knew he was making this stuff up, or projecting onto me. And just the sheer cruelty and power trip of having me go back accross country just to slam me down one more time...that took my breath away.

 

And I was finally able to say, "I don't want this man. I don't like him, I don't trust him, I want him out of my life."

 

I still have days where I wonder if he was right. But then I remember that his own teenage son threatened to live with his mom if his dad wouldn't spend any time with him. So it wasn't just me. The son felt it, too. And that helps.

 

I still feel rejected, because I was. He would rather go through this hell than spend any time with me. This is the better solution for him. That hurts a lot.

I still feel lonely sometimes, but I was lonely when I was with him, too.

 

Mostly I feel empty because I've cut ties and moved accross the country. I don't know anyone here, and I am not working yet. Once those things are in place, I think I will feel tons better. So I job hunt constantly, and I have joined some local meetup groups to find new friends here.

 

The only thing that remains is the divorce itself. I have been wanting him to file it, mainly because it's his mess and he should clean it up. So far, nothing. When I tried to talk to him about it during our last big fight, he was screaming/panicked. It makes no sense to me.

 

He has been trying to sell a guitar, and I'm assuming that once sold, he will have the money to file. I checked this morning, and the ad is gone. I may be getting papers very soon. I'm anxious to know if he has the guts to follow through with this or not.

[annbuckley]

From what you are saying, I don't think he will file honey. He will find something else to explode on. Usually, when they rage, it is their childhood tantrums. I know what you mean about believing them because I believed mine too. Not fully, thankfully. I started to explore what was going on because it made no sense. I believe whole hearted that mine has NPD and BPD - but that made it harder - because then he was sick! Right - you don't leave a sick person. As I explore and research that part of it, I see the patterns so clearly. I cry everyday - and all the time - and I am tired. I suspect that even though you may not cry as much anymore, he is always on your mind.

 

It is hard when you believe that the person you chose was only an illusion. I look forward to talking to you more. I, like you, am moving away as soon as my house sells. The good news is when you leave what you know, everyday becomes a new adventure.

[jenna-is-here]

Hi Ann -

The crying eventually stops. You just get tired of it. Sometimes I am about to break out into a cry and then Im like, I dont feel like it...and start doing something else. It becomes less intense.

 

I too just came out of a relationship with someone who has many characteristics of narcissistic personality. When we are involved with Narci's we give and give and give. I think much of my afterbreak up crying was due to exhaustion, frustration and feeling so lost because they just rip you to the core. You just lose yourself when involved with a narci. They are incredibly charming, alluring, etc. They have it down. We have to come off that drug and get our balance back of who we were before we met them.

 

I found some great articles...I will PM them to you. One is titled, Why is so hard to leave a Narci.

[Hell_On_Heels]

Jenna, can you send the articles to me, too? Thank you

 

Ann, he may not file. I guess I will know in a few weeks. What did you mean when you said he will explode on something else? You don't mean explode again with me?

[annbuckley]

Jenna - awesome - can't wait to read them!

 

Hell - honey - he may or may not explode on you but I am sure he will have a meltdown. Guys like him, detest paying for stuff they don't think that they are responsible for and divorce is a flag for them - unless they have found someone they want to marry? Otherwise his priority will always be something other than giving you closure.

 

Not all men are like that - but lots are.

[Hell_On_Heels]

I was thinking he'd file because his dating pool is smaller - a lot of women will not date a separated man. He does hate paying for things that are not about him or his fun. I don't know. I guess only time will let me know, but it's pretty crazy-making in the meantime.

[annbuckley]

No doubt sweetie. I hear you. I understand the crazy making side and it is hard when you want to move on with your life but you are in limbo because they hold a piece of you. Every morning i wake up and think of him - before I even open my eyes. I am trying but it is tough. I am glad that mine can't wait to divorce me. But I dread the idea that I will get an email from him or a note. I don't want anything to do with him. I just want over to be well.....over. I wish the same for you.

[Hell_On_Heels]

We'll keep wishing and visualizing it and working towards, and it will come true for us.

 

Part of me knows that the divorce is for the best. May as well have it done and over with now.

Part of me is resisting that. I'm just not ready. It doesn't seem like that long - 3 months? From being married to being divorced?

 

And, I also wonder if I would prefer to file myself for a few reasons:

I am tired of having no control over this thing when it impacts my life so profoundly.

I know he doesn't want me in his life, but can he cut me out completely?

 

And I ask myself:

Is he passive-aggressive, expecting me to handle this?

Is he really the guy my friends and family all say he is - who won't put anything into a relationship unless it's fun for him?

 

Blech! Too many questions all hinging on a stupid legal document that, in essence, changes nothing.

 

I also dread hearing from him. He has my attorney's contact info, so if he does file, he'll probably go that route. But it always seems like he'll email one day - like they can't resist the scene of the crime. I guess we will deal with it if/when it happens....and by then, we probably won't care anymore. Ahhhh, apathy, you lovely lovely thing.

[annbuckley]

Did you get Jenna's email - bang on for me - bang on.

 

I filed because I needed to control something. Exactly. I had no control in the marriage at all - ziltch. It was hard not to have equal footing on simple things.

 

I know it seems like it is just a piece of paper honey, but it isn't. It is our identity. We were xyz's wife and it was prideful for us to be that wife. Yes, it does take two in a marriage for sure - but there are some things that we have no say in that weaken our progression.

 

I think, if you can afford to do it, then you may feel stronger. For that alone, I certainly do. I chose a better life for myself. That doesn't mean I am over him but it is a blanket of security that there is ultimately an end. Also, if you want to find a future for yourself, you can't be attached to the past. It is far to hard to feel the freedom.

 

You are lovely. Thank you for your kind responses. It is really a privilege to talk to you.

 

Ann

[Hell_On_Heels]

Jenna's PM was right on for me, too.

 

I can't file for another 6 months. State law. I'm not very talkative right now.

 

It's a privilege to talk to you, too.