Emotions & Feelings :: My Story

[mnblueblaze]

Hi,

 

I stumbled upon this forum almost accidentally and found this forum a nice place to release one's pent-up emotions. While remaining anonymous, I am penning down my story...hope I wont bore you...I don't really expect any answers but would be nice if you at least read my post.

 

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I am a 27 year old man of Asian origin but currently living in the UK. Physically I am a fit person and never ever had any drug/alcohol abuse problems in the past. I have a strange problem of not being able to build up any romantic emotions inside me. I am a cent person hetero-sexual man, but strangely my interests in women never lasts for more than a couple of mins, after than usually I think of her as trash and say "what the hell" to devote my time to something else. In fact I hate the whole female race and treat them as trash. But I wasn't always like this, lemme tell you my story.

 

I am the only child of my parents and grew up in a relatively comfortable lifestyle. As far as I remember it was a cheerful childhood but I was introvert as a kid. My parents used to place high emphasis on education and I studied in one of the top schools of the city I used to live in. Well, I wasn't very bright but didn't do bad either. My grades were within top 15% of the class but my academics was constantly affected by me being introvert.

 

Throughout my school days I had multiple female friends but nothing ever happened in school beyond the usual fun kids have upon discovery that they are slowly becoming mature. I didn't have any relationships in school but something happened in standard 7 (age-15) which was beyond I have expected. I met a girl almost my age at my grand-dad's farmhouse; she was a simple village girl who used to work at the farmhouse. One thing led to other and one day we ended up having sex. Well, it was an awkward sex but none of us knew what we were doing at that age! I didn't love her, it was a just one time sex and both of us had agreed there is no future of developing any relationship.

 

I haven't told any of my family; I don't know, but she must have told someone within my family...but no one had ever spoken about me in this regard. This girl vanished after a couple of years, I heard that she left for some other city. I continued my school as normal but something terrible happened with me.

 

I failed standard 11 (Age 19) and had to change high school. Nothing was normal after this point. I lost my friends, all the time was depressed, lost faith in religion and suddenly started gaining weight. I saw porn first at this stage and unfortunately continued this addiction till date.

 

Yeah, I did clear my high school but with very poor marks. My dad paid good sum of money and I gained admission in a good Uni to do Engineering. Something strange happened to me at the Uni. I became extremely self centred and cared about just one thing -- academics. Throughout my undergrad I didn't have a single girlfriend but graduated with very good grades. I also became a religious person at this stage.

 

I got a job offer from a very good global consulting company. I was very happy with the offer but I was not happy with the salary, environment and kind of people I work with. Two years I spent at the company taught me a lot but at last was happy to leave them.

 

Three months before leaving (age 25) I got acquainted through my family and liked her. My family was inclined me marrying her and they started corresponding her family (this happens in Asian culture). She said 'yes' to my proposal and I was happy...after a long time. But things didn't go as I had planned. Her father suddenly opposed our marriage for a reason which is still unclear to me. The girl also sided with her parents and didn't contact me since then. This was a shock to me and it took some time for me to get over her.

 

I left my work and left to do post graduation in business management from a business school. The business school is very reputed and I believe I will have a good career in future (God willing). But now that I am almost at the verge of graduating I discovered that I have lost my emotions completely. I never feel an urge to have a relationship, spend time with a girl or raise a family. I am cent percent heterosexual but strangely even see one night stand as a risk of a female playing with my emotions (whatever is left). Whenever I feel restless, I watch (straight) porn and jerk off and continue my life as it is. This habit doesn't help me rather lessens my self-confidence. Unfortunately I cant break free from this habit

 

But I don't like to live like this. Recently, I watched the film 'Up in the air' and frankly I am scared. The truth is I need a woman to share my time and grow old with. I am young (27), fit, good looking & well-off but can't love anybody so in turn makes me unlovable too. I don't want to die old & alone but unfortunately don't see any alternative. I am struggling to be normal but I think its a lost battle. God help me.

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Thanks for reading my post...it feels lighter now!

 

Ciao!

 

Nes

[BalloonShop]

I'm not sure I will be much help considering I am in my early teen years, but I just wanted to share this:

 

You want to a relationship, that's all you need. You can get past this, whether you think so or not, you have self confidence! You say you are "fit, good looking & well-off"

 

I think that with your past experiences you hinder yourself from having anything with a women to prevent you from getting hurt again. But I hate to say it, it's a part of life. You just have to learn to let go of the past and move on.

 

Unfortunately, I have a plethora of stuff I want to say, but right now I am having a hard time putting it into words.. All I can say is you are not alone, you can get past this, and as far as I can tell you are perfectly normal. It's easier said than done, but just let go of your worries and throw yourself out there! Good Luck!