didnt know where else to write this

[Izakaya]

I didnt know where to say this elsewhere but

 

I just need to write this down where hopefully someone will listen

 

I could talk about this with my friends, but its not cool, and im afraid people will get bored by hearing it.. because, honestly, im not satisfied with my life right now, so to listen to somebody elses problem, well i can do it, i can give them good advice often, but i dont really care about their problems, since i already feel i have to much on my own. is that selfish?

 

my problem is that im bored. in many ways, my life is really good, i have money, i have a family, i have lots and lots of friends, i work as a model, im popular, i have a strong healthy body, i have had many gfs. on top of that, i have almost perfect marks from school, without ever having worked hard to achieve it. I know i should be thankful, i really know, and i am, i know i am lucky, but still, i dont fell HAPPY about it. i just know it would be worse to not have any of these treats.

 

i cant really say im happy, but i cant really say im suicidal or anything either.

im just... nothing... the one thing i wish for is to feel more, but all my feelings are gone. I dont think of stuff as bad or good, i dont care if the person i speak to has in the past murdered someone, or if she does drugs.

I have my own morals, like, i dont wanna do drugs, i dont wanna go to a brothel etc, because i consider it bad for me, for my health, but i really dont care what other people do

 

I talk with alot of people, and alot of people wanna speak to me,

almost everyone tell me their stories, their problems, their everything, people fall in love with me, people want to have sex with me.. i like having sex sure, but, i still dont really feel like im living. im not passionate. I get complimented for alot, all the time. but , I dont care. whats wrong with me?

 

When I get a task, i do it, and i finish it. Deep down i pretty often dont wanna do it, but i always do it anyway because well, i dont wanna be any trouble for others, or i know that it is good maybe, or that i need the money. but, i dont really get any emotional reward for it. I just feel cold about it

 

I just dont know what to do with my life! I have everything, yet i feel i can give nothing. I can tell people advice, because, well, i know how relationship stuff for example work, but, I dont feel like I achieved anything by doing so.

 

I can score first in my class on an exam, and i dont feel proud at all. it just is a score, its practical to have a high score etc, easier to exit with a first honor so its good, but, i dont feel happy about it. why!? i am supposed to feel happy about it right? why dont i?

 

Im sick of myself, it feels like im lying all the time, it feels like i can meet noone that i really want to tell about myself, about my important experiences, about those feelings now. They dont interest me.

I feel like im not from this planet, i fit in, but then again i dont. not up in my head. Everyone thinks im their friend, but im the worst friend ever, because i dont even care about their problems. i try to. but in my heart, i dont feel for them at all. even when my class mates dad died, i didnt feel sad, i just felt awkward... because i didnt know how to act. in the end he told me all about how he felt, but i just couldnt connect. he felt i did, but, i didnt.

 

When i have a gf, they tell me about their life, and ask me about mine, i share with them about my life, but, even though i liked them at first, usually after a quite short while, i loose all interest in them.

 

I am constantly searching for something, to make me passionate, loving, and more emotional, but i dont know where to find it. I have everything yet i have nothing.

If anyone felt like this, please tell me how u solved this.

My life is like a nightmare now, i cant end it, i dont want to, i want to make it better, but i dont know what could make it better, or how.

just please... tell me

[TearsofFate]

Travel and meet new people. Get out of your rut. You sound like my brother. He talks like you do. =P

 

He's happiest when he's out exploring. I'm the same way. I get bored of EVERYTHING but appreciate things very much at the same time. I am the happiest when I'm risking my life doing some sort of terrifying sport, balancing on edges of rocks, seeing new things, helping animals, and sharing my awesome experiences with people who have my sense of humor, fun and need for adventure.

 

Make a weird list of things to do. Go see sharks, get a book published, try volunteering at a wildlife rescue or something. I do help save baby cheetahs, lions, koalas, and all sorts of things and it constantly keeps me entertained and makes me feel really good about myself.

 

Try taking boat lessons. Where I live people row boat in the early mornings in the harbour..and it looks so unique and relaxing. Do things that you normally wouldn't. Don't let other experiences pass you by. Especially if you are bored with life. There's so much to do.

 

Best wishes!

[TearsofFate]

Oh, forgot to say. Passion is one of the hardest things to find for so many. Without a passion you can feel miserable, lost, and wanting to fill a huge void.

 

Some people will search all their lives looking for a "passion". Some are born with passions straight off the bat. Some people (like me) are passionate but then loose it and replace it with another passion.

 

It's important that you start searching for yours. I can't stress enough the value in trying new things. You will learn things about yourself you had no idea you could do.

 

For example: This year I learned that as much as I love guitar I royally suck at it and always will suck. I am surprisingly good at the flute. I also learned that I am really good at talking to ducks for some reason. They fall asleep on me! I can expand my lungs over average even though I'm small so I don't get tired easily. I am obsessing over photography ever since I bought a cool camera. I once had a closet stack full of drawings that I drew in 15 years and now I never want to draw ever again. I tried clubbing and hated it. I tried scuba diving even though I have a fear of oceans and now I can't get enough of it.

 

 

Try stuff. =)

[Izakaya]

hm

you see, thats exactly what ive done

for like 5 years now, ive lived in all different places, like spain, usa, london, sweden, hong kong, now i live in japan, its really weird, but, im already tired of it

feels like there is nothing more alien than this so... now i really feel stuck

 

I have done extremely crazy stuff in my life, i could have easily died a couple of times due to doing stupid things, if i wasnt that lucky

 

I met so crazy people too, but i always end up dissapointed because they turn normal, or they die

 

I just wish i could appreciate stuff more, how can people be so happy over just getting a new gf etc.. i dont get it . it is just a gf, love is just a sickness, a psycological hickup. it will go away, all things pass

 

I feel like ive already done everything i wanna do.. I dont have any fantasies left. I just feel like flying away to.. a totaly another place, just, be a child again and see everything with curious eyes.. im just 23.. i shouldnt be feelnig like this already. i cant stand it

[Izakaya]

and... i really appreciate what you are saying though

but, i already think like that, its just... i cant seem to wrap my mind about what to do next anymore

 

i feel like im in a club at 3 in the morning and feel ready for the night, ready to go home and sleep, ready to end this day, and get ready for the next.

but, what is next??

 

are u suggesting i should do stuff i really dont wanna do? just to see?

i think im born to live a too exciting life, that never slows down

but, what would that be? like secret agent?

that just feels so far away, and im sure i would get tired of trying to get there too

 

i really wish i had faith too... seems like a really smooth way to just, feel meaning about stuff. but i just cant believe in those stuff so its hopeless

 

i really go all in once i find new stuff, because i wanna live, but i tire so fast of it

 

if i still feel like this in 5 years .. i dont know what i will do with myself

i seriously dont wanna end life, but to live like this is like not living... its really painful

[TearsofFate]

23 is young. I know what you mean though. Someone once told me "It doesn't matter where you are, it matters who you are. That's what will make you happy." It's pretty normal to feel like you are tired of life and have lived enough.

 

Heck, I bet even if you DID go to another planet, you'd eventually start to feel bored again. You need to find something deep in your heart. Try helping animals or people. Try making yourself useful to people less fortunate. The best way to cheer up sometimes is to put a smile on someone else face. It sounds like you are suffering depression. You've experienced many thrills but it's not enough.

 

Don't give up on people so quickly either. Like sure, you might not ever meet someone who can like transform into a wolf or something cool like that, but there are lots of really neat people on the planet. Just give them a chance =)

[Izakaya]

i know!

there are so many things i SHOULD do, i really do know that, im really trying my best, i think that is why people feel they bond with me.. but i just dont

ive been trying to tell people about ME the true me, but, i dont know, i feels in the end like i dont wanna do it

this place though, i can do it. its just like talking to ... someone, something, just, there come answers, sensible answers. but no awkwardness

 

I dont really feel depressed.. i feel frustrated. at myself for not being normal, why dont i care about stuff.

 

i wish i could go to a psycaitrist, just let him scan my brain, and immediately completely understand my feeling, give me a perfect solution, like 1 2 3 4

and then just be awesome again

 

im really scared about this.... its serious, like my friend back when i was still caring about stuff more, she seemed so happy, she was great, everyone loved her, and then she killed herself. she had just been lying about it all along... i dont plan on doing anything like that but who knows.. maybe she had always been like that? and just couldnt think of what to do anymore... I refuse to end up like that, so i willwork hard... i keep telling myself... just what will make things click....