such a mess

[jc3113]

Broke up with my first girlfriend (first relationship for both of us) in late August. I can't fully relate to my logic, but we had been together for the last month of freshman year, and over the summer (talked everyday for hours online/sometimes by phone). I never stopped liking the girl, but I convinced myself it would eventually end sooner rather than later, and she would become even more invested (she was very very into me), and I wanted to minimize the damage? I dont know, stupid pre-emptive "logic" that really doesnt make any sense. She still made me happy, yet I ended it, and we went into NC for months.

 

She ended up with someone else in October. It was a rebound basically, she went into it not wanting to get attached, and didn't (her words). I remained confident in my decision, but slowly the confidence began to wane. Eventually, we re-established contact a bit (I accidentally ended up in her bf's room playing mario with him and roomates, she was there too...). He didn't even know about me until then. But yeah, we made contact, started talking a bit. I was really starting to see how stupid the logic for the breakup was, and I was getting closer and closer to admitting a mistake. Finally, it just hit me. I messed up, bigtime. I wanted to go for a walk and tell her, but she kept pushing it back, until we finally did. She broke down, didn't know what to do. We spent hours just being in each others company, and then went our separate ways.

 

She spent the next, almost 2 months, going back and forth between what to do. Things were different, her feelings were different, as they should be after such a shocking/harsh breakup that I put on her. Eventually, we started hanging out in person, which quickly led to physical things. But they didn't feel the same to her. Kissing me didn't (and still doesn't) feel as good. Everything feels different.

 

Eventually, she broke up with the other dude. I'm not sure if it was because the feelings of a relationship were missing, or because she wanted to give me another chance, probably both. But she did, and we spent the last 2 weeks of the semester hanging out together/sleeping together etc... Sometimes, we were happy, others, she would break down, admitting she still doesnt feel the same way as she did then (probably never will, that was infatuation + first love. I don't think I feel that way either). We spent so much time together, yet alot of it was her just breaking down and me comforting her. She didnt know if she wanted me, if she was still attracted to me, or what to do.

 

We had started saying i love you during all this, which we never did in the past. I had wanted to, but wouldn't considering the situation, but she said it first. We said it so much. But she wondered if saying it/doing anything with me was just to try to make me feel better (we tend to be ridiculously selfless towards each other). She just didnt know.

 

Finally, summer came. Helped her pack up and introduced myself to parents, who later were told I was a friend when asked if friend of bf (she didnt know what to say). We've been back for a week. Planned a trip in another week to go back up to where we go to school and stay there for a few days. Things started off pretty well, continued to say she loved me and missed me for a few days. Then, admitted she didnt feel right saying any of it when she wasn't sure what her mind felt. So she hasn't really said anything of that sense since. We've talked alot again this summer, this time alot more by voice. She kind of misses me, she kind of wishes she could sleep with me there again, but not enough to actually set up visiting her (which i can do at any time). Everything's just off.

 

She still talks to the other dude. She basically admits to keeping both options open, which makes me additionally miserable as well as jealous/paranoid. I'm her best friend still, and the connection we had then is still unrivaled, but now, meh. It's a mess. I'm miserable because she's so uncertain, nothing feels the same, I have no idea what will happen, and she's still keeping both options alive, she's not really "with" me. But at the same time, she won't say no to me, no matter how many times i offer her the answer. She's said yes, lets try again plenty of times, but always goes back on it. But she won't say no. She says plenty of times that I can leave, she's not worth it, etc... But I don't plan on doing that, miserable as it makes me.

 

The trip in a week is all I have to look forward to, I guess. I hope something can come of it, some sort of decision. But, I dont know. I'm probably depressed. Easily as miserable as i've ever been. This has been going on for 4 months or so since I told her I messed up and wanted to try again, dont even know how i made it this far. Her feelings for me are different, she doesnt know if they're enough for a relationship, she doesnt know if she wants me. Yet moments when we're together have almost been better than last year. But were they even real? I know things will never be the same, it will be different now and we have to adapt. But she just can't decide, she hates choosing.

 

What do i do?

[iJester]

Give her as much time as she wants to choose, you did this.