I have an idea... Please tell me if you think it's good!

[Wicked_One]

Okay, so the other day I posted about my boyfriend of five years wanting a break from the relationship because he's very depressed and can't sort out his head. So he said he couldn't deal with a relationship as well. We're not broken-up, it still says on Facebook that we're in a relationship [i'm not going to change it without talking to him first, don't want to do anything that could possibly hurt him (He's sensitive)]

 

Anyway,

I've been paying attention to his facebook posts and at first they were the same as months before we broke up (when the depression started) but now they're a bit lighter. I know he's on meds for his depression and has been for a couple weeks so I'm assuming they are helping. Also, his youngest brother texted me the other day to see how I was doing, when I asked how the family was he told me my BF was doing a lot better and suggested that I text him again soon.

 

Now, my idea;

It's been one week and I haven't tried to contact him in any way. I was thinking of waiting till the end of this month (that'll put it at 3 weeks) and keep checking how he's doing via facebook. If he seems better I was going to call and suggest us going out for coffee (not to talk about the relationship but just to catch up) and if he didn't seem better I was going to text him and ask how he's been doing.

When he told me he needed the break he assured me he still loved me and I told him that I was just a call away but he isn't the type to reach out for help, I know if something was bugging him I'd have to contact him to figure out what it is.

And I found out from a mutual friend that he doesn't want to 'bug me with all this' and that he's sick of taking on everyone else's problems, it's just too much right now. So he wanted the break to sort out his head, as well as not bring me down with all this.

 

Anyway, do you think my idea of contacting him after 3 weeks is a good idea? I won't bring up the relationship until I know there is some solid ground under us and he's ready to talk about it but I don't want him to forget about me (as much as I know you'll all say he won't) and I really want to at least build a friendship with him if we can't be together.

Please just tell me if you think it's a good plan or if I'm waiting too long/not long enough.

Thanks

[FootofGod]

As long as you are completely prepared for rejection, because it is a very real possibility. If you think that you can come to terms with that, judging by your position and the presence of depression, I would say give it a try...

 

 

...but stop looking at his facebook. In fact, you should just go facebook AWOL for a little while - until close to the 3 week mark. Remember, it's entirely possible that he comes to the conclusion that the relationship was what was making him so depressed or something along those lines. You can only do this if you're really feeling like you're ready to let go if he says "no."

[irishjig]

I think leaving it until the end of the month is a good idea, he may well contact you before this if he is ready.

I can understand your hurt and confusion, I went through something similar. He was depressed and needed a break but I didn't deal with it the way I should have (NC), and now I'm in a worse position.

So stay strong and as my mother says, 'what's meant to be won't pass you by'.

[MalibuOne]

You sound pretty level-headed. As long as you are wary of being friend-zoned or worse yet, turned into a surrogate therapist, I don't see why you couldn't check in with him. And again, I agree with Foot - stay away from his Facebook. If you end up having to move on, you could be slowing your process down by checking it all the time.

[Wicked_One]

Thanks for all your help and advice.

I understand why you say to stop checking his facebook but I'm worried about him, I would be even if we weren't dating, and it's the best way I have to see how he's doing.

Also, to MalibuOne - I'd rather be his 'therapist' and friend than completely lose him, he's a great guy and not having him in my life at all would be more painful than not having him as a boyfriend.

And to FootofGod - We talked about his depression quite a bit, he was depressed before and put on meds but now some past issues have resurfaced and it's 'doing his head in' as he puts it. Also, the meds he was on, the pharmacy was changing the dose without telling him so it threw everything out of whack, I doubt he'll think our relationship was any cause. But thank you for all your advice.

[FootofGod]

I know you'd rather be his therapist than completely lose him, but you're not his therapist and because you're such an intricate part of his personal life, you couldn't be. There is a very serious reason why therapists cannot have personal contact with their subjects. You can still be kind to him, you can still let him know you want the best for him, but you cannot be his therapist and trying will only make your entanglement more painful, likely for both of you.

[Wicked_One]

I know you'd rather be his therapist than completely lose him, but you're not his therapist and because you're such an intricate part of his personal life, you couldn't be. There is a very serious reason why therapists cannot have personal contact with their subjects. You can still be kind to him, you can still let him know you want the best for him, but you cannot be his therapist and trying will only make your entanglement more painful, likely for both of you.

 

I know that, and I know it would be painful to even have him as just a friend at the moment, but down the line (if things don't work out) I want to be able to have a friendship with him and if he needs to vent about something then I'll of course be there to listen, but not necessarily offer advice unless he asks for it and I can give it.

Also, he is going for professional therapy soon, so hopefully I won't have to be put in that position. But as I said before, I'd rather be his friend than be nothing to him at all.