Getting them to bite

[peanutbutterandjelly]

So, it's been 6 months after a pretty bad break up and recently I started to get myself out there again. I'm very introverted and pretty shy, so it's taken a lot out of me to do ths, but I am trying the best that I can.

 

I've gone out with 2 guys so far. The first guy was a jerk and basically told me that I was too fat for him to my face (that was a fun one, feel free to read my old posts if you want to know the whole story). I met another guy and we got together twice, once just us and once in a group setting. A few days after our last date he told me, "i havn't forgotten about you, i'm just busy". That was 2 weeks ago. About a week ago I emailed him and asked him what he was up to and he never wrote back, so I'm assuming that he's just not interested anymore.

 

These two guys I met online. The first one, I messaged first. And the second messaged me first. Since then, I've gotten more confidence and have been trying to meet guys in real life.

 

In the past 3 weeks I have talked to more guys than in the past 3 years! I have gone to a class, a party, a picnic, etc etc and have tried to be as friendly as possible. Ive introduced myself to a ton of guys, dressed nicely, smiled, tried to hold conversations, etc etc, but none of them have asked to get together. I exchanged facebook/emails/numbers with 10 guys. I have 10 new guy friends on facebook, but no one has contacted me or asked me out or anything like that. After meeting them, I add them on facebook, and I message/email them the next day. I say something along the lines of "It was nice meeting you yesterday. (Randomly mention something that we talked about). Hope to see you again soon!"

 

About half of them have returned the message and basically said it was nice meeting me, but none have gone further than that. I dont know what the issue is, or what I'm doing wrong. I am a bit overweight and about 20lbs more than I was when I met my last boyfriend. I dont think I'm coming on too strong or anything, just being friendly and trying to leave it up to them to ask me out... Also, I've been talking to ALL kinds of guys, fat guys, skinny guys, older, younger, short, tall etc. And NONE have bitten... I feel like I must be doing something wrong.

[Shallow]

It sounds like you're doing quite a few things right, so don't be discouraged.

 

Were you particularly attracted to any of these guys or were they just run-of-the-mill encounters?

[peanutbutterandjelly]

It sounds like you're doing quite a few things right, so don't be discouraged.

 

Were you particularly attracted to any of these guys or were they just run-of-the-mill encounters?

 

I'd say there were about 2 or 3 that I was very attracted to, a few that I was somewhat attracted to and 1 or 2 that I wasn't physically attracted to, but still added them/messaged them because they seemed like nice guys.

 

One thing I noticed is that I really didnt have any long one on one conversations. A lot of them were in a group setting and we'd talk for a few minutes, sometiems other people would join in on the conversation. I didnt sit and talk with any of them for like 20 minutes exclusively or anything like that... but thats kind of hard to do at a class/picnic/party/etc.. maybe that could be part of the issue?

[Shallow]

I asked because you didn't really mention it in the original post, and usually those types of stories will include "there was this one guy/gal . . ."

 

The lack of this gave me the impression that you weren't really interested in any of these guys in that sort of way, and were just being friendly/making conversation. There's certainly nothing wrong with that. Quite the contrary.

 

However, perhaps your issue is along those same lines . . . you were only sending signals of "pleasant indifference" towards the ones you were admittedly very attracted to . . . the same signals you were sending towards the ones you were not. Your admission that you messaged them all later on sort of reinforces this as well.

 

Of course, I'm not saying you should be cold to those you aren't interested in. Those are the ones you should treat with said pleasant indifference. However, you may just need to give a little extra attention to those you fancy. Be subtle, don't throw yourself at them, but during the course of conversation just take opportunities to be "flirty", as it were.

[Pnt8rshs]

I REALLY don't want to sound mean, but the biggest complaint I've heard from men is that they meet girls online and they are heavier than they thought they were going to be. I've read your posts and while I don't think you should have to change for any man, it does sound like you are concerned (yourself) about your weight and how you look.

 

I was in a long term relationship and once I ended it, I had gained 15lbs. Thats sometimes how it goes. You get comfortable and all of a sudden, half a pizza doesn't matter. After all, he ate half a pizza too. Problem is: He was 6'3" and I was 5'8".

 

Long story short, I took some time and got in shape and went on a diet. I called it my break up diet. I went full throttle into losing weight (read the book BECK DIET SOLUTION) and started going to the gym 4 times a week.

 

NOT saying you should/have to follow in my foot steps, but the reality is: you sound totally nice, totally great, etc. and like you are doing all of the right stuff. But, guy friends I know that are on link removed ---- well, that is their biggest complaint.

[peanutbutterandjelly]

That makes sense, thanks.

 

I guess I have been trying not to judge anyone just based on initial physical attraction or just a few minute of conversation. I wasn't just adding people or emailing people just for the sake of it. I added/messaged them because I wanted to get to know them better and would be willing to at least go out on a date with them. I was interested in getting to know all of the men that I exchanged info with in some way and didn't do it just to be friendly. There were other guys that I just chatted with but didn't exchange info with.

 

Of course, some I was more interested than others, so maybe I should try to focus more of my time on less guys next time. Maybe I just spread myself out too thin. I'm not sure.

[peanutbutterandjelly]

Well, all the guys that I exchanged info with I met in person at parties and events, not through online dating. The guy that told me I was fat to my face saw a recent, full body picture of me and I also told him my height and weight before we met. I would never try to make myself look smaller in an online picture for a date. What would be the point?

 

These other guys were all guys I met in person. I guess they all could have been put off by my weight... but I dont think so. In fact, the guy that I was most attracted to was a pretty big guy himself. So it may have been a factor but I dont think it was the whole issue.

 

I have gained weight in the past couple of months since the break up. I was actually at an all time low right when my relationship ended, so it wasn't really a matter of letting myself go while in it, just the affects of a tough break up.

 

I do agree that I need to get more healthy now, but I've been a bit overweight all my life. I'm not going to put everything on hold and stop dating while i try to get more active and healty. I want a guy to fall in love with me for me, not because I went on a diet or am 20lbs lighter. I'm sure my weight is an issue for some men, but I dont think it is a deal breaker for all. i dont think I am that big compared to a lot of people I see out there.

 

I appreciate the comment though. I do want to get healthier and am going to work on it as i continue dating.

[Shallow]

Of course, some I was more interested than others, so maybe I should try to focus more of my time on less guys next time. Maybe I just spread myself out too thin. I'm not sure.

 

This is not a bad thing at this stage, as you're just getting back out there. It's perfectly OK that you are testing the waters and casting a wide net at this point. However, as you deservedly become more comfortable, you will naturally become more focused in your efforts.

[peanutbutterandjelly]

Maybe I shouldnt make first contact after we exchange info. Out of all the guys that I exchanged info with, only 2 of them found me and added me on facebook first. Neither of them messaged me when they added me, so I sent a quick message after they sent me a friend request. The others I found the next day and sent a message. Maybe next time I should wait to see if they contact me first?... or just add them and not message them? I like to send a message when I add someone just to make sure they remember who I am and where we met, but while I'm trying to be friendly, maybe I'm being a bit too forward?

[Shallow]

I like to send a message when I add someone just to make sure they remember who I am and where we met, but while I'm trying to be friendly, maybe I'm being a bit too forward?

 

I don't think so, but I find the whole Facebook thing to be too impersonal anyway.

[peanutbutterandjelly]

I'd rather have a guy give me his number or ask me for my number, but they always say, "hey do you have a facebook?" or "what's your email?"

[Shallow]

I'd rather have a guy give me his number or ask me for my number, but they always say, "hey do you have a facebook?" or "what's your email?"

 

Yes, it seems to be a necessary evil these days. However, I'm a non-conformist.