what do i do?? what should i say??

[hellohello1]

Ok, so im sure many of you have read my story, but if not here is a summary:

 

my boyfriend of 2.5 years broke up with me on tuesday, claiming he did not know what he wants, he has doubts, hes confused, feels like he has "cold feet". i have trust issues and can be jealous adn controlling and i thikn he is tired of that. when he broke up with me he said he still loves me but he needs time away to think and he needs to see if he will really miss me. wednesday i called him a few times, telling him that i didnt want to be controlling and wanted to change it, and he said he felt better, but still said he was confused. thursday and friday there is no contact (very difficult). he has had facebook statuses saying he is confused and perplexed. yesterday he initiates contact via facebook chat but we basically talk about work and school. i quickly ended the convo and we had not talked since.

 

 

i have felt in limbo and didnt feel like i could move on without really talking about our relationship. so just an hour ago i called him and we talked. i was very calm and did not get needy or whiny. he told me all he has been doing is homework and video games and computer, and he has been bored..he said he never realized how many hours there are to fill up a day, he is used to seeing me after school or work. he did not say he missed me though. i asked him if he wanted to come go to the park with me and my dog and maybe talk about things. he said he is feeling sick and has to do homework as he has an assignment due tomorrow. i said ok well is there another time within the next few days we can meet and talk about things. he said tomorrow he is free. i work tomorrow so i said ok well how about we meet tomorrow and talk about things. he said ok. i asked if he had told his parents about us breaking up and he said no, i asked him dont u think theyre gonna realize, he said maybe but i dunno. he seems like he is still confused. then he is like i have to go, text me tonight about what time you wanna meet tomororw and we will figure out a location.

 

 

and i let him go. i texted him just 10 min ago asking if he would want to meet at 4:00. he has not yet texted me back. i think i m going to tell him everythign i have been thinking and that i dont want to be clingy or controlling an dthat he can have his freedom and go hang out wtih his friends without getting grief for it. im just scared hes still going to say he is unsure. how can i act to get the best possible answer from him? what do i say if he is still unsure?

 

i think it is good he is willing to talk about things..i have a suspicion he might be confused. i feel that we need to have a talk so i can know whether i really need to let him go..i dont feel i can accept letting him go unless we have a talk. i feel like telling him what i want in a relationship, and what im not going to do, and that he will never know what it is like to be with me like that unless he gives me a chance, and that we can take it slow. if he gives me the chance and is still unsure then he can break up with me. ughh, what do i do?

[woodc5]

I read your other post, and I think you should avoid the "If you get back together with me, I won't do xyz" approach. Instead, if you do meet with him, apologize for the way you've acted and acknowledge that you need to improve on the things you've mentioned. If he's still confused and wants time, don't beg. Give him what he wants. If you pressure him into a relationship it can come back to bite you.

[hellohello1]

i think i should begin by talking about the improvements i want to make, and how i want to be in a relationship. i should tell him that i want him to have his freedom and i want him to have his own life, and i want to be just a part of it. i want to explain what i have been thinking about and how our relationship will be different. then i think i should say, if you are confused, how about you give me a chance to show you how it will be different, and that if he still is confused or doesnt want to be with me after a while of trying then that is fine. we should take it slow, i dont want the relatinoshpi we had, i want a new beginning, and forget the past. i want to say i realize the way i was being was not healthy and i realize that is not the person i am or want to be. he had recently wanted to go to vegas with his friends in july and i said i didnt want him to and stuff..i think i should bring that up and say i realize i was being stupid and i am okay with you to go to vegas, i think you would have fun, and i trust you. i think if he still says he is confused i should say ok, well i understand youre confused, but giving me an opportunity may relaly help you figure out what you want. you will never know unless you give me this opportunity to show you how a relationship with me not being liek that is like. if he says i cant give you that chance i think i will have to say ok im sorry, but i have to move on then. and if he says im not sure if i can give you that chance, i think i should say ok well how about you think about it over the next day, and then we will talk about it tomorrow night and if you are still are unsure i will have to let go.

[hellohello1]

ok, so im sure many of u have read my story. my boyfriend of 2.5 years broke up with me because he says he has doubts and is unsure of things and needs time away to miss me and is confused (i can be controlling and jealous and he doesnt like that)..so anyway the next day we talk but he is still confused. thursday and friday we dont talk at all. saturday he contacts me but just asks about whats up and stuff. sunday night i called him asking him if we could meet to talk. so today we met.

 

i went to his house adn we just had a bit of fun first, playing video games and laughing and stuff. then he made us lunch, and then we went to his room to talk. i started by saying how i dont want to be controlling and stuff anymore, and that im not going to be jealous. i said i have shown you that i havent this past week, and i am not going to be needy or clingy. the entire conversation i did not shed a tear. he kept saying ok but just so u know i am not ready to get back together with you. i said that is not waht im asking for, im asking for the opportunity to take things slow, we dont have to be in a serious relationship, but i want to give us a chance by having some tiem away from each other but going on dates and being open to falling for each other. then he told me that on thursday after being talked to his friend he asked a girl from class for her number. he then told me that he went out for coffee with her on saturday. he said he didnt feel guilty, and that he didnt do anything with her or put his arm around her. he said he was thinking about me, but he was mostly very scared i was going to walk in (i went out for coffee that night but to another place).

 

i asked if he liked her, he said he didnt know, she was nice but quiet. i asked if she was good looking, he said yes, but it wasnt like the way he feels about me. he said he is not sure if he wants to be with me, he is so confused, doesnt know what he wants. i said ok well i think it is time for me to move on. he said ok i think you should too. so we hugged and i said ok i am leaving. he held the door open for me. then i said i just want you to know i think youre making a huge mistake. you are letting your stubborness and pride get in the way. you are not being open to anything. you have your mind so dead set on something. one day you will realize you have made a huge mistake and that it will be too late.

 

so he sat back down and started crying. i said you will never know what it is like to be wiht me not being clingy and stuff unless you try. i promise i will not be like that. he was geting really emotional. he was looking at the necklace he gave me when he first asked me out, and he said i think there is a way i can figure out if this is what i want. i said ok what? (thinking he would want to go on dates with more people). he asked me if he could hold onto the necklace he gave me and he would put it on his nightstand and he would maybe even wear it (its a chain) and he would think bout things. i said ok, fine, but there will need to be a timeline, because i am not going to be waiting around forever, and i will move on. he siad ok, he gave me the necklace i made for him ( a hemp one, that he really really cherishes) and said you take this and it will make me miss it and think bout you. i said ok there needs to be a timeline, and we agreed that on thursday he would decide on whether he wants to give us a chance and take things slow and work on things, or whether we should move on. we hugged and he said dont kiss me or tell me you love me, just because i am not saying it doesnt mean i dont mean it, i just really need to think. i said ok and he wantd me to leave so i left.

 

and that was that..it really hurts to know that he went out for coffee with some girl from his class, and it hurts to know he didnt say he didnt like her. i didnt react how i normally would have though, i was very calm and did not cry or anything the entire time. what do you guys think? this is very very difficult and will be difficult until thursday. i do feel a little better though that i feel that if he does say no that it will begin the process of accepting the end of our relationship. it really kills, because i want to be with him so bad. should i not contact him until then? what do you guys think about him going for tea with another girl?? please respond i just really need support and someone to talk to about this with.

[confused2010]

Don't contact him until thurs.

[hellohello1]

what do you think about him asking some girl for her number and then going out for coffee with her? i am not mad about it, i dont have a right to be as we are broken up, but it really does hurt bad.

[FootofGod]

Overall, very good. It's tough and we don't have a handbook and no matter how many times we rehearse it, it never quite comes out the way we expect. I'll give you a quick breakdown from my perspective:

 

The Good

*You kept your cool, which by itself is essential, but considering your jealous nature is like a +2 for points.

*You just laid back and had a good time before you talked

*He seems very much like he wants you back. Even taking the necklace, while not a guarantee, is a strong side

*you reminded him you're not just waiting around

 

The Bad

*You criticized him, told him he was being foolish, etc. All that may be PERFECTLY TRUE, but it's important to not cast blame. If you agree to reconcile and get back together, there will be plenty of conversations about it later, where you both can figure out who was how foolish.

*The presence of the other girl. This really puts it as a throw-up and it definitely doesn't feel good.

 

The Ugly

*If he decides it's a no go, coming this close and failing is going to hurt a lot more. Be ready! Hold on to your hope, but don't count on him coming back! Hope for the best, prepare for the worst!

 

I'd say the situation is pretty good and you're close. At least it's at its final stand. I mean, you can pretty much disregard anything but begging and pleading to come back after this if it doesn't work.

 

And yeah, definitely no contact until thursday.

[hellohello1]

thanks, i appreciate teh input. i feel as though i was in limbo before, and on thursday i may get my heartbroken, but at least i will know it really is over.i dont wanna get my hopes up, but its all i can think about. it hurts about that other girl. i told him i appreciated his honesty. he said he had never spoken to her before that class. i said that the next 3 days you need to think about things and not see this girl. he said ok but i am scared he will. if this other girl is actually in the picture, then i will need to move on of course. it hurts though. im not sure whether he was just doing it because he is confused, or if he actually has feelings for her. he said they didnt talk about anything personal at coffee, just school and stuff..it hurts..

[hellohello1]

this is going to sound stupid. but the reason he actually said he would think about things and make a decision is because i kept bringing up that is pride and stubborness were getting in the way, and he is not being open to anything. which he admitted was true. would it be not good if i put the quote on facebook "in general, pride is at the bottom of all mistakes" or "it is better to lose your pride wtih someone you love rather than to lose that someone you love with your useless pride"..should i just not do them? i want him to realize that he will never know how things will beunless he gives it a try..

[confused2010]

You're not going to want to hear this but I think we are just in about the same senerio, except it's been about 6 months for me. I did sorta what you did, asked why he was being so judgemental and not wanting to give us a chance. And personally, I'm thinking now that it only made things worse. What you're really doing right now is an ultimatum. And it's not that long till thursday, so I really don't think it's really enough time for him to think it through. Everytime my ex would tell me a "date" for him to decide it auld always be the same answer. I think the key here, unfortunately is time.

[hellohello1]

yeah, maybe. but at least it will make me realize that i need to move on. i feel i have been in limbo since last tuesday as he told me he loves me but he is confused and that there would be a high possibility we would get back together. i did not want it to come accross like an ultimatum, but perhaps it did. maybe my hopes are too high..i feel terrible now, lol