My Long Story

[Belts]

Hello, everybody. This is my first post here. My girlfriend of two and a half years broke up with me a week and four days ago because I broke her trust for me. At least, that was her initial reason.

 

I have lied to her about little things, such as smoking cigarettes when we were trying to quit, being the main one. Let me explain.

 

We both were smokers when we started dating. Together, we decided to quit. This failed time and time again for the both of us. Eventually, she got better at it and me, not so much. I would manage to stay quit with her until things would get stressful and I would start smoking again behind her back. I just couldn't bring myself to tell her. Every time she would eventually find out, and be VERY upset with me. She threatened to break up a couple of times, but was never serious about it and we'd manage to get over it. The last time she found out, she was informed by a friend who knew I had been smoking again. This was the final straw to her, and that's when she broke up with me.

 

So she has taken these incidents, and sees it as I have permanently ruined her trust for me. It has gotten so bad that she accuses me of taking pills from her dad, who is known to take too much and run out, and having webcam sex with other women, neither of which I have done, nor ever would. The story does not end here, my friends. Let me now give you some general background knowledge of our relationship.

 

We have so much in common, it was unreal to us in the best of ways. We are both hippies at heart. We both enjoy classic rock. I introduced my favorite band to her in the first few weeks of our relationship, and that has since then been her favorite band also. As of right now she has a song of their's on her myspace page. We are both very artsy; her being a glass blower, and me more of a drawer/painter/photoshopper. We both enjoy the outdoors, and have gone on countless adventures. We are both quiet-till-ya-get-to-know-us. This list could go on and on. Now, let me explain our differences.

 

She has gone through a lot of very horrible things in life. She was raped as a child, she had abusive step parents, she went through a traumatic bike accident that left her unconscious in the hospital, and she has had both mentally and physically abusive boyfriends in the past. She has been diagnosed with post traumatic stress syndrome and has been on medication and through therapy. She is also bisexual, which leads me into the next chapter.

 

She made me aware of her sexuality right away, and I had no problem with it, although no experience, which I explained to her. She basically told me that she can't help her feelings toward females and that I have to be prepared for that to come up in our relationship if I am to be with her. I said that I could be OK with that as long as she is always honest with me doesn't do things in front of other guys or without giving me some indication before hand. We agreed, and ended up falling so deeply in love that, for two and a half years, I was the only sexual partner she needed or cared about. After she began feeling so strongly towards me and telling me I give her everything she needs, it rarely came up again.

 

Now that she has broken up with me, she has been seeing another female. She let me know this about a week after she broke up with me by telling me, "She practically raped me, but it's OK. She is so hot, and she wouldn't have it any other way. I even have the bite marks to prove it!" I of course was a little shocked and speechless about it, since she had never done this throughout the course of our relationship. She only became more vengeful and started saying things like, "What? You said you never cared. Was that a lie, too?" She is refusing to see that this would not have been a problem for me had she not been telling me things like, "I never need another woman, you are everything I need." Of course, I fully respect the fact that she is a single woman now, and I am not jealous that she is seeing this female, but it hurts me that she would rub it in my face in such a way.

 

Now let me explain how she is handling the break up, and why it makes it so hard for me. She lives in a small town with her father, and has always wanted to move out. Word travels fast in her town, and with that; drama. There are a lot of bad people, and some good people. She has had acquaintances (I say this because she always told me she couldn't call them friends) in this town, a few of which she had when we started dating, but most we've met together. These "acquaintances" are not good people. One couple, the couple which ruined my cigarette secret; the woman * * * * * * herself out to pay rent while the man sits at home and plays video games. The other people are drunks, drug addicts, and thieves. This is the circle of people that we've had contact with in her town. I always felt above them, and she did too, but we'd hang out anyway just because the town is so small there really is no one else.

 

Now she is totally drowning herself in these people. She lost her license and is failing out of school. She refuses to go home and tell her father about it all, so she has been staying with these people. They feed her lies, alcohol, and from what I hear, possibly pills and drunken sex. She has told several people that she wants to kill herself. I have seen her once, since the breakup, and I can tell she has lost weight drastically. Her face is all red and blotchy and her hair greasy. This hurts me so bad. This is not the girl I once knew. She is throwing her life away, and avoiding people who truly care about her. I have talked to some of her good friends, and she will have nothing to do with them. She does not want me to talk to her at all.

 

I know I have to respect her decision and leave her alone, but it has been so hard. I feel like I can't sit back and let such an amazing and beautiful person throw their life away. I still love her, and have no reason ever not to. She has been through so much * * * * and I spent an entire two and a half years being there for her, loving her, and making her happy. I feel like no matter what she does, if she were to come back to me, I would take her with open arms. Unfortunately I have gone a little overboard trying to help her.

 

I have messed up and gone over to this couples house where she stays, not intentionally to see my ex, but to talk to them and try to get them to see my side of the story. Of course, my ex showed up and that did not go well. I am also guilty of bombarding her phone and facebook page with messages, begging her to talk to people who can help her and not to throw her life away.

 

I am done with that, though. I just wrote her one last letter, hand written, as follows;

 

Dear (ex),

I have been acting crazy; showing up at (person)'s house and calling you. I agree with the breakup. I think it's the best thing for the both of us. In fact, I could see it coming for a while. I truly wish you the best of luck.

Sincerely,

(me)

 

That is the last contact that will be made from my side. I just wish I could stop the thoughts. I know she is hanging out with all the wrong people, people of whom she could never stand to be around for prolonged periods of time before. She is destroying her life, and they are helping.

 

OK, so hopefully you understand a little bit about my situation now. But, there are a few more points I must make before I conclude. So, she broke up with me because I broke her trust. Period. Now it gets weird.

 

When I was at this couple's house where my ex goes, there was one of her "friends" (she's always told me she sees him as a scumbag) there, we'll call him Bob. Bob was freaking out because there was a rumor going around that he was already sleeping with my ex, and said, "I haven't slept with her since she broke up with (the guy she was dating before me)" This caught my attention, because she always assured me that she never had sex with Bob before and that he disgusts her (he's been known for a lot of scumbag type stuff). She told me about every other person she has had any sort of physical relationship with. But she never told me about Bob. And the reason that's strange to me is, she has hung out with Bob behind my back once before when we had a fight, and claims that nothing happened. However, I find out they've had sexual relations before and she has always lied to me about that. It makes me feel like she was trying to cover something up. She had no problem telling me about other guys she's slept with who we hung out with a lot. Why would she not tell me about this one guy?

 

Also, I was told by a friend that my ex told him that she slept with this same girl she is sleeping with now, while we were dating, and that she told me about it. This is not true. She never mentioned a word to me. She always told me she didn't need ANYONE else but me. According to my friend, this happened months ago.

 

I just don't get it. We loved each other so much. She breaks up with me because I lied to her about little things, and come to find out she has been lying to me about certain things also. She is totally not being herself. Her anger and vengeance is taking over her whole being, and she is throwing everything, not just me, that she once loved away; replacing it all with terrible things that will only bring her down further.

 

I want her to come out of it and realize that it doesn't have to be like this. I want her to realize she lied to me just like I did to her. I want her to see that we are both only human, and that this can be fixed.

 

What do I do, guys? Was the letter followed by no more contact a good idea? I don't want to see her end up in jail, the hospital, or DEAD. She doesn't want help from anyone and she is letting horrible people ruin her. This is such a mess.

[hater13]

Is this for real

[hannah_k]

This kind of makes my head hurt.

 

Unfortunately, you can't help someone who doesn't want to be helped. As much as it hurts, you have to turn away. That doesn't mean that you can't be there if she chooses to ask you for help. But in the meantime, compassion can only go so far. You can't make her feel it.

 

Good luck to you.

[Belts]

Is this for real

This is totally for real.

 

My heart aches with every single pulse. She has split personalities because of what she's been through, and her bad side is consuming her.

 

I can only hope she will see the light before it's too late, even if she choses not to give me a second chance. But of course I love her and would take her back if that's what she wanted. That's why I posted this here.

[Belts]

This kind of makes my head hurt.

 

Unfortunately, you can't help someone who doesn't want to be helped. As much as it hurts, you have to turn away. That doesn't mean that you can't be there if she chooses to ask you for help. But in the meantime, compassion can only go so far. You can't make her feel it.

 

Good luck to you.

Ha. My head feels like a nuclear bomb went off inside it!

 

It's really not funny, though. I never could have imagined such a * * * * ed up scenario, and now I am living it.

[iBroken]

Wow - I couldnt read this thread cause it was just too much?

 

Firstly, how old are you guys?

 

Second of all, you are trying to hold on to her by being concerned about her health and well being. Let her go - she needs to hit rock bottom before she can even think about getting up again.

[Belts]

Wow - I couldnt read this thread cause it was just too much?

 

Firstly, how old are you guys?

 

Second of all, you are trying to hold on to her by being concerned about her health and well being. Let her go - she needs to hit rock bottom before she can even think about getting up again.

We are both 23.

[iBroken]

You are still young my friend.....you need to let her fall on her own and move on

 

Good luck

[Belts]

I might be reading in a bit too much into things I shouldn't be, but I have an update.

 

After the breakup she took all the pictures of us off of facebook. These were the only pictures I had, so I took new ones. My main picture now is me standing next to the wall with one of my artworks behind me. I just realized she took a new picture of herself... with something she drew hanging on the wall behind her. It's the only piece of drawn artwork she has hanging anywhere as far as I knew.

 

She also took a picture of herself holding her cat, who was given to her by one of my good friends, and wearing pajama pants that I gave her.

 

She looks a lot better in the pictures than when I saw her the other day.

 

It's a friday night and she's been on messenger all night. I haven't talked to her, just seen her there and active. So I assume she isn't doing too many crazy things while sitting on messenger. Her status says "enjoying the peace and quiet."

 

Maybe she's already coming around? I'm not going to freak out and get my hopes up too much, though, as this is only things I have noticed online.

 

I don't expect her to come running back, but small signs that she is doing ok here and there is enough for me right now.

[Belts]

Also, something I forgot to mention that I feel is important. Three days ago, when I saw her, we did manage to have one good talk. We agreed that it's best that we get things done for ourselves for now, remain friends, and see where it takes us. We both came to this conclusion in person, and she left, saying "I love you."

 

That night, she got drunk and apparently ate up more lies about me, because when I called her she started freaking out demanding that I admit to outrageous things. I tried to tell her I was being honest with her, but she would just continue to yell at me, and tell me I am just giving her more lies. The call ended with her telling me to never talk to her again. Since then she really is avoiding every call or message, so I have stopped before I make it worse.

[Tigerfan]

She sounds like my ex wife. Run far. Run fast. I spent 10 long, hard years trying to help a woman like her. It can't be done. SHE has to want it to get help. You are only 23. I understand you love her. I loved my ex wife so much. But once you find a stable girl and have a stable relationship, you will wonder why in the world you ever dealt with all of this. Listen to the voice of experience. I've been there, done that. It's not good.

[doejan]

Wow. Unfortunately, you have to let her make her own mistakes. It almost sounds like she's sewing some wild oats. Why else in the world would she break up with you because you're smoking cigarettes to go live a life of debauchery?

 

We all have our issues and your ex certainly has hers. I really do wish you luck. I know you hope that she skins her knee and comes running back when her "friends" fail to help pick her up. Hopefully that will happen for you but if you guys do reconcile, help from the outside would probably be necessary in order for you two to have a fulfilling relationship.

[Belts]

I don't know. I think I may have been overreacting and blowing things a bit out of proportion myself. As time goes on, I am becoming more certain that the rumors of her sleeping with "Bob" are false. The last thing she told me, before she told me to never talk to her again, was to call her after I have a job for two weeks and we'll see where it goes then. This was AFTER she was demanding that I tell her the "truth", so that's a good sign, eh? I think she told me to never talk to her again out of anger that had grown throughout the conversation, which I now realize happened much too soon.

 

I heard from a friend of mine who knows some of the people in her town. In fact, Bob's roommate is a good friend of his, and says that he now is pretty sure nothing was happening. He even says the girl that my ex told me she slept with actually wants nothing to do with my ex because her boyfriend was hitting on her while they were partying, and that she is acting too crazy to want to have anything to do with her. He says that my ex is just making things up to try and "grind my goat".

 

Honestly, I don't know who to believe anymore. I don't know what's true, and what's not true. And I still don't know what to make of the fact that she never told me about sleeping with Bob in the past. Maybe it was just because he is the only guy that still hits on her out of all the people she has slept with in the past, and didn't want to make me feel uncomfortable? That does make a lot of sense to me.

 

Also, she has said to me several times after the break up that she will never be with another man again. She even promised that she would save herself for me by not having any sort of sexual activity with another man. But that was before she got mad again and told me to never talk to her, so I don't know if she still feels that way. According to Bob, my ex told him right away that she doesn't want anything to do with him like that. She said that she only wants to be friends and she basically needs him for a ride to school because she lost her license. I can see this, because if she has not told her father, then she really has no one else to bring her back and forth.

 

Anyway, I am going to do my own thing, and leave her alone. I don't even plan on calling her after I get a job. Her last words to me were to never speak to her again, and I don't think she meant it, but that's what I am going to do.

 

If we both come out of this on top, then great. I will give her a chance if she contacts me someday, if it still seems worth it. But I am going to do things for me until that happens, and I realize it may never.

[Belts]

Back to smoking about half a pack of cigarettes a day. I've kept myself busy today. Worked on cleaning around the house, and cleaned my entire car out. It was tough, I have so much of her stuff here. Some of it I know is important to her. On the day of the break up she told me, "Just give all my * * * * to your next girlfriend!"

 

I've gotten rid of her notes, pictures, etc. But she has a lot of things here that have belonged to her long before she knew me.

 

Here's a list of some of the stuff I can't possibly see her not wanting back at some point:

1) A book that has been handed down for years and has a preserved flower in it from the seventies, if my memory serves me correctly.

2) Her "birthday hat" which is a trucker cap that reads "It's my birthday!" She wears it every birthday, since before she met me.

3) Comics of a character she started drawing as a child and continued to draw throughout her life.

4) Poster and other such wall decorations that she has had years before even meeting me.

5) Home movies.

6) College books she could sell back to the school to help reimburse her tuition costs, or ticket fines.

 

I'm wondering if I should:

-Pack it all up and drop it off at her house with my final letter I wrote about in my first post but have not sent yet? (This doesn't seem like a good idea, because there is the chance of running into her, or her father, each of which would probably end up being a bad situation. Also, it could rain or be stolen before her or her father see it. It also seems like it could be a bad move in general.)

-Call her and leave a message or contact her over fb and let her know about the important items I listed? (This also seems bad, because I am trying to go the NC route right now. She was ignoring everything for days before I went NC anyway.)

-Wait until she realizes she is missing those things and contacts me about it? (Probably best decision, but not sure, that's why I'm asking for input.)

[Belts]

I also just noticed that last night she told one of her friends on fb that things are looking up for her, she got her insurance company to let the payment slide for a few weeks, and that makes her feel a little better.

 

She also had her relationship status as "It's Complicated" right up until I put mine as single. Hours later she did, too.

 

It seems as though she is changing hers every time I change mine. And the synchronisities speak too loudly to my weakened mind. Such as the relationship status, and her putting up a picture of her with her art in the background after I did the same. And her bio has been changed from a bunch of stuff about us to "If only..."

 

If only what!?

[Belts]

One other major component I seemed to have left out. Her dad is selling the house. He was going to wait until she was done with college, but he is battling over legal issues with his ex wife about his disability. Without warning, he put the house up for sale. This happened a few months ago, so we were still together then (been 1 1/2 week since break up). She became extremely obsessive about wanting to get a place with me. Of course, I had no job, and just lost the one I was hoping would work out, so I had no way of helping in regards to money. She was very proud and exited for me, but was OK and understanding when I was fired. I have been trying to get a job since then, but definitely not as hard as I could. That is another reason why she broke up with me. She was going to give me another chance, if I could get a job and hold it for two weeks, but now she'll have nothing to do with me because of the people around her turning her against me and encouraging her to believe lies about me.

 

And no, I was not making her pay for me when we went out. I do have access to temporary under the table paying jobs on the weekends, so I had money to take her out and buy our food. I just could not support buying a place until I had a job, and I was too lazy about getting one. It was nothing against her. I just have issues when it comes to motivation.

 

I really have to get on getting a job for myself now. I am too old to be living with my parents, not going to school, and not working. That IS a problem I'll admit to and vouch for.

 

Maybe, just maybe, if I get a job and she sees that I am working, she will see that I can support her. I accept that by then, and even now, she may have permanently moved on. There are just too many reasons to believe that she still loves me.