The pain is gone... so...

[ElectricSheep123]

So what's the next step?

 

As many people may or may not recall, my ex cheated on me with his ex, and it devastated me. I was the dumper, though he wanted to work things out, or at least be friends. I went total NC (blocked on fb, changed phone #, blocked e-mail etc).

 

Been through a lot since it happened March 27th: lost weight (just getting back into the gym), been depressed, been to therapy ever since, and now I think I'm in a good place. The pain is gone.

 

The only thing that remains is the longing. I miss him so much. I think about him 99.9% of the time. He's tried contact a few times since, but hasn't contacted me since 2 weeks ago when, as always, I ignored his 6 successive calls to my house.

 

What do I do now? Do I contact him to let him know how I'm going? Do I just do nothing and try to move on? NC has worked wonders. But now that emotions are settled and I'm finally in a good place, would a text message send me into a tailspin?

 

Any comments, esp from people who have experience with this, would help.

[mattguy]

well, trust me, you know how I keep breaking nc with my ex? it just sets you so far back. maybe like me, you will need to keep being burned to learn the final lesson.

 

the last time i talked to my ex he told me he only wanted to be f*** buddies now that he moved and lives an entire 45 mins away (!) ...ugh. It just makes you feel worse.

 

Im done. Ive blocked him on everything and I think that conversation was the last straw. Im not really hurt, and I dont miss him very much. You can only put yourself through so much before you exhaust yourself.

 

My advice is to just leave it be, he will stop calling you and everything eventually. You will move on.

[PennyLane09]

don't contact him..march 27th isn't enough time...don't fool yourself...

 

i went thru the same thing (weight loss, depression, therapy)...i'm back on my feet but it took the NC to do that...

 

people on here know are right, contact them ONLY if you don't care about their response...odds are you probably do.

 

good luck

[coolchick64]

Hey OP,

 

I would say contacting him now would be a bad idea. I cut my ex off too---blocked him on everything---I felt better almost immediately, but it's not the kind of "feel better" where you're really over it and centered. It's the feel better that comes from disengaging from the constant drama. More calm than anything.

 

A few days ago you wanted to send him a scathing email, right? I think you're just working through all your emotions now, processing it all. In a few hours, you may feel differently again. Take more time before you do anything else.

 

BTW: You can probably block him from calling your home phone, too. I did that with mine and I can't tell you how much peace of mind I have now. My home is a safe place. My computer is a safe place. My cell phone is a safe place. I highly recommend it.

 

I've been thinking about you since you wrote before. I'm inferring that your ex left you for his former girlfriend, right? Is he openly bisexual or is he maybe struggling with that? That might explain some of his conflict and bad behavior.

[ElectricSheep123]

Hey OP,

 

I would say contacting him now would be a bad idea. I cut my ex off too---blocked him on everything---I felt better almost immediately, but it's not the kind of "feel better" where you're really over it and centered. It's the feel better that comes from disengaging from the constant drama. More calm than anything.

 

A few days ago you wanted to send him a scathing email, right? I think you're just working through all your emotions now, processing it all. In a few hours, you may feel differently again. Take more time before you do anything else.

 

I've been thinking about you since you wrote before. I'm inferring that your ex left you for his former girlfriend, right? Is he openly bisexual or is he maybe struggling with that? That might explain some of his conflict and bad behavior.

 

You're right. The feelings of being OK with everything was only temporal. I've been having the worst day in a really, really long time, and I just can't function right now. I just want to be with him so badly, and NC is driving me crazy. It's supposed to heal me, but all it does is remind me that he's not here with me. Surely it can't be healthy to be away from somebody, if you're thinking of them 99.9% of the time?

 

No, my ex didn't leave me per se. He was in his first gay relationship with me. He's bisexual (out to his closest friends), but prefers women (about 65/35), and I was completely fine with that. The problem, however, was his sex drive-- it was way too high, in my opinion (5 times a day everyday, if he got the chance).

 

Anyway, it was crunch time at school (exams; everything was due) and I was unable to see him for about 5 days. He's really good friends with his most recent ex girlfriend, so they hung out while I was away. And when I finally met up with him, he confessed to me what had happened. He seemed genuinely sorry. Made an ass of himself by clinging onto me and not letting me go when I told him it was over, sobbed, chased me on the street in the blistering cold (without a jacket), begging for another chance etc etc etc.

I could have forgiven him if he had slept with her only once. They did it 3 times. That's just unforgivable.

To be honest, when I asked him if he was back with his ex, he said no. He gave me the impression it was just his sexual urges, and that he loved me. I don't know what to believe. I don't know if they're together now.

 

Maybe that's one reason I should stay away and not know anything about him. If I find that they're together now, it would literally kill me.

[Mustachio]

You say that maybe you shouldnt stay away if you are thinking about them 99.9% of the time... well you know as well as we do that its just not the truth. Going to see him or contacting him is only going to make you feel worse unless you get exactly what you want. Problem is, what you want is to go back in time and make it so all the bad stuff never happened, which you know is impossible.

 

Second thing i want to bring up, whats the difference between 1 and 3 times. In my mind if they were grouped together in a relatively isolated couple instances when you didnt see each other, then its pretty much the same. Its the same mistake that just happen to extend to multiple times... either that or one time in and of itself should be unforgivable. I am not necessarily trying to make light of the fact it happened multiple times, just my opinion. To be honest, I think you should work on forgiveness, it will probably make you feel better so you dont have to hold in all this anger, etc.

 

Third, keep this in mind... you were feeling better right? Even though you feel bad again now, you felt better... and you will feel better again. Its all part of the process, it comes and goes, take comfort in knowing that you can and most certainly will feel better.

[ElectricSheep123]

Second thing i want to bring up, whats the difference between 1 and 3 times. In my mind if they were grouped together in a relatively isolated couple instances when you didnt see each other, then its pretty much the same. Its the same mistake that just happen to extend to multiple times... either that or one time in and of itself should be unforgivable. I am not necessarily trying to make light of the fact it happened multiple times, just my opinion. To be honest, I think you should work on forgiveness, it will probably make you feel better so you dont have to hold in all this anger, etc.

 

For me, there's a difference between 1 and 3 times. Everyone deserves a second chance in my opinion, and sometimes things happen and people make mistakes.

 

I know the first time it happened, he, his room mate and his ex went to a pub, and they got really, really drunk, and he went home with his ex. In an instance like this, I may be able to forgive. He was drunk. He's sorry. It happened once.

 

But when you consciously and intentionally go back for a second, and then a third time, then it shows a total lack of respect or morality, in my opinion. Here, there was the deliberate intent to cheat, with a clearer understanding of what he was doing.

 

Bad analogy, but it's just like the law: you're drunk, you kill a man, it's manslaughter/second degree murder.

You're sober, you intend on killing them and carry it out, it's first degree murder. The nature and the penalty are completely different, and in the latter case is more severe.

[coolchick64]

Oh, I see. This is really complicated then. So he goofed up and was sorry. You were (rightfully) upset and broke it off. He didn't want to break up. The way I see it, your current dilemma is figuring out whether you really want to break up either.

 

Okay, so let me ask you. Is what he did so bad you're completely sure you don't want the relationship? If you're not completely sure, would it help to talk to him? I'm not saying you take anything back, at least not yet. But maybe it would be good to check in with him so you can express your hurt and disappointment, ask questions, and find out how he's looking at things. I mean, you're totally within your rights to walk away and never look back, but if you love him and he loves you and you'd both rather be together . . . I don't know. Seems worth finding out. Has he done anything else that leads you to believe he wouldn't want to try?

[Mustachio]

relic, i didnt mean to imply that the way you view it is wrong, just wanted to throw my opinion in there. Whether it was one time or three times, you made the absolute right decision to leave.

 

But my third point was the one I really wanted to emphasize. Just remember that the healing cycle is... well, a cycle, take the good with the bad, but when its bad, remember that it absolutely can and will be good again if simply because you have experienced it good (well, at least the absense of pain) already.

[ElectricSheep123]

(Sigh). This is what I wanted to hear from someone, but after hearing it, I don't know if it's what I want. Yes, I do love him. And yes, I felt like he took a part of me when we broke up. But it's probably too late now.

 

Yes, he wanted another chance. But the last time we spoke, he seemed to accept it (remember from a previous post, I told you he drove to my house? (post #5 here: ) and cried, and tried to kiss me?).

 

He asked me, rather hopelessly, if I didn't want to work it out. And I told him no, that I'd never be able to forgive myself if I went back to him. To be honest, my response to him probably sent him straight into her arms. I could never crawl back to him now. Not after how I told him how I hated him and wanted nothing to do with him. Not after he called my house so many times and have me hang up in his ear so many times. With his sex drive and his good looks, he's probably with his ex or someone else by now.

 

And then there's trust. I can never trust him like that again. He may care about me, but he loves sex way too much, and I don't want to be away from him for 3 days and worry who he's getting it from. I couldn't deal with that. But I also can't stand to be without him. The thought of him with someone new is like a knife through my heart.

[coolchick64]

Sure, sure. Who wouldn't feel the same way? There's a middle ground here, though. First, you wouldn't be crawling back to him. You'd be opening up communication so you could say and hear some things that will help you with this decision. Second, you're absolutely right about the trust issue and maybe you'd come to the conclusion after speaking to him that you just can't do it. But it's also possible he would say things to make you willing to try rebuilding that trust.

 

Guess my sense of all this is you were deeply hurt and reacted quickly and passionately to that hurt. Now that things have calmed down, maybe it's time to reconsider the whole situation before you make the decision permanent. Talking to him calmly might help with that process. In the end, the main thing is that you feel good about what you've decided. If you know for sure you don't want the relationship, you won't be so torn up about the idea of him with other people. But I get the feeling you're not sure. So look at it that way . . . do whatever you need to do to be sure.

[Mustachio]

I have to agree with coolchick on this one... yes you probably made the right decision to leave, especially if you couldnt forgive yourself for going back. Also, if he did go straight back into her arms as you put it, it just shows his true character and do you think thats the kind of person you could ever trust?

 

I wish you luck, but I think you have made the right decision... and its only after an extended period of NC do you really start to feel the healing that actually comes from going your own way, and I dont think you are there yet.

[ElectricSheep123]

I'm gonna wait it out for now. It's best to wait until I'm over him before I see or talk to him again. That way, whether he wants me or doesn't want to get back together, I won't be too hurt.