Talking To Girls At Bars?

[Binoo]

So, my boyfriend and I went out to a bar last night for some drinks.

I know he gets along better with women than with men. He has more female friends.

But I found it kind of weird that while we were there he was trying to make conversation with random girls.

He goes to bars without me on a regular basis and soon he's travelling soon for a few weeks. I don't know if I feel all that comfortable with this.

 

As a girlfriend would you feel okay with this or would it seem akward standing around while your boyfriend is having a conversation with a girl at the bar?

 

And as a boyfriend would you consider this appropriate behaviour or should I be worried about this?

[IphigeniaSaysHi]

In what context was he talking to these girls? Was it friendly, did he introduce you and involve you in the conversation?

[Binoo]

In what context was he talking to these girls? Was it friendly, did he introduce you and involve you in the conversation?

 

Sometimes he'll introduce me if he speaks with them for more than a minute. He doesn't involve me in conversation though and to be honest I make no effort to say anything because I feel so akward about it.

I'm sure most of this worrying is caused by my own insecurities and unfortunately I feel it's to the point where I can't judge properly whether I'm justified in being upset or if I'm just overreacting. I just don't really know exactly what's going on between the two of us. Not sure how seriously he's taking the relationship. It's very possible for me to feel secure because I have in the past but I'm really unsure about this one.

[IphigeniaSaysHi]

It is understandable, I know I would probably feel just like you do if I went out with my boyfriend and he was going up to girls to make conversation. I suppose it is best not to rush to judgment or think anything of it, but it would help to communicate your thoughts to him about the relationship.

 

Have you talked about how serious the relationship is?

[hexaemeron]

Would you feel the same if he were talking to random guys at the bar?

[Binoo]

It is understandable, I know I would probably feel just like you do if I went out with my boyfriend and he was going up to girls to make conversation. I suppose it is best not to rush to judgment or think anything of it, but it would help to communicate your thoughts to him about the relationship.

 

Have you talked about how serious the relationship is?

 

No, I haven't. He did say I was his first serious girlfriend. And we are living together. I just don't really feel secure. There's just something kind of off about everything. Not in a negative way but I don't really know how to describe it. I guess I would like it if he would compliment me more. Can't remember the last time he said I looked nice or anything like that. Little things like that make a lot of difference to me.

I just worry that if I bring all this up it'll scare him off a bit. I don't want him to think I'm expecting a wedding anytime soon or that I'm trying to keep him tied down in any way or I'm expecting him to compliment me everytime he sees me. I'm not good with words...

[Binoo]

Would you feel the same if he were talking to random guys at the bar?

 

I would be annoyed yes, if he did the same thing with a guy and I'm left to stand around akwardly. But in truth I would still rather he be chatting with another guy at a bar than with a girl.

[IphigeniaSaysHi]

No, I haven't. He did say I was his first serious girlfriend. And we are living together. I just don't really feel secure. There's just something kind of off about everything. Not in a negative way but I don't really know how to describe it. I guess I would like it if he would compliment me more. Can't remember the last time he said I looked nice or anything like that. Little things like that make a lot of difference to me.

I just worry that if I bring all this up it'll scare him off a bit. I don't want him to think I'm expecting a wedding anytime soon or that I'm trying to keep him tied down in any way or I'm expecting him to compliment me everytime he sees me. I'm not good with words...

 

Well I do agree, when you don't feel secure it can spook people and create a bit of drama when you bring it up because the emotions are strong. If he says you are a serious girlfriend to him, I would believe it.

 

What you could do, in terms of the complimenting, is compliment him!

Maybe he will pick up the hint that you would like a more expressive relationship.

[Binoo]

Well I do agree, when you don't feel secure it can spook people and create a bit of drama when you bring it up because the emotions are strong. If he says you are a serious girlfriend to him, I would believe it.

 

What you could do, in terms of the complimenting, is compliment him!

Maybe he will pick up the hint that you would like a more expressive relationship.

 

Suppose I could

I did compliment him last night. The closest I've gotten the past couple of months is little nitpicky things. Certainly not abusive in any way but he'll point out my faults etc. that my feet are weird, I grind my teeth in my sleep, my hair gets knots sometimes, etc.

It's not really a big deal but I'd rather hear something nice than those kinds of things.

I just hate the idea of being this "perfect woman". I feel like I need to uphold this dainty, lady-like act all day long. It's difficult when you're together pretty much 24-7. I guess I'm feeling insecure in this relationship mostly because the more he points out these little things about me, the less attractive I feel. I worry that he'll one day not find me attractive at all and that's why he's speaking with other women. Maybe he's becoming bored of me. I'm also the longest relationship he's ever had and it's only been about 8 months. He's in his late 20s so sometimes I also wonder if he's the kind of person who could be in a long term relationship.

[IphigeniaSaysHi]

I don't think it is right for him to be calling on your faults like that, especially since they are not seriously affecting him in any way. That just seems a bit rude, like he might not fully have his heart invested in you, so I see how you would be concerned. It is a little bit abusive.

 

You should never feel like your best isn't good enough for the person who supposedly loves you.

[Binoo]

I don't think it is right for him to be calling on your faults like that, especially since they are not seriously affecting him in any way. That just seems a bit rude, like he might not fully have his heart invested in you, so I see how you would be concerned. It is a little bit abusive.

 

You should never feel like your best isn't good enough for the person who supposedly loves you.

 

 

Ya.

I think in the emotions department I'm a bit high-maintanence. One of my ex boyfriends always made me feel well. I know that if we were out at a bar and he did it, somehow it wouldn't feel the same. I wouldn't feel so akward and insecure. I just need a lot more compliments and a lot less nitpicking.

It's not that he's not a good boyfriend. He is but I think we just need a bit of work as far as compliments and that sort of thing go. I know over time we'll not be as flirtatious with each other but I think when you walk into a bar or any other place for that matter, your partner should feel like the most important person in the room.

[IphigeniaSaysHi]

Obviously, one cannot rely on a partner to give them confidence or self-worth, so you should really make a priority of feeling more secure on your own. It is hard but a worthy venture, no matter the outcome. If he nitpicks then, it won't matter as much, as long as you feel he is overall respectful to you.

 

Maybe ask him what he thinks of that belief (your last sentence there). Tell him you think that and ask if he agrees.

[Binoo]

Obviously, one cannot rely on a partner to give them confidence or self-worth, so you should really make a priority of feeling more secure on your own. It is hard but a worthy venture, no matter the outcome. If he nitpicks then, it won't matter as much, as long as you feel he is overall respectful to you.

 

Maybe ask him what he thinks of that belief (your last sentence there). Tell him you think that and ask if he agrees.

 

 

I think I say that because to me, I'm fine being on my own, infact I think overall I tend to have a lot more confidence when I'm single and when I get into a relationship it's a major threat to my self esteem. For some reason when I get into a relationship I put a lot of trust in the person I'm with so their opinions are worth a lot to me. I'm also a perfectionist. And when I hear something negative I feel like I've failed as a partner. I think also because my last relationship was extremely abusive emotionally I have a lot of left over anxiety from it.

I'll try to find a good time to ask him his opinion on these kinds of things.

[geekgirl4]

I have to say, my primary problem is at his nit picking on your "faults" is really dumb and pointless. Those "faults" are not faults at all and don't hurt him in anyway. Your SO should love you for all your weird little quirks and "faults". The only time he is justified in bringing up faults is if it is hurting him (you kicking like all hell in your sleep, leaving dirty laundry out, etc). While your response to the fault picking might have been enhanced by your desire to be perfect, I think it's more on him for picking on you for these rather lame "faults".

 

But back to the original issue- talking to girls at bars. I think it's fine but it depends on what sort of conversation he has with her and his body language. He might lean close because its loud in the bar and he can't hear her but does he go overboard and get toooo close? Does his eyes wander to her chest when they talk. Observe him more before determining whether this behavior is harmful. Also, do your best in being active in the conversations. If the 3 of you are chatting and he starts to push you out of the conversation and focus more on the girl, then you have a problem.