should i tell him i still have feelings?

[Jessie00]

me and my ex have hung out as friends a couple of times and ive realized i still have feelings for him.

 

he has a gf, but i feel like there's still a spark between us which could be rekindled. the only thing is i dont feel it's right to let the spark grow while he has a girlfriend (i think she's a rebound ..they started dating like a week after we broke up, but its been 4 months now)

 

anywho, i kind of want to tell my ex the truth and that i still have feelings. does anyone have thoughts on this? should i tell him? or should i just keep hanging out with him? i want to keep hanging out because i love the time we spend together, but i just feel like if somehting were to be rekindled between us, i would have just "stolen" him from his gf, and i dont want to do that.

[AJEDrew7]

First of all, who broke up with who? If he's with another girl for 4 months than there must be a reason that he's been with the girl for that long. If she was truly just a rebound, 4 months seems a bit long. I am a little surprised that his current girlfriend allows him to spend time with you in the first place. To answer you question, I think you can let him know that you still have feelings, but if doesn't want to be with you that's it. Don't let hang on and let yourself be his "back burner" where if something goes wrong with his current girlfriend you're there for him to use. If he says no, you have to move on. I don't think hanging out with him is a good idea either way. You're keeping your hopes up, holding onto him while he's committed to someone else. At the same time, he's sort of playing you, using you for a release and something different and keeping you around. He probably knows you're still attached. Maybe he does still have feelings, but you should let him know and then he should have to decide. I doubt you really want to get hung up with someone who really doesn't want to be with you

[Jessie00]

he broke up with me.

his gf lives an hour away so i think its taken a while/longer to get to know each other since they only see each other a couple times a week.

 

and i don't know why she's okay with him and I hanging out. it's possible she doesn't know...

 

i want him back!!! i dont want to tell him because i know if i do that means i'll have to really let him go..

[AJEDrew7]

Letting him go will be hard if that's what has to happen...but you need to know that you could just be hurting yourself more by letting yourself get more and more re attached to him. There's an obvious reason why he left you. He may still think of you as a nice person and that its fun to hangout with you, I would just hate to know that you poured your heart into him again and he just let you down again. Letting him know you have feelings and letting him decide should let you know if you should start moving on. Don't delay the inevitable. It has to go one way or another, otherwise you'll just be dragged along as a friend with him dating this other girl

[Jessie00]

i think he felt judged a lot by me about decisions in his life and i feel like he thinks i will still judge him on those things, but i wouldn't. i realize now that the things he does (job wise, health wise..) are his choices and it's his life to live and i'm not his mother so i shouldnt be trying to tell him what to do.

 

his gf now is much younger, so obviously she's pretty carefree and probably isn't trying to help guide him in any way...

 

sooo im thinking the best way to go about this is to continue to be his friend and then show him how i've changed...

 

thoughts?

[Jessie00]

i think he felt judged a lot by me about decisions in his life and i feel like he thinks i will still judge him on those things, but i wouldn't. i realize now that the things he does (job wise, health wise..) are his choices and it's his life to live and i'm not his mother so i shouldnt be trying to tell him what to do.

 

his gf now is much younger, so obviously she's pretty carefree and probably isn't trying to help guide him in any way...

 

sooo im thinking the best way to go about this is to continue to be his friend and then show him how i've changed...

 

thoughts?

[AJEDrew7]

As his gf, I think you should care about what he's doing for himself health wise and job wise. If you're together, and you want the relationship to work for the long term, then he should know that you care about him and want the best for him down the road and that you do CARE. I think that's a very positive aspect a girlfriend or boyfriend should have (unless they're just in a sort of fling relationship where the relationship is just for fun, having someone to hangout with and go out with, as well as sex). Otherwise, I think you should care. You shouldn't judge on someone's past, but you should care about who they are now and where they're headed for the future.

[Jessie00]

no i agree, but i think we're still young enough (21) that he should be finding his own way in life, not having me try to guide him...

 

anywho, is being his friend and showing him how i've changed (wont bug him) a good way to get him to maybe reconsider breaking up with me?

are there signs i can look for from him that he's maybe already reconsidering?

[pumpkinmoon]

Read The Reverse Psychology of the Rebound Relationship thread.

[AJEDrew7]

I don't think you should be guiding him per-say but you certainly can be helping him along the way. It's hard for me to judge how your actions will resonate with him. By showing him you've changed, he could start to change his mind about you and want to get back with you. At the same time, he could be falling for this girl more and more and the grass could be greener with this new girl. So, there's a chance, but I couldn't tell you either way what would happen. Signs about reconsidering: Increase time spent with you, increased time talking to you (he calls IMs or texts you more), him being flirtatious when he's with you (although this could just be him trying to be a player). I think the first 2 are the most obvious. Watch his body language too. See if he's looking at you more. Steady eye contact etc. I just want to warn you to be careful and try not to hurt yourself more if you're going to be his friend. It could just lead to more hurt. I guess it could be a risk you're willing to take.

[Jessie00]

well what if he always responds to my contact and agrees to hang out? i would say i'm doing more of the initiating... I think im going to stop initiating and see what he does.

 

but if he agrees to hanging out and talking, is that just the same as if HE were the one initiating?

[AJEDrew7]

See, you initiating and him responding with a yes really doesn't say anything. I'd go ahead and stop initiating like you said and see if he puts the effort into seeing you. Then you'll know how much he values the time that you two spend together and you'll know more if being friends and showing him how you've changed will be worthwhile.

[Alcie]

If you were his girlfriend, how would you like him hanging (or keeping in contact) with his ex, because he sees her as a nice person (which you seem to be) yet she's trying to make a move on him...

 

If you two are meant to be and those feelings are mutual, you'll end up together again, but 4 months in a relationship with someone else seems quite a while for a rebound, let him go and don't put yourself through this uncertainty... If he wants to come back to you, he will.