How do you deal with mixed signals? Help!

[PuzzlingItOut]

Hi all,

 

My ex-fiance and I broke up right after Christmas this year. It was terrible and I have suffered a lot. I am not the same person anymore. I still think of him constantly - our relationship was so amazing. I've tried to make repair attempts but I haven't gotten anywhere with them. Depending on his mood - I get acceptance from him and warm and fuzzy feelings. If I make the slightest noise about wishing things were different, there are time when he just slaps it back into my face - that I and the one who called him or whatever (whether or not I did - ha, sometimes I get told this when he calls me!)

 

I think what is the most difficult is when I am strongest, lightest, most casual - he comes up with the puppy dog eyes and starts talking about missing me. What is up with this guy? Committment phobe? Just toying with me? I don't know. It eats at me when he does that and my feelings of missing him too will get to me and before you know it, I've called him (to get the perennial 'I don't know' and 'You called me' ).

 

We are currently in the 'he called me a couple of days ago (very nervous and sketchy sounding) to tell me that he had seen a movie trailer for a movie he thought I would enjoy and would like to see' mode. No invitation to actually go see the movie and he didn't want to stay on the phone at all. We had gone to lunch with each other a few days before that. The lunch was casual (except for his pointing out that the restaurant was playing 'our songs' and his declaration that he missed me with accompanying puppy dog eyes).

 

Honestly, if this guy were to show up on my door step and say 'I made a mistake - I want you back' - I would immediately grab him and try seriously to never stop kissing him. But do I believe it'll happen - no.

 

I've gotten caller-id and am seriously thinking that the only way for me to remain sane is to never answer his phone calls again. I don't know what else to do. I am afraid to date again. I don't want to feel this way again - ever. I mated with someone and then they are gone. It freaks me out that I could have let someone into my soul who can be so very far away from me emotionally.

 

I am sorry for rambling - but I need some backup. Never to speak to him again? What do you think? Or how do you keep your sanity with someone teasing you emotionally?

 

Thanks,

Puzzled beyond all reason

[Scout]

I am so sorry for the pain you must have suffered with, and I totally understand how much you still love him and miss him. This must be a very frustrating situation for you indeed. What were the reasons for the engagement being called off, and how long were you together?

[PuzzlingItOut]

Hi Scout,

 

Thank you so much for replying. We were together for 2 years and he had asked me to marry him in November. We had always talked about getting married and having kids (he initiated these conversations) - we really wanted the same things in life. But things got very strange - he started behaving horribly toward me - HORRIBLY. Demeaning, insulting, dismissive - you name it. I finally stood up for myself. That precipitated the break up. I just can't believe that a man who felt strongly enough to go out and spend a lot of money on a gorgeous ring would 2 months later feel that it wasn't worth trying to fix. He hasn't even tried.

 

He's been very immature and hurtful. He's blamed me for everything and has been very insulting regarding my family. I've tried to explain that he can't treat people like that and expect to retain any relationships. Recently, I asked if anyone in his life had confronted him with his making a huge mistake by ending our relationship - his answer was no. I pointed out that his temper would keep people from doing that - no one contradicts him, it's not worth losing an eye.

 

Part of me realizes that I can't be with someone like that. But there is another part of me that loves him dearly. I realize that none of us are perfect - we all need forgiveness and understanding and help. I thought he was just flawed enough and just loving enough for me. We were a fantastically matched couple. Both intelligent, professional, average-looking, strong willed, very attracted to each other - same sense of humor. I wish I could explain all of the reasons I loved him and all of the reasons it failed.

 

I don't know what to say - I don't know if I can give anyone a clear picture of the relationship or my feelings.

 

-P

[romantic sweetheart]

Hi there. I know so well what you are feeling, dearheart. I was with someone for two years--although I never was engaged to him, we did talk about marriage, and I was completely attached to him--we were like two peas in a pod. But for a story of reasons, we have each gone into our seprate worlds......He moved away six months ago, but now he is back in town. He will call me now and then, just like your ex-fiance, and remain casual and rather indifferent, but at those pivitol times when I am feeling stronger, he has come back with the accurately-described puppy dog eyes. This is a tough lot we are in. And you know what, it isn't fair. We have both wanted only to love, and love with all our might, but, as life would have it, we picked a person who is not able to receive all that we are and will be. By now, these guys should have some things together in regards to emotional maturity, but obviously they don't. Loving someone means being accountable, for the one you love and for yourself, and the sad fact is, our ex-significant others simply aren't.

 

What we must do now is remian strong and not go blithely along with their immature handlings of the break-up. Sweet, it's not us, it's them. They are responding us in the limited way they know how--and we are the ones hurting for it. So we are the ones who have to make the tough decisions, but also, we are the ones who will come out better for it.

 

When he calls, if it is too hard not to answer, just keep the conversation short and bland. The truth is, when a man wants you, he will pursue you at all cost. And if he doesn't, well, to hell with 'em. We deserve better. You gave your all, and one day, dearheart, there is going to be a true and right soul who will want it, and want it forever. Our ex's don't, and that reflects a deficiency on their part we cannot hope to change. Their actions got what they deserved---our departure from their lives. If their actions were right, we would still be there, and we wouldn't be hurting. Love wants to win, not crush down in defeat.

 

My dear, life is going to hold on to us. When we have healed, we will emerge victorious. Just hang on.......

[PuzzlingItOut]

oh sweetheart! You make me cry! It is too hard not to answer when he calls... although I hate to keep it bland because I don't want to crush whatever strength he may be trying to muster. Imagine how hard it must be to apologize for hurting someone like that. I think one of the reasons that he has such a hard time admitting he is wrong is because to do so would tear down the illusion that he is an unimpeachably wonderful guy.

 

Not too long ago, he managed to tell me that he'd gotten cold feet and that was the source of all the drama. It felt good to finally hear him take responsibility for wrecking a truly great love.

 

Sweetheart, thank you for comforting me. It really helps to know that someone out there really does know what it's like. And I would like to believe that someday love will come to stay, but I am so scared. I am not doing very well surviving this loss and I can't take it again. I can't willingly expose myself to the users and abusers in the world. I am afraid. It took all of my strength to stand up and declare my love for someone who was confused and hurtful - I thought I was doing the best thing for both of us - I didn't see how any relationship could work unless someone stuck out their necks. And then - I promptly got my head cut off. Ugh.

 

Thanks guys.

[romantic sweetheart]

You are right, ,dear. Love does require that we take the plunge, stick out our necks, risk all we have in the mysterious, ethereal ways love requires us to risk. I read a quote today...."hell is the only place outside of heaven that we can be safe from the dangers of love." We accepted the danger, and we were hurt. Our boyfriends ran away from the danger, and did the hurting. My dear, who learns the better lesson? We do.

 

I am scared to death, just like you. I am glad you have chosen that word because, quite frankly, it is terrifying to be where we are now, after giving so much and receving so much pain. But as so many people have been telling me, one person cannot serve as a template for the rest----maybe we have kept running into the hurtful ones, but we have never stopped trying our damndest to make a love that lasts. We have to hold on to that trust that someone is being lead to us this very second, someone who will quietly close the pain in our hearts, allowing it to drift away, a ghost leaving its favourite haunt for the last time.

 

Love is not this pain, sweet. Love is what will make us more of who we are than when we are by ourselves.

 

Your boyfriend has admitted his weakness. Now is the time for him to soul-search. And now is the time for you to gain the strength that you need to recover from the pain. You have a world of hurt inisde of you, but also, as evidenced from your words, a world of love, compassion, devotion, and fortitude. And these are at the core of a lasting, loving union. Such a union hasn't been given to us now, for reasons we cannot hope to understand fully, but it will. That I am sure of.....

 

And you know what? We have a lot to look forward to----because we are free to find what our soul longs for. And we will not settle for any less.......

[PuzzlingItOut]

Sweetheart, how long has it been for you? You sound like an angel - so unbelievably strong and serene. Tell me what happened to you, please?