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Where do you find the strength to confront?


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The thread title says it all. I have like no strength to confront those with whom I am feeling conflicted. I have trouble with this in most of my relationships with people. I'm getting a little better at it and I would like to know how I can get better at confronting people in a kind way of course. Any tips would be great. Thanks.

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It would be good to cultivate assertiveness. This does not mean being confrntational.


Demonstrating assertiveness means there's no question where you stand, no matter the topic. Cognitively, to be assertive implies a lack of anxious thoughts in light of stress. Behaviorally, assertiveness is all about asking for what you want in a manner that respects others. Assertive people don't shy away from defending their points of view or goals, or from trying to influence others. In terms of affect, assertiveness means reacting to positive and negative emotions without aggression or resorting to passivity.


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I think this is something that you need to practice at before you start feeling more comfortable. I am also uncomfortable with confrontation, but I've had to push myself to do it because it feels better than letting problems simmer or turn into resentment.


I think the key aspects to a successful confrontation are-


- pick an appropriate time and place- choose a time when you are both calm, not distracted, and can talk in private.


- speak to the person face to face. It really helps to see body language and facial expressions in a situation like this- its difficult to have this during a phone call or email


- speak calmly


- clearly describe the behaviors the person did that are bothering you, then describe the effect these have on you. Do not make any critical comments about the other person - just focus on their actions.


- give them a chance to respond and truly listen to what they have to say


- be willing to have an honest dialogue and identify what the misunderstandings are on both sides - its easy to make assumptions about why someone is doing something, but I've found that those assumptions aren't always correct


- propose solutions for how the problem can be avoided in the future


- tell the person that you appreciate the chance to discuss this with them



Not all confrontations will be successful- a lot depends on what the issue is (a specific problem vs. a chronic problem), and the person who is being confronted - some people are extremely defensive and not able to take in any type of criticism, no matter how calmly and non-blaming it is stated to them.

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