Guilt is making me feel down...

[Eclipse11]

Hi everyone...

 

I feel like the guilt I feel over my ex-boyfriend is making me feel like I can't move on...

I'm looking good, going to the gym every day, meeting new people...I should feel really happy, but I don't, I spent all last night crying, thinking about his last words to me..."maybe someone will come along and break your f****** heart one day"...

 

I didn't even do anything really...I didn't cheat or treat him badly...but throughout our relationship I stayed too long with him, I should have left at the beginning...he resented me because he felt as if he loved me more than I loved him ( because of this he also sometimes treated me horribly other times he was sweet, wish he had just been horrible all the time ) and it's true though I still loved him...

 

After one year I did leave because I felt as if it would be cruel to stay with him wanting more than I did...I know it was actually the kindest thing to do...

 

But every day I still feel bad...we have gone into no contact on a bad note, after saying what he said above, he sent two more nicer texts which I ignored, I didn't know what else I could do, I had tried being nice, it hadn't worked, it seemed to make everything worse...

 

I just want to move on and feel like I'm not carrying this burden...

 

I should feel delighted right now, we never went anywhere, I hated spending Sunday afternoons at his mum's house watching deal or no deal, made me feel about fifty years old, just wasn't me, I was miserable, he also acted as if I was worth nothing sometimes and I thought it was all my fault for not loving him enough...maybe this guilty feeling will fade, sure hoping so...part of it is, we've gone no contact so now I don't know how he is...been feeling guilty for one year now...

 

Please can anybody help me feel better or something...thanks so much

Eclipse x

[stupidgal]

i know exactly how u feel...its crazy though..bcause you never know.. he might have moved on just like u wanted him to treat u badly so u wouldnt feel guilty he can actually move on by thinking u was a b**** and he deserves someone better...its not fair when u still like them and acted that way for whatever immature reason though. But u shouldnt worry too much i'l bet hes moved on and its hard getting in contact when ur intention is not to be with them it just openes up old wounds... im i that dilemma right now dont wanna be with him and i sent a message on fb asking what hes been upto as its been along time...hope he doesnt take it the wrong way and it will be funny if he does not reply the tables sure do turn...but i dont want him as my 1st choice..

[Eclipse11]

Aw thank you stupidgal...just reading that made me feel better, that you know how I'm feeling because you're there...

That's what I thought, if he thinks I'm horrible, it might actually help him to move on...

I will probably send a message like you some time...but big hugs really appreciate you posting stupidgal! Thanks Eclipse x

[savignon]

What's the guilt that you feel? Guilty for what? It sounds like you feel relieved, happier, brighter, lighter....

I didn't see where the guilt was. His last words to you were not "Maybe someone will break your f-*** heart"...it was the nicer texts he sent later. Either way, people say hurtful things when they're hurting and it would be great for you if you could just chaulk it up to that.

[Eclipse11]

I do feel happier and lighter but I feel guilty for feeling that way...I wish I didn't but it wont' go away...yet - I was wondering if it is natural for a "dumper" to feel like this...

And he did send two nice texts afterwards and I could not respond to them or I would be leading him on and that made me feel guilty too! He said in the second text he'd love to see me and I couldn't reply because I'd already stayed in touch and it seemed to make everything worse...

Just feeling like I must be a mean person, I should have loved him more...I know it's irrational...Eclipse x

[savignon]

Instead of relating your feelings to this guy, relate them to yourself. Ask yourself "why does feeling good make me feel guilty? What do I believe about what I deserve?"

Does that make sense? I think there's something there for you to examine that has nothing to do with him.

[Eclipse11]

It makes perfect sense, thanks Savignon...

I'm seeing a therapist at the moment, I'll think about this...I am feeling happier, lighter and brighter but some part of me does seem to feel guilty and sad about feeling good, I know that sounds strange but you are quite right Savignon, thanks!...Eclipse x

[britomart]

Eclipse11:

 

It's time for both of you to move on. I've followed your other threads, and while he has no excuse for the things he did, you are also prolonging the break-up. By your own words, you should have left much earlier - even now you are still attached.

 

Imho, a dumper might feel guilty, but showing it to the dumpee is a terrible thing to do. I was dumped twice, and both my exes reeked strongly of guilt in their words and actions. Don't. The dumpee has their own pain to deal with - they don't need the dumpers'. For me, the guilt from my exes felt like while they knew they hurt someone a great deal, they wanted to make themselves feel better by expressing to me how much they hurt, and how much they still cared. They wanted to have their cake and eat it too.

 

With my last ex, guilt turned easily into anger. Annoyance at my neediness turned into anger at my supposed indifference. It was a terrible way to end a break-up, and it was precisely because WE dragged it out.

 

You hated end contact on a bad note. I can understand, because my ex did the same to me (which he had no right to, but w/e). Sometimes parting on peaceful terms is not possible though.

[Eclipse11]

Thanks Britomart...well at least I've finally done it now, I don't think it would have been possible to part on good terms...and yeah I am still attached

It was dragged out for an extremely long time and it is indeed time for us to both move on I guess...I'm glad to read your post and know that you've been there too...it confirms to me that it was wrong to drag things out and at least I'm not dragging everything out any longer...this is the right thing for him, he also hated people feeling sorry for him, he said it made him cringe, so it probably would make him angry, me saying how sorry and bad I felt...

"It's time for both of you to move on".........you're right, Britomart, thanks so much for your advice Eclipse x

[britomart]

I think he wouldn't want to hear that either. Just don't flip-flop. Since you've decided on the no contact route, stick to it.

 

My ex was ultimately a selfish person. Everything he said to me after break-up was a result of validating his feelings primarily, including his apologies for being mean, he still cared, etc etc. He apologies were so self-centered - he was stressed so he took it out on me...he sincerely missed talking to me. All about himself. He had a way of twisting things around to make himself seem the victim.

 

Hmm...I suppose many people are immature in their emotions in that they say what they feel at the moment. So it seems like he is doing that...best thing is not to respond to it.

 

I care for him still, and you might also. But everyone needs to be held accountable for their actions, including ourselves.

[Eclipse11]

Thanks Britomart...glad to hear you have no regrets

Turns out the no contact may have been, in fact, was, the best thing for me to do I think...apparently yesterday he came up on my sis's facebook page and wrote that he still felt sad about us but it was getting better...that made me feel a bit better, I appreciate you taking the time to write thanks! Eclipse x