Broke up 3 weeks ago, in LDR, she is in rebound mode, I still love her, did I push too far?

[curteese]

Before I tell this story, I must be completely honest about everything, and this may be a long, complicated story.

 

My girlfriend and I were officially together around 8 months, and split about 4 weeks ago. We met while working abroad in June 2009, and worked together for 4 months, building a GREAT friendship and attraction. Once the job was over, we both returned to our home states. Right away we both realized how much we missed eachother, and started to build a long distance relationship. This was never intended, but we had alot of feelings wrapped up for eachother, and everything just felt right being together. We saw eachother once a month over the relationship for a week at a time, and it was amazing each time. We were truly in love. Since January we had been talking about our plans of getting a job together somewhere, and making everything serious.

 

Well, when it came down to it our job-hunting wasn't going very well, and by the end of May we didn't really have a plan still. All of a sudden within 24 hours she went from being the cute lovey girlfriend I always knew to "I need some space". I was confused and kept pushing her to figure out what was wrong, (big mistake). The second day of this change she went to hangout with some friends, and did something stupid when she was drunk..She made out with a guy, and almost did something really stupid, but stopped herself. The next day she wouldn't talk to me at all, and I instinctively knew she had done something stupid that night, because I knew she was out with friends, and she never called me all night. So, I questioned her to tell me, and she told me the story...

 

Well, I freaked out, acted immature, and we broke up. Infidelity just doesn't fly with me, especially with where our relationship was at. I acted depressed and questioned her over and over, asking "Why would you do this?" over and over. I pushed her away bit by bit over the last few weeks. She started talking to other guys and making it public through Facebook, and of course I got jealous and acted immature. We were on again at times, where she said she missed me so much and wanted to come see me and was so sorry. Then we would just fight again. It has been back and forth for this whole time, until the last few days it has finally ended.

 

Last week she started talking to some guy online that she didn't even know. This guy randomly added her on Facebook, and she started talking to him that same night, and eventually met up with him later that night...Since then they have hung out nearly every day for the last week. One night she went out with him, and admitted to kissing him intimately. So, I put a guilt trip on her for that, which I know was wrong. Afterwards, I sent her a long apology letter, and after reading it she called me balling her eyes out saying that we can never even be friends again because of how things have gone the last few weeks, and she was so upset with me. That next night she spent the night at his place, but claims they didn't have sex. We fought about this as well...She is already being cute with the guy on Twitter, saying she likes him and he is being cute back to her. The only reason I know all of this is because I snooped around way too much, even though I know I should just forget about it all. I put a guilt trip on her for all of it, which she then tells me the truth about everything. And we are long distance, so the internet has been a huge part of our relationship anyways, and she is using that against me now.

 

Anyways, I wish I would have gone NC right away and left in a more mature manner, but I lost control of my emotions, so here I am now. Left without her. I lost my best friend and love of my life. I pushed her away so far through this breakup, and I don't know if there is any coming back from it. The last time we spoke was Sunday, and we were fighting all day. We were fighting about her spending the night at this guy's place. I was making her feel guilty for it. But, I stopped texting her for a few hours, and left her with a "I'm sorry I lost control of my emotions. I know that you have no desire to talk to me, but if you ever do, I'll be here. Take care of yourself."

 

Since that text two days ago, I have not contacted her...My problem though is that I HAVE still looked at her Twitter. She is saying mushy things about the guy that she used to say about me, and it hurts. I realize now though that it's just a rebound, and it probably won't last...But, what if it does? I want to know everyone's HONEST take on this situation? Do I have a chance at getting her back after a period of NC? Or did I really mess this one up?

[iBroken]

So um - I read your post and I see that you are blaming this on yourself?

 

First of all, what she did with these other guys was wrong. And it has nothing to do with you. She sounds like a desperate floozy (no offence to you). She is throwing herself at the attention and has somehow twisted this around so that you feel the need to apologize for your behaviour?

 

She should be the one sending apologetic emails, begging for forgiveness. She clearly has no remorse or conscious.

 

Move on from this girl and save your sanity. Block her on all social sites.

[1guygirl]

if id had been in your shoes id have hit the roof!!!!

 

shes flirting and copping off with lots of diff guys - this is no way your fault for 'pushing her away'

 

yes you should go NC but in the way where you dont go back to her - if she can do this now, you have seriously dodged a bullet. i really feel for you going through this, and you must stop torturing yourself by looking at her twitter profile etc...

 

peeps who do this are not relationship material, and you would have been cheated on when things got tough or predictable later down the line

 

she is not worth the hurt or your heart x

[Interceptive]

I agree. It is not your fault, and I'm sorry that you feel so guilty about it. Have you re-read your post and noticed where this all really begins??

 

"All of a sudden within 24 hours she went from being the cute lovey girlfriend I always knew to "I need some space". I was confused and kept pushing her to figure out what was wrong, (big mistake). The second day of this change she went to hangout with some friends, and did something stupid when she was drunk..She made out with a guy, and almost did something really stupid, but stopped herself."

 

Right off the bat, you blame yourself for something that SHE did. Not you. Her. Read it. Again.

I'm sure pushing didn't help, but listen--you didn't do anything wrong. She was clearly already on her way out and had lost all respect for you by doing what she did. You have no reason to apologize to her, for she doesn't deserve your apology.

 

She is becoming a burden on your heart and health, I see. Don't do NC to try and "get her back," do NC because she is hurting you and you need a clean break. To be brutally honest, I don't think you should give her the damn time of day, let alone the delight of you still aching over her when clearly she isn't aching over you, hm? And remove the "did I mess this up?" thoughts out of your mind. You did NOTHING wrong.

 

Feel better

[curteese]

I have been blaming myself...I put her on a guilt trip for these things, and she tells me I'm hurting her by doing this, and puts the blame on me. Maybe you are all right and I need to get over this completely...

 

Thanks for the quick responses and support. I have alot of thinking to do. I have alot of friends that have been telling me to get over her and forget about her because she is a cheater at heart, but I have been in denial.

 

You are all right though...As much as it pains me to say this I need to be strong and forget about her altogether.

[LousySpy]

Curteese, I was recently put through something similar in a LDR. See my thread

 

Like everyone says, stop apologising for her behaviour. I did that, apologised for my reactions to her unacceptable behaviour, and I wished I hadn't. In fact, I did it many times during the relationship and I would now take it back each and everytime I did if I could. When we do that, we are immediately validating their selfish actions, appeasing their guilt and giving them permission to treat us like idiots. We are also disrespecting ourselves and they'll lose their respect for us. Not that their actions showed us that they had much, but hey. I also did the whole pushing her away thing for a few weeks of LC, as she kept initiating casual contact and it just fueled my anger towards her. I had a couple of outbursts over it and it just allowed her to turn the tables, project her guilt onto me and become the 'victim'. What's done is done now, though.

 

My advice is to not contact her at all for now. She's clearly a selfish, confused, insecure woman who seeks her own validation via. attention from others. At this moment in her life anyway. Would you really feel secure with that? By not being in contact with her, you'll give yourself chance to reflect on whether you even want her back. She'll also have chance to swim in her guilt for a bit and maybe become scared of what's she's lost in you. It'll also mean that by saying nothing, you can't say anything to push her away any further if you do end up ultimately deciding that you want her back. Before that, she needs to change and prove it to you, however, and change takes time.

 

Just let it lie for now, honestly. Resist any urges, sit on it and see how you feel in a few weeks at least. Look after yourself.

[curteese]

I failed and contacted her yesterday. I am ashamed to admit it. I told her how selfish she is being and told her that her jumping into something with another guy is extremely selfish. I shouldn't have said anything, but I have been so angry with her. I trusted this girl with my life and she was my best friend. Her reply was that she isn't doing anything with this guy and denies that she is even leading him on and they are "just friends". Then she goes on to say that she is just putting on a show and hiding her true feelings. Ugh. I am so stuck on her yet so hurt that it makes me sick to think of her even hanging with this guy. Hell she slept in his bed....I realllly am going to try NC for good now though because I am done being the doormat. I have nothing left to say to her anyways, and made a pretty clear final goodbye.