How Can I Learn To Accept That I'm Not Right for Him? (Long..but in need of advice)

[Just Me85]

It's the most painful thing in the world, coming to that realisation that I'm just not THE girl for him How do you learn to cope with that? Without feeling ugly, lame, not good enough, boring etc...My self esteem is in tatters right now.

 

I know deep down I'm a good person, a really good person. I care about people and would literally climb mountains for the person I love to keep them happy. It's been six months and yeah I'm stupid. You have all warned me against this man in my past threads, he still doesn't want to be with me.

 

It's just so hard to understand how he can be so hot and cold. As soon as I get upset and start to pull away, that's when he chases me. He showers me with attention, and I can just tell he feels something for me. He will tell me I'm the most amazing girl he's ever met, and that he just wants me forever and thats the scary part..Then minutes later he takes it back and tells me to forget he ever said it.

 

He tells me he has "so much love for me" but can't have me. That twists the knife in my heart to be honest because of course he can. He just doesn't want me otherwise we would be together. He says its not my fault but he is "too smart" and "strong" to get into a relationship.

 

He talks about his first love a lot, and its so insensitive when he knows how I feel about him, it just reinforces the fact that I will never measure up. Last night I just had enough and I told him he should go be with her because he's obviously still in love and obsessed. He says he's not, and he's glad he isn't with her, that they were wrong together, but that no one will ever compare to his first love and that's just the way it is.

 

As soon as I get hurt and pull away, he follows. He says he doesn't fall for me because if we arent together I can never walk away from "us" because "us" doesn't exist to walk away from. Its really messed up. Then hours later after telling me that sort of thing, he says he only behaves certain ways around me and tortures me by saying it's because I'm special.

 

Truth is, if he loved me at all he would want to be with me? Or can some people just be so consumed with grief and fear that they shut down and can't love anymore? I didn't think you could choose not to love someone. If we could, then I would have chosen not to love him because clearly he doesn't love me.

 

But then he says he does. But then he goes cold. I walk away, he walks after me, tells me I'm special. Doesn't let me go.

 

I dont want to lose him, but did I ever have him in the first place? I cant control my emotions, he saw me cry for the first time in 10 years that Ive known him, Im always so brave normally

 

The only thing he's said to me thats ever made sense is that he once said

 

"ur so important, but I can only comfort you if im in perfect balance."

 

This is driving me crazy. Of course he isnt ready for someone like me! I'm happy being just friends, but its always in the back of my mind that one day he will be ready to love and it wont be with me, that someone will come along (the right person) and all his fears will suddenly vanish.

 

Im just so confused. How can I mean so little yet so much at the same time?

 

And how can I understand that its not my fault. I just feel like I'm not good enough

[bluberry]

firstly - you need to stop analysing what he's saying.

 

Today is day 11 of my break up and let me tell you what happened so you can get some perspective. I was in a very similar situation where the guy can't decide if he wants to be with me for 2 years! Hot and cold till i was fed up and dated somebody else. When taht somebody else and i broke up, he chased me back and we started an exclusive relationship. That was 4.5years ago. He just dumped me for the same reasons as before - he doesn't want to lead me on because he is not sure if i am the one.

 

Take it from me, i held out, and now i only got burnt and burnt bad.

 

Cut your losses. You need to be yourself and somebody one day will love you for you being yourself. because ultimately, what he feels has NOTHING to do with you. It's his own baggage and insecurities.

[muchacha_abril]

I'm sorry to tell you this but it seems to me like his taking advantage of your confusion. In short, manipulating you. He tells you you are not the girl for him but that you're 'special' and you, evidently in love, are hoping for the moment when he'll finally be ready to love you. I've been in a situation like this before and the only thing I can tell you is: DO NOT WASTE YOUR TIME. He either wants to be with you or he doesn't.

 

And don't be whimsical. Sure, you love this guy, but in the end you'll be twice as disappointed and hurt just because you stuck around when you should've left. It's a known war tactic to know when to retreat. He doesn't care about how you feel and the best thing you can do is to bring him down from that pedestal in which you've put him and look at him like a human being. Also, I think you need to work on your self-esteem and do stuff that does not include him. Go out with friends, go to concerts, go to poetry slams, go do something else and get him off your head.

 

I wish you the best. You're obviously not happy, so why are sticking around? Don't think one day he'll wake up and love you and don't think that being the patient, committed friend who appears every time he needs you will change him somehow. Take a break from all of this emotional roller coaster and find out what you really deserve.