I don't know how to title this

[fpierce]

Usually I would never post on a place like this, but I have nobody I feel comfortable talking to and anonymity isn't going to bother me. Thanks for at least reading this, I think I just need to talk a bit.

 

I'm a bisexual male, and I'm in love with my best friend who is gay and is in a relationship. Last year, starting around the beginning of May (2009), I realized I had feelings for him but my weight didn't match his standards, so I essentially went on a starvation diet. Since then I've lost 85 pounds and am 20 pounds below being overweight, so my weight is medically sound. The whole diet wasn't starvation, but the first month or two was. After the first month I had lost about 13 pounds (which is really quite a lot if weight loss isn't the only thing taking up your time) and I told him I had been losing weight because I wanted a relationship with him. He told me he wasn't interested and was sorry, and we continued to be friends, even though I entered into severe depression.

 

I kept losing weight, and at around 40 pounds it turned from me losing weight for him to me losing weight for my own sake. However, my feelings for him remained and if anything only grew stronger as we became better friends.

 

When I started losing weight, I really didn't have any control over my emotions (thus the starvation diet), and I had no idea of the distinction between rational and emotional mindsets. The depression allowed me to have a lot of personal growth, and at this point I have a lot of self control and empathy for other people. Despite the changes I've experienced, I still feel in love with my friend. What might have started out as obsession (I didn't pay close enough attention to how I felt to accurately state what my feelings really were) has turned into actual love.

 

My friend is the only person I can say anything private to at all, and I know for a fact he feels the same way about me. He told me about two weeks ago that he cares for me, and that I am incredibly important to him. He's being genuine. Once he told me something so kind (I've forgotten what it was), that he had to preface it by saying he wasn't trying to come on to me.

 

I haven't been able to say a word of this to anybody because I live in the deep south and not even my mom is comfortable with my orientation. Besides that, I don't think there's anybody I would feel comfortable enough talking to besides my friend, and obviously that's not an option. I've been handling my emotions for over a year, and even though I've been able to pull myself out of depression, it's still hard for me to do much without this in the back of my mind. I have control over my thoughts, but this is constantly harassing me.

 

I can't get myself to say anything to him because the last thing I want to do is ruin my friendship with him. I feel like I look crazy, that our friendship was always just a front for me to start dating him, even though I never felt like it was. I don't want him to think the friendship is void because my perspective is skewed by a sexual mindset. But at the same time, I'm sick of thinking about this every day.

 

I'm sorry if this was rambling and choppy, but I said what I meant to and editing for prose is meaningless.

 

Thanks to all who reply.

[Thx]

Hi Fpierce, welcome to ENA!

 

Gee, these are always tough.

 

It's hard to fall out of love with someone, even though the romantic feelings are not mutual.

 

You will have to decide whether you want to stay so painfully close and can take it.

 

Personally, I think I would try and find someone else or at least get active.

 

You don't want to lose your friend or give him reason to feel offended or something, but for your sake I would try and get something else going.

 

Not break up the friendship, just try and get myself busy with something else too.

 

There are plenty of folks here who can relate, so stick around the forums and I'm sure you will find many threads on this.

 

Thx