getting back on my feet (emotionally)

[Nothisdoormat]

It's been about 6 months since my ex asked for space and a break (realistically a break-up).

 

It's taken quite some time for me to gain emotional momentum and begin to heal through all the phone calls and text messages from my ex. But I've managed with spiritual guidance. I've forgiven myself for not loving ME enough through this and I've also forgiven my ex for my own well-being.

 

Then came the phone call yesterday (Sunday morning). He has his son from Arizona for the summer, and he called to tell me. He also called to ask me if he could come get my son for a few days so our sons could play ball together and play video games, etc. while he (my ex) is at work. Our children have never met, although they've spoken on the phone together briefly. At first, I said it would be okay (but that was because my son knew it was him on the phone and when he heard something about my ex coming to get him, he was all for it). But I wasn't.

 

I don't want to trust my ex enough to allow my teenaged son to go along with him anymore. He'd be at work and our boys would be unsupervised. Anything could happen and the way I see it, since my ex betrayed me, he might do the same again. If our sons were to get into trouble, he'd be there for his son, and mine would be left to fend for himself...and I'd be left with the consequences of whatever might happen.

 

During the conversation, my ex wanted my opinion about whether he should apply for a credit card or wait awhile. I told him he should do what he feels is best, that it's his choice/decision and I'd rather not advise either way. It wasn't the answer he wanted nor expected. I could tell that. He said he asked me because he wanted my input. For what?

 

During the conversation, he asked me to hold for a minute while he went to answer the door...when he returned to the phone, my mind was somewhere else....he was talking...I really didn't hear him...wasn't listening..."Baby!" he called out. That startled me enough for me to conclude the conversation by telling him I had to go.

 

It took me this long for me to realize - really realize how the entire 6 months we've been apart, my ex has called, he's texted. He's done everything except try to see me. He's insinuated, hinted, everything except open his mouth and say, I'm sorry, I made a dreadful mistake in ending our relationship, I don't know what got into me, I want you back. I want to work on us, I want to work on the relationship - NONE OF THESE STEPS HAVE BEEN TAKEN.

 

About a month ago, he called because he was wondering whether he should do a part-time job and a full-time or just go for the full-time - my response was similar. "I don't know - it's your decision - your life - you have to do what's best for you." There was a hint of disappointment in his tone from my response.

 

I guess I stated all the above to say, the phone calls still go on to this day - the only difference is that....

 

FINALLY, to me - it doesn't matter. Yeah, I get a little emotional some times and want to ask him "what do you want from me." But then I catch myself, and I lovingly and patiently remind myself - It doesn't matter. It just DOES NOT MATTER.

 

 

-Sole

[tintin_K]

I am so glad that u are doing so well. I just hope I get to where u are now soon.