I was healing but I haven't felt much better in

[keith515]

5 days ago I posted this thread:

 

It's titled "It's time to stop analyzing and time to feel the pain"

 

I don't feel any better since 5 days ago. 4 weeks ago my ex broke up with me and it was 3 weeks ago I picked up my stuff.

 

Instead analyzing about why my ex broke up with me or who she was as a person, I've been reading about my past ex in my journal who cheated on me 5 years ago. It didn't bring me pain while reading, it just made me realize how similarities my past ex and current ex has.

 

I don't know why the healing stopped. I felt better about the break up when I came up with this conclusion:

 

 

I think the healing may have stopped because now I'm in limbo - I'm conflicted. EVERY MORNING I wake up before my alarm with thoughts of my ex. I'm conflicted because one side of me LOVED our time together and the other side thinks I'm glad she's not my GF because things most likely would have turned out bad in the long run.

 

We haven't talked since I picked up my stuff. Part of me wants her to call but I'm not sure how I'd react and don't think I would be very friendly towards her. I don't want her to know how I've been feeling or what's been going on in my life.

 

I miss her and wish I could talk to her and would love for us to have what we once had but I know so much stuff about her that I wouldn't be able to trust her and act the same.

[FootofGod]

Heh, maybe being conflicted is better than not being conflicted. I dream of her, wake up every day and think of her, and have to get myself together. But, no matter what, I only enjoyed all of our time together. There just really weren't bad times for me. Anything that was bad went away when I was with her. Too good to last, I guess.

[keith515]

But, no matter what, I only enjoyed all of our time together. There just really weren't bad times for me. Anything that was bad went away when I was with her. Too good to last, I guess.

 

That's part of the problem with this one. I didn't every have a bad time with her. I loved talking to her, hanging out with her, touching her, and on and on and on.

 

However, there were things I knew about her beforehand that made me apprehensive about getting too heavily involved. Eventually I forgot it all and only saw her through rose-colored glasses.

 

But after the break up, I learned all this stuff. Both friends of her told me I was better off. Heck, even her mother said "I was lucky." My ex told me that's what her mom said about the break up.

 

I should feel I'm better off and I'm pretty sure she would have cheated on me if she didn't already. But I have no memories of her that makes feel I'm better off. It's just what I know.

[FootofGod]

She was really my dream girl. Redhead, cute face, nice body, a little bit shy but has a great personality underneath, loves all the same music as me, reads the same things I read, followed each other's irradic trains of thought without even trying, often times like we had access to each other's brains. We practically had our own unspoken language - even facial gestures or quirky motions that somehow relayed information. She's a design major and I'm an engineering major - we complemented each other in that way, like she put the color to the numbers and I put the structure to the design... gosh. Same views of life, the universe, same feelings on religion. Everything was so effortless on both of our parts that I cannot even fathom that I managed to meet one person like her - I've never met anyone like that before and sometimes I get skeptical about the future.

 

Heh, I kind of feel good now. And a little bad. I'm trying not to be lovestruck anymore, but if I wrote down a list of things that I want in a dream girl, I'd end up writing her persona without trying. I want more, but at the same time, I'm so happy that it happened. It's just so unlikely.

 

*we had enough differences to still be separate people, but for the most part those differences were non-conflictory- they were just differences because, afterall, we were different people.

[keith515]

She was really my dream girl. .

 

Funny, I can't say the same. There were many things about her that I didn't like but I just didn't care because of the WAY I felt when I was her: she was bigger than me (she didn't care what she ate and never worked out) but I LOVED her butt ; didn't care if she cussed in front of her 8 year old; liked to go out A LOT; lazy about housework; slept a lot; had NO interests or hobbies. But I thought all these things were petty things and I didn't let them affect how I felt about her.

 

What I did like about her was: she was extremely pretty, good listener, very affectionate, loved her smile and laugh

 

I guess the way I feel is I loved being WITH her but as a person, I probably didn't feel the same. Even though I knew her for years through a mutual friend, I never gave her the time of day because I knew she had cheated on her husband for at least a couple of years. It was ALL about the way I felt when I was WITH her. I really felt like she loved me with the way she acted towards me.

 

But in hindsight (this thought actually makes me feel better for some reason) is I don't think she was ever really into me for the last 2 months. I think she used me (subconsciously or not) to break up with her BF and ease the pain of not having him (this was the BF she had been with 4 years who she had the affair with who lived in a different state). She was REALLY into me the first month but I know she had thought about breaking up with me a month and a half prior to us breaking up.

 

What pushed me over the edge was when we took our vacation and I asked her if this was real. She said "yes, it was." I told her I loved 2 days later and she said she wanted to say that a million times before. I don't know if that was the truth.

[FootofGod]

The only thing I don't like about my ex is that she left me lol.

 

Of course she has her little things, and her self-confidence and self-image issues, etc., but those were just more reasons to be supportive of her and let her know how beautiful she was to me.

 

I wish I could say she was a worse person or had lots of undesirable traits, but not to me. She really did it for me on all fronts. Wish I let her know more often, or I wish when I told her she didn't just think it was romantic fun stuff and that I meant it.

[keith515]

The only thing I don't like about my ex is that she left me lol.

 

Of course she has her little things, and her self-confidence and self-image issues, etc., but those were just more reasons to be supportive of her and let her know how beautiful she was to me.

 

I wish I could say she was a worse person or had lots of undesirable traits, but not to me. She really did it for me on all fronts. Wish I let her know more often, or I wish when I told her she didn't just think it was romantic fun stuff and that I meant it.

 

Well, I know my ex had self-esteem issues and she knew I was REALLY into her through my actions and my words. In fact, I may have done it too much.

 

But, if I hadn't done it enough, I'm sure she would have complained and said I didn't give her enough attention.

[FootofGod]

Yeah, I gave her plenty of attention. I don't know, it just seems like whatever I did, I failed to get the message accross. Or she didn't appreciate it.

[Trisk]

Man, sounds just too familliar. And I do feel very skeptical about the future, it must have been magic that I could be with her for two years given that she's 4 years older and completely herself, honest, hardworking, extremely sexy and beautiful in a sophisticated way.. Also had that brain connection.. I'd help her figure out stuff like when she was depressed from work, I'd talk to her about it, write the letters she used to find a new job etc. She'd help me with stuff like dealing with my fathers absence and the broken connection with my mother.. That's what caused us splitting up in the first place.. I realized too late that what I was really looking for with her was just a place to call our home where we could be and a family where we could do right what my parents couldn't.. But I'm still in a BAD way cause it's all still very very fresh.. I think it's going to take a looooooooong long time, perhaps even years, to really get over her..