Confused,

[Snowdog70]

a little over 2 years ago my ex of 8 years broke up with me, she told me she didn't have romantic feelings for me and wanted to date to find out her feelings, and search for "the one". She told me she wanted everything between us to remain the same, just no sex or intimacy.

 

During the following months we still saw each other, still spent time together, and she even let me hold her still, but in May we agreed on no contact for 3 months, during that time she went on a trip(she was also planning on moving away) to Florida, to look around, she had a friend email me to find out how I was doing, I replied saying I wanted nothing to do with her anymore and wanted her out of my life, she replied when she saw my reply to her friend, and said she was moving, etc. etc.(she broke the NC rule after less than 2 months)

 

The next day we got together and talked, from that point on we went places together and spent time together, she let me hold her and at times seemed to get close. 1 day I told her she was scared and she freaked out. Whenever I talked of moving on she would say "you'll never find anyone like me", or "I just want to go on a few dates and see how it goes, maybe I won't like it", and once even said "I don't want to get back together because when I move it will be like you are breaking up with me again" she said on 2 occasions that I broke up, and I didn't, she said it was a slip.

 

Forward to her moving, she moved Nov. 2002, and came back for xmas, we got close at that time. She was looking for work here, and said if she didn't have a job by march she would come back. She found a job but kept in constant contact, I went to see her in July and we spent every day together, she made love to me 3x and we got back together,

 

then around october she blocked me on AIM, contact was less, and I was beginning to think she was dating someone(this was all after I told her to just move back and marry me, and she said "you have to understand when i marry you I am marrying my best friend"), then she came home for xmas and said "we are just friends again, I would have a hard time moving back", the next day we made love, I proposed and she said she has no romantic feelings for me, wants to be friends and is happy in Fl now, so she made love to me 2 more times and on her last day here she would tell me I should move there and that she loves me etc.

 

From my bday in Jan on there was little contact, she told me she was dating different people. March she started to call once a week every week, email detailed responses.

 

I was planning to go there in April, but she said to wait until May, she was moving out and I could stay with her, she didn't move and I went at the end of May.

 

I got there and she called me around 2pm to see how my progress was on getting there, I was already there, and I later learned she took a 1/2 day of work. when she came to the hotel, she asked if i came down hoping we would get togehter, I said yes, she said that will not happen at all, and I said "your seeing someone aren't you?" she said she doesn't consider him her boyfriend, but he is 44(she is 28 ) has lots of issues, 2 kids 2 divorces and she has told him they have no future, she said they just go out and have fun, I said "yeah i bet lots of fun" and she said "yes" she knew I meant sleeping together. she told me she has no romantic feelings for him or me and is looking for the one that will give her those feelings.

 

We went for a walk I said nothing to her and stayed away, she acted as if all was fine and when she dropped me off she asked if I wanted to do anything tomorrow, I told her to call the next day.

 

She called and I said no, that it isn't appropriate for her to see her ex BF, when she has one, that I need to move on etc. So after we hung up I called her later that night and told her I lost all respect for her and was disappointed in her, I said if she had feelings for this guy it would be different, but she turned into everything she hated, and went against what she always said, I told her I fell her feelings for me are deeper and stronger than she will admit, and that she is afraid of them for some reason. she claims to not have given any sign or signals, yet when I said she called me once a week she denied it, to the point of saying she would check her cell bill, I asked her about the affectionate Easter card, where she drew hearts, and used stamps that said I love you, she said that was a friendly card, and that she draws hearts for everyone, and the stamps are what they gave her(yet when I saw her room she had flag stamps), I told her she knows my feelings and how I would take that.

 

the next day I missed her a lot and gave in, I called her and asked her if she wanted to do anything, she said she can't because she made plans with this gay man who is helping her to buy a place. She said she is all stressed out over all this with me, and I told her if I stress her out then she needs to examine that.

 

Monday we went to the zoo, she loves the zoo, and yet it was clear she hadn't been there since I was there last year, then after she said she was hungry for shrimp and she hasn't had shrimp since I was there last year(a favorite of hers), the next dinner we went to a place we both like, yet she didn't remember which way to go to get there, and the final dinner was a place she always wanted to go to but never had a chance too. my final day there she let me hold her and even turned and leaned back into me, we went on a boat ride(she loves that as well) yet she made it a point to say she was on it last with her friend Sharon aver a year ago, then talking about a different ride it sounded like she was on this one, and she made it a point to say "I haven't been on that one, we saw it when we were coming back on the other boat". If she is dating or seeing this guy where are they taking her? McDonalds. Also when I asked the mans name she said "what does it matter" then paused and said Rex, one day leaving her place I saw a video place with a big sign that said "rex", I also looked in her room and saw nothing from another man, no signs of anyone, other than me, I saw her calander and it had when I was coming and leaving, but no other mans name, nothing, no bday for another, no pictures nothing.

 

so our final 1/2 hour she got antsy, sat down on a bench and she was fidgeting and seemed to want to say something, then by the cars I was holding her and I tried a kiss, she started to then stopped, and would not give me another chance, she was fidgety still, and then said "this is weird" and I asked what? she said "it's like you don't want to let me go" I was holding her like I always have in the past, nothing weird, etc. I told her I was happy that she was happy there and she said not really, I asked what would make her happy and she said "to have my cats"

 

I came home, and she called 2 days later, I emailed her b4 that and she said she got the email and "it was the only reason I knew you got home", she then asked about my job (I told her there is a real chance of losing it in oct.). We talked for a while until her phone card ran out, another unusual thing for her, she always used her cell to call me after 9pm, then a couple small emails, nothing big, and no calls. I called her last week and she told me she moved out, something in the past that she would have done right away, but she sent me a fathers day card from the cats(they live with me) and thats where it stands.

 

I'm not sure what to think anymore, sorry for being so long, I tried to keep it short, but got on a roll

[spaceandtime]

Dude - no idea but my advice is, the girl doesn't know what she wants, what she feels and clearly isn't really into you romantically in the way you would like.

 

Don't waste time trying to analyse her actions. You just get in a mind ---- situation. Instead move on and find happiness with someone less messed up.

 

Easy-peasy.

[shellysue]

Actually, I have to agree here. Towards the end of my marriage, I still loved my husband dearly but not in a 'romantic'way. He was like my best friend but once those intimate feelings were gone, I couldnt look at him as a lover any more. However, as I still loved him, we still had a close bond and this was confusing for both of us.

 

Even after I moved out, he would come round to see me and the kids and call me 'honey' and 'darling' and try hold my hand, hold me etc. I was frustrated that he couldnt seem to move on, yet I loved him enough as a friend not to want to hurt him.

 

It did take quite a while for us both to adjust and it helped when I moved to another town 4 hours away. This distance gave us the opportunity to start separating our lives and find more of a respectable balance in our relationship.

 

I can assure you that your ex is probably feeling just as confused as you are, but sadly from what you've written, it appears that even though she still cares for you deeply (and obviously doesnt want to hurt you), she is no longer actually in love with you. I hope you can both move on and that it all works out for you both.

[jasminebose]

I agree with the above posters that she is probably not still in love with you but I also think the way she has acted is really unfair to you. She has messed you about, making you think you have a chance and then telling you no. For your own sanity I would stay away from her and try and move on. You really don't need that kind of drama in your life. You can find someone who is as sure as you are about wanting to be together.

 

JZ

[TrueHeart]

Honestly, I think you might be reading into her actions a little too much.. More than anything, she's portrayed that she doesn't have those feelings for you.. but she's comfortable with you.. After 8 years in a relationship, this doesn't surprise me-- to be honest hon, I think she's affectionate with you out of habit, and though you're miscontruing a lot of her actions and words, I believe its possible you're trying to salvage something that just isn't there.

 

Perhaps forcing you emotions, affection on her has put her on a guilt trip. She's determined to find 'the one'-- and clearly thats not you. Sorry to be so harsh, but you just need to tell her that you will be her friend, but nothing more... Stop holding her and all that.. She's only playing a game. I am so sorry that you've gone through this, but after 8 years, thats quite a looong time. You just need to accept that you're not the one for her... or perhaps... better yet... SHE's not the one for YOU...