NC or not? - advice needed. New information!

[Kia-Kaha]

My ex broke up with me about 2 months ago after being together for 3 1/2 years. The last 2 months we have both struggled with the breakup, and have been in light contact.

 

I announced NC last weekend as I felt like I was always pushing her to discuss the issues and she wouldn't. NC only lasted 3 days before she emailed to check in.

 

We are NOT in the stage of reconciling but have discussed some of the problems that caused our breakup. I originally thought an issue was me being too clingy and smothering her, but she recently told me that she didn't feel that our lives were connected enough.

 

When we originally broke she told me that she didn't feel like she wanted to feel.

 

Now, if not being connected enough was the cause of the break, would you still recommend NC? Or very light contact to try and reignite the communication and connection?

 

We both agree that this would have to be fixed before either of us would be willing to try again. I still want to fix the problems with her because I truly love her, but also don't want to push her away.

 

Thoughts?

[iBroken]

I read your other thread. You thought you were being too clingy and needy, but she said it was over because she didnt love you as much as she thought.

 

NC her ass.....give her a taste of what life is like without you.

 

Otherwise, talk to her, accept her crumbs and be around when she moves on to someone else.

[darkblue]

To be brutally honest: "Not being connected enough" is pretty much standard relationship dictionary for "I'm not feeling the same way towards you".

 

I'd recommend NC.

 

Maybe in time you could contact her again to see if she's gained perspective. But it should be damage limitation from now on for your own sake and sanity.

[Kia-Kaha]

Thanks guys,

 

The hard part is that I think that she is seriously letting issues such as poor communication and frustrations cloud her judgement on us. She is letting things that we didn't communicate properly about make her decision for her, which really annoys me because I would like to talk these through and maybe move forward.

 

I have tried NC and within 4 days she was contacting me through calling, email and even turning up unannounced to where I was going to be. It is hard to ignore a contact when the person is standing in front of you crying.

 

I am so confused about this and am starting to become certain that she is just really confused about how she feels.

 

Maybe some more NC time may help give us both some space, time and clarity. I just don't want to lose my chance to fix the issues, and I do feel like we are starting to break down some of those communication walls we built around us.

[iBroken]

The reason she is letting those "issues" cloud her judgement is because she does not care for you as much as you care for her. You are in love with her and are of the mindframe that things can be fixed and worked on. She isnt on the same page as you so for her, its easier to just shut down and run.

 

FYI - my ex was guilty of this very same behaviour. When life happened, she ran. We have now broken up for the 4th and final time. Thats it, thats all. 13 days out, I can look back and say, I loved her a hell of a lot more then she ever loved me. And it got me no where. Left with a broken heart and a string of insecurities.

 

Take the space to go NC. Been where you are. You will always question whether or not she is here or there.......its no good and apparently, Im coming to learn, healthy relationships ACTUALLY exist out there LOL

[Kia-Kaha]

iBroken:

You say this is your 4th breakup with your ex? Was it always the same thing that kept rearing back up that caused the breakups?

 

How did you deal with the other breakups? Did you go NC for a while and slowly she returned or did you try and work through things in limited contact?

 

This is really hard to hear, but I do know you are right. It is hard for me because for me to truly move on, I would have to go back to my home (moved out here for her) and then that would completely shut the door on any possibility of ever seeing each other again, let alone reconciling.

 

This woman is the love of my life, the woman that I want to marry and have children with and so leaving now is a terrible thought for me, especially if there is even the most remote chance of this working.

[iBroken]

When we split all the other times, I would try to contact her (but we lived together each time so there were always things to discuss). She wouldnt talk about us at all. These issues always came up after a life event happened. So us moving in together, then us buying a house, then her mother dying.....like I said, when life happened, she ran.

 

She usually came around when I stopped caring....after she let the dust settle and realized what mess she made and that I was never the villain she painted me out to be.

 

Im in NC now. She hasnt even tried to contact me.....but I guess thats easier then crumbs

[Kia-Kaha]

I am very sorry that you are hurting. This must be hard for you.

 

I appreciate you sharing your story with me, and apologise if I dragged up stuff you weren't ready to think about yet.

 

Maybe I am just being delusional, but I actually have thought a lot about whether she loves me or not and her actions speak so loudly.

 

The last few times we have seen each other, she has even smelt my hair while we were hugging and passionately kissed me goodbye. Maybe I am mean, but the girls I have broken up with before because I just "didn't feel it" I never saw again, let alone kissed.

 

Ok, NC time to even just get my head back on straight.

[Puckdog27]

It seems you too don't even understand why you're breakin up. You're on 2 separate pages...before you "NC her ass"......whatever....why don't you ask her to sit down and get on the same page. Just say, "from what your telling me we're not seeing this split the same way, can we talk through and get on common ground?"

 

Or NC her ass.......

[Kia-Kaha]

Hey Puckdog,

 

I have been trying to get on the same page as her for a while, I honestly think that she is very confused right now as I seem to be getting kinda conflicting messages (like I didn't have enough of a life outside of "us" vs. our lives weren't connected enough).

 

That is why I have been debating NC, just to try and get down to the actual cause and see if it is fixable. I might try and NC her and when she calls (I know she will), I will ask her your question.

 

I like the way you worded it too. It seems to avoid the "blame game" which I hate and isn't loaded with emotional words. THANKS!

[Puckdog27]

If you decide to go no contact, and she contacts you, how will you will respond? Will you truly stay no vontact or will you answer. What if you stick to your no contact guns and she gives up? Do you want that?

 

I haven't got the sense you are being strung along yet, careful what you wish for

[Kia-Kaha]

If you decide to go no contact, and she contacts you, how will you will respond? Will you truly stay no vontact or will you answer. What if you stick to your no contact guns and she gives up? Do you want that?

 

To be completely honest, I don't think I could completely ignore any attempts of contact. I would only be able to do that if I hated her, and I am nowhere near that yet.

 

I know from previous experience that if I don't reply, she will just keep calling until she gets me. She also calls late in the night, when she knows I will be home. So it is very hard to stick to the NC guns. I guess I have been kinda more doing NIC.

 

I haven't got the sense you are being strung along yet, careful what you wish for

 

I don't want to go NC, I just am not sure if I have very many other options at this point. NC is actually the exact opposite of what I think would help in this case, I think we actually need to talk about the underlying issues and fix them if we are to move forward with any reconciliation etc.

[Puckdog27]

To be completely honest, I don't think I could completely ignore any attempts of contact. I would only be able to do that if I hated her, and I am nowhere near that yet.

 

I know from previous experience that if I don't reply, she will just keep calling until she gets me. She also calls late in the night, when she knows I will be home. So it is very hard to stick to the NC guns. I guess I have been kinda more doing NIC.

 

 

 

I don't want to go NC, I just am not sure if I have very many other options at this point. NC is actually the exact opposite of what I think would help in this case, I think we actually need to talk about the underlying issues and fix them if we are to move forward with any reconciliation etc.

 

I can't think of any impasse that was settled by not communicating

[Kia-Kaha]

You are a man after my own heart. I want nothing more than to spend the time talking with her about this, but she is finding that she is shutting down emotionally when I try. I think this is why people are suggesting NC, to allow her to come to me when/if she is ever ready.

 

I think I am blurting out too much though and so it is a little too intense to cope with for her. If she heads back and wants to discuss, I will try and dial it back a lot. I just feel like every opportunity she allows me to have to discuss us, I get overexcited and want to talk about everything!

 

Maybe just a day or two of breathing space to get my head straight would be good though.

[Kia-Kaha]

Although I do get that NC would make sure that I do not get hurt any further.

 

I feel like either way I am hurting myself and her. I need to find a way that doesn't end with us both crying and feeling hurt. I just don't know what that way is yet.

[Kia-Kaha]

so after a night of sleeping on it, I am still very confused as to how to progress forward with this.

 

Anyone got any advice which may help me?

 

If the problem was that we were not connected enough, won't NC further compound that issue?

 

But I find it hard to just talk about nothing much with her as I am worried that she is trying to move on from me.

 

Help!!! I need some clarity.

[mrshuma]

Hi Kia-Kaha,

 

From following your story, it seems that every-time you 2 break NC it's a step backwards. I don't feel you are giving it enough time for both of you to clear your minds. I know she keeps calling and breaking the NC but if you really wanted to avoid her you could. She knows you love her, want to marry her, want to have kids with her, she knows all of this. You keep hurting yourself by trying to force her to talk about the issues. In my situation, I went 22 days NC and made a big mistake breaking it because her mindset was still as though it was DAY 1 of the breakup. Even after almost a month she couldn't even speak about the relationship. I know our situations are different but since your girl is the dumper its going to take her longer to process everything.

[mrshuma]

Also if she is trying to move on from you there is nothing you can say or do to stop that. She may be continuing to break NC simply to know that you will be there for her as a friend to make it easier for her to move on. You need to give her the space, if you were making a bit of progress discussing the issues then you could keep open LC but each time you do it pushes you further apart.

[Kia-Kaha]

Thanks Shuma,

 

I do feel that every time we discuss the issues, we do move a little bit forward, but then it also seems to open up some new issue too (that may even contradict the old one!!!)

 

I guess some time apart would be good. It's a shame we had to break NC for this thing that happened, I felt like we were starting to get somewhere and had just started discussing what we needed to.