my relationship drama

[bradley1977]

well i have been with my partner for 13 years this year in late november. we got together when she was 18 and me 20. everything was fine up until afew year ago when i lost my dad and after 6 months we decided to move to the country to be closer to her family, as living with my family wasn't an option (they drive me insane, but i love them we brought a house in mid 2008 and 2 months after we moved in, something wasnt right. she became distant and she just wasn't herself. i confronted her and asked her if there was anyone else, she said no. i slept in the middle room that night, because i didnt believe her and she needed some space. that day i called her at work, as afew people close to me mentioned that she was chatting to a mutual friend of ours alot on facebook and msn etc. i already had a feeling that something was up, because she was always mentioning his name and he had just moved to another state 2 months before i became aware of that something was a miss. i asked her is there was somebody else, she said i think so and i asked did i know him and she said yes and i said his name and she said yes.

 

she said nothing had happened and that she was confused etc. i rang this guy, as he classifies himself as a ladies man and he said nothing had happened. i went away that night and stayed with afew mates to calm down. she rang him to apologise and he said that he had feelings for her and she told him that she wanted to work on her relationship with me, as something wasn't right with her having feelings for him. she called and told me what he had said. she wanted me to come home so we could work on our relationship and she organised for us to see a marriage counselor the next day. after afew months of trying to work thru things, i would become insecure and have a brain fade. she was still looking at his facebook page and she still had feelings for him after 6 months and she didnt know what those feelings were.

 

i kicked her out and she and our son went and stayed with her parents for a week or so, i didnt want her back in the house or anywhere near me. i had to go into hospital for a knee reco and i was going to stay with her parents during my recovery and i wanted her to stay in the house with our 5 year old son to get him back into his routine. her mum had a talk to her and told her that we needed power on through and that we both needed to grow up and not let something like this distract or break us. her mum was speaking from experience.

 

i moved back, she moved into the middle room for 3 months and then after the 3 months she wanted to move back into the room with me. 19 months later, she hadn't had any contact with this guy and then out of the blue, she looks at his facebook page on her phone and she thought she accidently added him as a friend. she panicked she said, because she couldnt see if she added him as a friend or not. she decided to call him and tell him to refuse the friend requests and that she loved me and wanted to make us work more than anything. i had been away for 2 weeks and she was off for a week with her work and she was under alot of pressure and was stressed she said. i asked her over the phone if she looked at his facebook page of late and she said yes and i said why? because she wanted to know if it was his birthday and then she told me she spoke to him and that she felt terrible for betraying my trust.

 

in the last 19 months she hasnt told me she loves me at all and after her phone conversation with him, she said that she realises that she loves me and told me this. she said that she still has feelings for this guy, but there not like the feelings and love she has for me. she said that she wouldnt go and run off with him, as the feelings she has for him are more about friendship than anythig else. she said that i just need to trust and believe in her again and we both need to continue working at it and take it day by day. i texted the guy and i told him that she had told me that she had spoken to him. he sent me back a big response and he said that his feelings for her were more about friendship and that he doesnt see her as anymore than this. he misses his friendship with me more than anything he said and hopes in the future that we can be mates again, he understands that i need time and that i can trust him. i do believe him, she has been the one stalking him on facebook and he never pursued her what so ever.

 

we have alot of mutual mates and he tells them that he misses his frinedship with me and that he wants that in the future with me again. he is only 25 and very immature and he seems to have matured over the last 19 months or so.

 

i decided that i aint going to dwell over it no more. i have even deleted my facebook page and i am talking more to my partner now. she said that she wants to marry me and have more kids down the track and i still feel this way too. i need to stop building walls around me. when i feel insecure or like * * * * .

she said that she misses those little things that i use to do, cuddles, holding her hand, massages and just me being me before this storm happened.

 

it is going to be a long road ahead still. my problem is that when people hurt me, i just build that wall up and move on. this will continue to happen if i dont try to work through this with my partner now and what chance has any relationship have if i cant even attempt to rebuild this one.

 

i expected her to calll him one day. i didnt think she got her closure the last time she spoke to him in november 2008. it was all fresh when it happened and and alot has happened to both of us in the last 19 months.

 

sorry for the long story people, but i tried to make it as short and snappy as possible.

[surfNski]

I think you handled this pretty well man and I also think you have a right to have a wall built up. The person you trusted most broke that trust by letting herself get close with another man. However, it seems that she has been honest with you and is trully interested in working things out. I also think your friend owes you an apology for breaking your trust although your friendship with him will never be the same.

 

Good luck man, I think you are doing ok.

[TSandullo]

I guess I ought to give credit to your lady for committing to working on your relationship.

 

I do believe that the emotions she is experiencing with your mutual friend is primarily infatuation.

 

Being together for 13 years is an incredible amount of time considering current relationship standards and the added fact that you both linked at the tender aage of 18/20 and are still together is very admirable in my opinion.

 

And in your ex's case, being with someone and committing to you for 13 years since the age of 18 is something that can not be taken lightly. So cred to her for that.

 

If she has promised to commit and work on it, so be it. There is no hurry for her to profess words of love to you any time soon. The trust is also something that will be reestablished in time, provided the both of you are truly committed.

 

Regarding your friend, I do believe that you have to give plenty of time for the water to pass under the bridge before you can have a healthy friendly relationship again.

 

Wishing you all the best.

 

TS

[bradley1977]

surfnski - yeah we both are working hard at trying to make it work, but sometimes it does feel to hard and i want to walk away, but that would be the easy way out. in time i will forgive the other guy and i do now realise that i cant go hanging onto it or it will just eat me up. he has apologised to me and said afew things that have finally began to make sense, but we will never be close friends again.

 

TSandullo - infatuation is the best way of describing it for sure and i have this feeling that things will be alright.

 

i am glad that i had a good counselor and some very good mates to talk too over the last 19 or so months. this has made a huge difference to me keeping a level head and not acting out of fear. i think people just got to stay focused and look at the positives and continue on through the bad times and keep on communicating and doing those little things you use to do together when you were happy.

 

i feel that i am in a better place and i am becoming the confident and happy me that i was when we both fell in love those 12 1/2 year ago.