When You Don't Like Your Family Anymore

[grai]

hi

 

I'm a 52 year-old single man and one of 5 children - 3 brothers one sister

 

We have always been a dysfunctional family - my mother is narcisistic and my father distant

 

But my parents and my siblings are good people and there was a lot of conflict and a lot of closeness jokes and warmth too

 

Dad dies 3 years ago with Alzheimers after a 7 year battle and a nightmare beyond description that only other families who have suffered the same fate can possibly understand

 

It blew a huge hole in our family

 

My brother who had lived at home with my parents couldnt take Dad's illness and my mothers self-obsession any longer and announced he was leaving

 

They were not able to be there alone so we agreed to move them to live with my sister and her partner

 

With one condition - that we sign the value of my parents house over to them and forego our inheritence of the money - meaning they would keep the £100,000 plus after my parents death

 

Dad died 3 months after moving in

 

Then they split up and mother had to be moved to live alone

 

My sister and I had a huge fight and I told her she only took mother for the money

 

My sister resents my mother terribly and has major issues being the only girl and her partner at the time had dollar signs in his eyes and she went along with taking my parents

 

Now the money is back to be shared among us

 

But the resentment remains

 

how could your own sister try to rip off her own brothers?

 

She never involved us with her 4 children when they were small or paid any interest in the extended family - she was possessive of her kids - and they have grown up having been given the impression their grandparents and uncles are a waste of time

 

they are rude and indifferent altho as children they were adorable as young people they are just obnoxious

 

My mother is living close to my sister (which my sister resents and does the bare minimum for my mother who is 78 and has 2 artificial knees)

 

She forgets the only reason she has my mother on her doorstep is the greed of her ex-partner and arguably herself

 

This means i have to visit and see them regularly

 

Its heart-breaking to me - especially because I live alone and they are my only family - that we have come to a situation where we are biting our tongues around each other to stop a major fight

 

It makes me feel like I am totally alone in the world even tho I am from a large family that now feel like that is over and I need to move on and try to live alone

 

My brother's have decided to concentrate on their partners and barely hide their hatred and hurt towards my sister

 

I love my sister but I want to confont her - but I have so much anger it will only be destructive

 

She has recently taken to saying my mother treats her differently to me (less nastily) because my mother knows my sister is "her only ally"

 

implying that I do nothing for my mother and my sister has her "on her doorstep"

 

In fact my mother has told me many times how selfish my sister is - she doesnt answer her mobile or landline or return texts - some ally

 

I am *DYING* to say this to my sister! but I know they will be another major fight (the last fight we had we didnt speak for 4 months and I spent Christmas on my own)

 

But I feel like keeping quiet is indulging my sister to an extent she doesnt deserve so it lose-lose

 

I am *DYING* to say that after years of her ignoring us and not including us in her childrens' lives and taking every opportunity to express her disinterest in the family (except when they was a chance to get her hands on £100,000) we are now disinterested in her and plan to ignore her when mother dies

 

Then the loving brother kicks in and I'd hate to be that nasty to my only sister who before Dad got ill I was really close to (altho I made all the effort - because my sister "has the kids" the old eternal excuse to behave selfishly)

 

Can you understand my dilemma?

 

Has anyone else reached 40-something and started to wonder whether your family are not worth the grief and hurt?

 

thats not what I want to feel so I'm hanging in there - I have a lot to offer them as an uncle and brother and they have a lot to offer me and it would be madness to see that all go to waste

 

But sometimes I just think maybe I'm just dreaming and in 10 years time all these people will be strangers to me

 

Please let me have any suggestions or feedback

 

thanks

 

grai

[norsewoman]

God...I don't know if I'm you or your sister, or neither. I am the eldest child of my mother.

 

I can tell you that if you are not present to care for your parents (but could be) there is a lot of resentment on the part of the sibling who is taking care of the parents (that would be me, in my case).

 

In my case, I have a sib who lives an hour away from me and my mother. Although I begged this sib to come and assist when our mom broke her arm in february, this sister couldn't find the time to do so. I was the sole care-taker for our mom for three entire months. Believe it or not, this was a huge deal. HUGE. Bathing, dressing, feeding...unbelievable. I couldn't believe my sister wouldn't help me.

 

Give us a bit more detail...were you able to assist? Yes or no, and why? I can see why this sister might want the bulk of the estate if she's been the sole support.

[norsewoman]

Wow. I don't know how much money your parents had, but I don't think your sibs were in this for the money. You never know how long your parents will last. My mother could live another ten years, and she is 81 and has COPD. I have a feeling that a certain pair were responsible for the care of the parents, am I right? If so, I think you should let the whole estate thing go their way. If you were not able or willing to assist your parents, you should not expect the same reward as those who were willing to care for them. To care for people in that situation is very exhausting. I speak from experience.

[norsewoman]

And for the record, my Mom has no estate. Do your parents, how much, and is it worth it to fight for it?

[grai]

Hi Norsewoman

 

Thanks for your honest replies

 

Its not about the amount of money so much as the insistence that they keep it when our parents die which made no sense - I am counting on the money to cushion my retirement and they know that

 

But since my sister's psycho partner walked out mother is living elsewhere and the money situation has been re-instated to where we all inherit fairly

 

But the result of that has caused enormous resentment everywhere

 

My mother isnt a burden in any way other than she needs to feel included in the family which my sister has never done for years - my sister spends more energy expressing her disinterest in the family (its like OK!! WE GET IT!) than doing anything except the bare minimum for my mother - and that she does resentfully and grudgingly and my mother knows it

 

My mother needed a lift from the train station last week but no-one showed up (my sister and nieces all drive and said they would be there) My mother (with 2 artificial knees and stents in her heart) lugged a case onto a bus and nearly collapsed trying to get back to her house

 

This is a regular occurrance

 

I see what youre saying about high maintenance care being unfairly left to one person but it doesnt really apply here - its more just about people acting like FAMILY instead of RELATIVES which is a totally different thing

 

I'm 3 hours away and go about once a month/6 weeks and stay for 4 or 5 days if possible - my sister said last time "all you seem to do is get waited on when you come" because mother was cooking a meal

 

My sister NEVER spends more than half an hour a week with my mother and reads the newspaper because she says she doesnt have anything to say to a 78 year old because she's only 45

 

MY mother is toxic and I understand this but what she forgets is on my visits I am there morning noon and night with my mother - something if she was in my situation she would never contemplate even consider travelling 3 hours to do

 

Hence the comment about being waited on hand and foot

 

Last time I was there I decorated the entire 2 bed appartment over 11 days and my sister came and made criticising comments when it was finished

 

Everything we do is theatening to her because it highlights what little she actually does

 

At the same time I hear what youre saying about being there and being responsible - my mother had a massive heart attack last year and altho I was there the whole time if it happened again tomorrow the responsibilty would fall totally on my sister until we arrived - altho how we would contact her is a mystery as she doesnt answer any of her phones

 

But psychologically she is under a lot more perssure than I am because I know no matter how poisoned I am after 5 days with my mother I am going home

 

The other side of that however is a feeling that my sister is only in this situation because the boyfriend wanted the £100,000 They never visited my parents when they lived far away because "we have the kids" (??) They only became interested when they hatched the plan to keep the money - we were all cornered at that point and had to agree

 

But now he has gone and my sister has been left up a well-known creek without a paddle so I have a very hard time sympathising or listening to all the complaining about the pressure she is under Basically she got what she deserved

 

But thanks for the reminder of the other side of the coin that being the nearest geographically is a very different situation to my arriving and leaving - thats food for thought

 

I just want to get to a point where we regain the warmth and fun we had as a family before all this crap happened and we can operate on a sustainable basis that everyone can cope with - at the moment we are all keeping each other at arms length and hating each other for it

[grai]

how do I delete this

 

posting it wasnt helpful at all