Someone please help! I'm going crazy and wish I'd never looked!

[tate]

Hi, I am at the moment having a huge panic attack, I feel like my hearts about to jump out my chest! I know I shouldn't have, but i went into my boyfriends facebook messages, and have now found a load of messages to and from one of his exes! He tells her he's "sooooo pleased she contacted him after he had searched for her for ages on myspace and facebook" he said that he "thinks of her often, maybe too much" says that his "mother still says that letting her go was the biggest mistake he has ever made" and the worst bit! He said he "has to agree with her"!!!! He told her he was "jealous of the guy that captured her heart" how "great she looked in her photo(not suprisingly)"and he signed it "love always".

 

She spoke of some intimate moments they had and how good they were for eachother even though they had some bad times....

the last message was only a few months ago, but they had swapped email addresses in that message, so I now think they are talking through hotmail.

At the time he wrote all this to this woman, we had already been together for a year and 4 months!

I don't know what to do, I want to confront him, but in doing so, I will have to tell him that I betrayed his trust hugely! But what about the fact he has been sending these messages and betraying my trust for months!

I am very insecure, andwe always talk about our relationship, he always says that I am perfect for him, that he adores me, and that he doesn't want anyone else and is looking forward to our future........how do I know this isn't all lies?????????????

[Cognitive_Canine]

Hello and welcome to ENA.

 

I'm so sorry this happened to you. You seem to be sad. But I would be angered.

 

This is not appropriate and completely disrespectful of you. I don't exactly condone snooping but I'm sure you felt like something was going on far before you looked.

 

I would just straight up confront him. Admit that you snooped and that you found something completely disrespectful and over the line.

 

But, in the end, do you want to be with a person who could do this to you? You've been dating for a fairly long time. I don't think he's going to become loyal to you if he hasn't already.

[botticelli]

You may have betrayed his trust by looking, but he has been cheating on you (emotionally!) throughout your entire relationship! That is sick and you deserve someone better.. someone who thinks only of you in that loving way. I would leave this guy and move on because there is no going back from what he has done to you. That's my opinion, at least. Good luck, tate, deep breath and hang in there!

[digger11]

wow... well I have snooped before and found something similar... I thought 'this is what I get for snooping" but it still doesn't make it ok for him to lie to you. maybe ask him about his ex, if he is in contact, etc. If he lies and says there hasn't been any, then I would call him out on it. If he is honest about the contact then he will most likely be honest overall.

 

biggest problem with snooping... is yes it's wrong, but his lying is even worse. don't let him make the convo about your snooping. you might say 'i snooped and I know it's wrong, however had I never snooped I wouldn't have found this."

 

or just dump him...

[tate]

Oh my god, you just made me burst into tears cognitive canine! I have been struggling with how to feel about this for the last couple of hours! Torn between guilt that I looked and hurt and heartbroken! I am so very sad, because after a load of crappy relationships I thought this was the one, and he had told me so many times that my insecurity was unfounded!

I had felt that a girl had messaged him, a different girl! but I had no idea I would stumble upon all of this!

I'm scared to confront him, incase he feels like the breach of trust is too much, and i'm sure he will feel that is the worst thing that has happened here!

He has physically cheated on me, as far as I know, and all of thsi contact with this ex could just be over the internet. I would love to try and forget that I have seen it, but I don't think I can. Maybe if I left it a while? But then I think it's just going to eat me up. I already knew I wasn't good enough for him, and now I have found out that he has basically never stopped loving his ex, which really does make me second best.

I am sorry to keep going over it, but I have no one else to talk to.

x

[tate]

Botticelli- I know what you are saying, but it's so hard, and I know he will be so angry at me for snooping through his messages. What if he leaves me because of that? I don't want to lose him, I know I should think that he has betrayed me, but I just feel hurt, not angry.

x

[lana111]

snooping is wrong, but you probably snooped bc you had reason to. i have never done such a thing but thats bc no guy has made me feel like i needed to. this guy obviously makes you feel insecure. what a horibble feeling!

 

BUT, confront him. what he is saying is messed up. you deserve someone all about you and only you!

[tate]

Digger11- I think this ex is one I asked him about before, he said they didn't talk and that she hated him because he wouldn't stay with her because she couldn't have kids. so what now? He lied about that.......he may have been lying throughout the whole of our relationship. We were supposed to be moving in together later this year and starting a family!

[Cognitive_Canine]

I'm sorry. I didn't want to make you cry. Try and breathe and calm down. You are not in trouble here. I really don't believe that you did anything wrong.

 

I find your post really alarming for a few reasons. It seems that you have gone through a line of really unhealthy relationships with men. You have low self esteem and no wonder! You act as if you were the one who has cheated! But, you shouldn't feel this way at all.

 

It him who isn't good enough for you! What kind of man does this? Scum, that's the kind of man that goes behind his girlfriend of nearly a year and a half to pine for an ex. That's the kind of person that sneaks around on the internet and snakishly types facebook messages at night about 'love'. He knows nothing about love!

 

Let her have him. I'm sure she's just such a wonderful person. Let the two of them have their drama filled, fantasy. You know what will happen? They'll be miserable! People like that don't live in the real world.

 

You need to be single for a while because, from what I read, you've let some really bad men make you feel bad about yourself. And, you're believing it. But, you are putting in too much effort on men just not worth your time.

 

Unfortunately, no one can really fight for you here except for you. You have to grow some claws and start defending yourself from bad men. Then you can actually work on finding the good ones.

 

I hope you feel better.

[Sanesoul]

Sweetie, you need to stop this kind of thinking right now. You are BETTER than this, and him.

 

Do you really want to spend your life with this man, knowing that he still loves "the one that got away"?

[tate]

lana111-

Is what he is saying to her really bad? I feel like it is, but I'm so caught up in all of this that i don't know anymore! is he saying he wants her back? I feel like its awful and would never say all that stuff to someone if I was in a relationship, and I know (or thought I knew) that it would destroy him if he found that on my facebook. I am so confused!

I think you are all right, but its so hard when you're the one actually in the relationship!

[botticelli]

Botticelli- I know what you are saying, but it's so hard, and I know he will be so angry at me for snooping through his messages. What if he leaves me because of that? I don't want to lose him, I know I should think that he has betrayed me, but I just feel hurt, not angry.

x

 

He has already betrayed you tate.. how can he look at you and tell you he loves you and then go behind your back and tell a girl that it was a mistake to leave her? YOU don't deserve that tate! You deserve better! He's an inconsiderate liar to do that to you behind your back! You're the one who should leave him, you shouldn't put up with this.

 

I really liked the advice that digger11 gave about asking him if he has contacted his ex and seeing if he lies or not.

[diamond78]

Botticelli- I know what you are saying, but it's so hard, and I know he will be so angry at me for snooping through his messages. What if he leaves me because of that? I don't want to lose him, I know I should think that he has betrayed me, but I just feel hurt, not angry.

x

 

You are settling because you want to be with a guy who has made it clear that he would rather be with his ex, but he can't for the simple fact that she has someone else.

 

You are second best in his eyes...That is not a good place to be within a relationship. It also means he is 'settling' with you.

 

Don't do this to yourself...If he lets you go, then call it a blessing in disguise. In fact you should be the one letting him go.

 

The truth of the matter is you probably won't ever really truly be able to let what you found go. And if you're insecure now, those insecurities will continue to worsen after reading something like that.

 

Think about all of this for awhile, especially after you have calmed down. Maybe talk to some close and trusted friends to get some feedback and then proceed further.

 

Also, one of the most disturbing things about what he wrote is that he has been searching for her for so long....so it's clear he wants her badly. I really do think you really need to reconsider this relationship. It does not have a good base foundation due to his emotional hangups over his ex.

 

I know this has got to be a shock to your system, but I know you can get through this. Be strong!

[maaatt]

I really wouldn't be ashamed of snooping if you found something shady. Your felt something was up and your suspicions were correct. Would you rather be in the dark about what he was doing to just be hurt later on? But I'm pretty lax when it comes to privacy. When I'm in a relationship I let my SO know all my passwords and look through my phone if they want. I don't see the big deal since I don't have anything to hide.

 

Anyways, back to your bf. He is emotionally cheating on you. Do you know how he would react if the tables were turned and you were talking to one of your ex's behind your bf's back? And I'm always wary of people that can't let go of the past like your bf.

 

You can discuss it with him if you want but I would cut ties. It would be hard for me to get over something like that.

[lana111]

lana111-

Is what he is saying to her really bad? I feel like it is, but I'm so caught up in all of this that i don't know anymore! is he saying he wants her back? I feel like its awful and would never say all that stuff to someone if I was in a relationship, and I know (or thought I knew) that it would destroy him if he found that on my facebook. I am so confused!

I think you are all right, but its so hard when you're the one actually in the relationship!

 

its not the worst thing a guy could do... but does that matter? why waste your time on a guy who makes you suspicious?!

[tate]

Canine-I'm sorry I didn't mean to make you feel bad, you made me cry because I have been stopping myself as I thought I was completely in the wrong, and the fact you told me i was allowed to be upset I spose I just let it out.

I don't know if I can break up with him, you see, this past year and this relationship with him has just got me out of a 7 year bout of depression. I have come off my tablets, and starting all sorts of classes to get back to work and socialising again. So you see, this relationship kind of symbolises my sanity and well being aswell. It has all been thanks to this guy I'm with......

[Sanesoul]

Think about this. What you found is probably only a very small piece of the puzzle. There's usually a lot more to the story. I wouldn't be in the least bit surprised if there were more girls or he got even more intimate with this ex in particular.

 

He thinks it's ok to send these messages while in a relationship. It makes me wonder what else he is getting away with.

[Cognitive_Canine]

Think about this. What you found is probably only a very small piece of the puzzle. There's usually a lot more to the story. I wouldn't be in the least bit surprised if there were more girls or he got even more intimate with this ex in particular.

 

He thinks it's ok to send these messages while in a relationship. It makes me wonder what else he is getting away with.

 

If you find one rat there are most likely more....

[Cognitive_Canine]

Canine-I'm sorry I didn't mean to make you feel bad, you made me cry because I have been stopping myself as I thought I was completely in the wrong, and the fact you told me i was allowed to be upset I spose I just let it out.

I don't know if I can break up with him, you see, this past year and this relationship with him has just got me out of a 7 year bout of depression. I have come off my tablets, and starting all sorts of classes to get back to work and socialising again. So you see, this relationship kind of symbolises my sanity and well being aswell. It has all been thanks to this guy I'm with......

 

If it were me, I'd dump him in a heart beat. And, I wouldn't feel bad. Not even a wince.

 

I believe you are becoming Codependent on him. I feel that he is more a source of depression than a help for it. You should deal with your depression issues outside of him because he is doing you no favours.

[fLuiD]

I would say something like:

 

"I think it is best you and I go our separate ways to sort out our feelings. If we are truly committed to each other, we will survive whatever time we are apart."

 

If he asks why, you tell him that he should know, and if he doesn't, then it is up to him to figure it out.

[tate]

Thankyou so much for all of your advice. My best friend is in malaysia on a year long trip and when I text her to ask for her advice, she told me to forget I had seen it, that past is past. I can't talk to anyone else about it. I don't feel strong enough to carry on. I really felt that this was the one, and that I didn't have to keep fighting anymore.

[metrogirl]

Canine-I'm sorry I didn't mean to make you feel bad, you made me cry because I have been stopping myself as I thought I was completely in the wrong, and the fact you told me i was allowed to be upset I spose I just let it out.

I don't know if I can break up with him, you see, this past year and this relationship with him has just got me out of a 7 year bout of depression. I have come off my tablets, and starting all sorts of classes to get back to work and socialising again. So you see, this relationship kind of symbolises my sanity and well being aswell. It has all been thanks to this guy I'm with......

 

and what he is doing can very well send you spiraling back into a depressive state.

[Sanesoul]

Thankyou so much for all of your advice. My best friend is in malaysia on a year long trip and when I text her to ask for her advice, she told me to forget I had seen it, that past is past. I can't talk to anyone else about it. I don't feel strong enough to carry on. I really felt that this was the one, and that I didn't have to keep fighting anymore.

 

I'd say keep it in the past if this happened BEFORE you got together. What he did was disrespectful to your relationship, and is therefore a valid concern.

[botticelli]

Oh tate im so sorry

and it just gets more and more creepy.. my bf is also depressive and i helped him get out of his depression which makes me even more wary of leaving him.. but it's just so much pressure for 1 person..

 

well back on topic.. it's not healthy for you to base your happiness off of one person. You need to find other things that can make you happy, and another people that you can talk to. I truly hope you find that happiness, my prayers will be with you

[Cognitive_Canine]

Thankyou so much for all of your advice. My best friend is in malaysia on a year long trip and when I text her to ask for her advice, she told me to forget I had seen it, that past is past. I can't talk to anyone else about it. I don't feel strong enough to carry on. I really felt that this was the one, and that I didn't have to keep fighting anymore.

 

It's not the past. It's the present. It's going on right now and you don't deserve this one bit!