Need help, my enemy is myself

[Dozebedn]

I have a problem. When ever I am in a relationship I become mentally and emotionally locked onto that person. It is so bad that I not only ignore my own happiness, I feel guilty if I ever try to do anything for myself even when the girl I am with says I should. I also dont know if she says I should because I should of if she is testing me. I never know so I always asume that she is testing me and just dont do anyting for myself.

 

I even missed out on my cousin's funeral because even though she said I should go to it, I couldnt help but think that if I went I would get a call from her saying "you know, maybe she shouldnt be together anymore." The crazy thing, I wanted to not be with her anymore. I could feel my very soul be drained and turn to an empty shell. It wasnt her that was draining me, it was that mental lock on her that I had. I no longer am myself, I have never been my true self with someone I am with. I am not trying to hide it, its because my true self gets replaced by this other personality that takes control against my will.

 

It has been a while since I have dated and if a girl flirts with me, I become very distant, and often try to change the subject till she leaves or I decided to leave. I always feel like I become trapped in my own body if a girl shows any interest in me. My only thought is that I want her to leave or go to someone else. I often try to remain unnoticed.

 

Part of me wants to date again, and another part wants to stay alone for the rest of my life. The trouble with being alone for me is I dont mind it. I was an only child in a town with not many kids around so I learned to be happy alone as I grew up. Later I hated to be alone in my early-mid teens but now in my 20's and after the bad relationships being alone now gives me a feeling of being safe. Safe mainly from myself. Safe from becoming locked onto someone.

 

But I do want to date again, and that want is starting to outweigh the want to be alone. But how can I overcome this problem I have?

[Cowboy Dan]

Man, I feel exactly the same way! I'm not sure how I get to this "locked" feeling but I wish I could find the key.

[Sui]

Try to date a girl who's really someone you can trust and be your true self with, perhaps be her friend first. If you don't feel "connected" with her and natural as soon as you're in a relationship then I don't know what to say...if it doesn't work, try to get some professional help. Books on people's experiences you could relate to or therapy.