Competing with make believe

[Hurting85]

How does one compete with a make believe world?

 

My husband loves D&D and while I don't want to completely take that away from him, I hate being told that he doesn't know when he's coming home, that he can make any guarantees to not be gone for HOURS on end. He's hanging out with my brother all this time, and all it's doing is making me resent my brother. And the game.

 

He knows how I feel. He told me to make plans tomorrow to go hang out in the city, but then I'm stuck home alone. Again. We have one car, I don't have a job. So I spend all day alone. And besides, every one I know is working today.

 

I didn't mean to, but I started crying before he left. He just stood there looking at me like "what did I do? What do I do now?" I'm not sure I've ever cried around him, and he's certainly never been the reason I've cried. So I just whispered "go" and he kissed me on the head, told me to try to have a good day and left.

 

So not only am I an emotional mess, but I'm starting to get pissed off. I don't know. I just needed a vent more than anything.

[Dako]

How long have you been married?

Has he been like this since you met?

[Hurting85]

Almost two months.

 

No, things were great when were first together. He'd reach for me in his sleep. I never fell asleep without him holding me. He'd come home from work and kiss me. Or I'd get home and he'd practically tackle me with a bear hug. He's told me he was acting different from his normal self so he could make me happy and get my attention. I've since told him that I feel like I was lied to and deceived. It doesn't seem to matter. It's mostly been since we moved out from the old apartments with roommates (who fought constantly and I think it made us appreciate each other more).

[Lucius]

He knows how I feel. He told me to make plans tomorrow to go hang out in the city, but then I'm stuck home alone. Again. We have one car, I don't have a job. So I spend all day alone. And besides, every one I know is working today.

 

Perhaps it would be a more positive approach to try and fill your own life up, rather than becoming resentful at him for his hobbies? It's a lot of pressure to feel obliged to entertain someone 24/7. Indeed, it's a pressure that can come with it's own feelings of resentment.

 

It's a positive thing, IMO, when both people have activities they can enjoy separately. Provided there is balance, nobody should have to stop doing the things they enjoy merely because their partner feels bored. Were I in your husband's shoes, I'd want to know my wife could (happily) entertain herself from time to time. My fiancee has tons of hobbies she gets wrapped up in when I'm not around.

[Dako]

Almost two months.

 

He's told me he was acting different from his normal self so he could make me happy and get my attention. I've since told him that I feel like I was lied to and deceived.

 

This isn't good.

To be quite honest, I suspect you both don't know each other very well enough to be married.

 

How long have you known this guy?

[Hurting85]

Perhaps it would be a more positive approach to try and fill your own life up, rather than becoming resentful at him for his hobbies? It's a lot of pressure to feel obliged to entertain someone 24/7. Indeed, it's a pressure that can come with it's own feelings of resentment.

 

It's a positive thing, IMO, when both people have activities they can enjoy separately. Provided there is balance, nobody should have to stop doing the things they enjoy merely because their partner feels bored. Were I in your husband's shoes, I'd want to know my wife could (happily) entertain herself from time to time. My fiancee has tons of hobbies she gets wrapped up in when I'm not around.

 

I entertain myself just fine most days. But when he takes a day off, it'd be nice if he could spend it with me. I feel better now though. I had to get it all out of my system and now I realize how silly I'm being. Not to say it doesn't still bother me, but it's not as huge of a deal as I was making it.

 

This isn't good.

To be quite honest, I suspect you both don't know each other very well enough to be married.

 

How long have you known this guy?

 

I met him in August, and moved up here in September. I needed somewhere to stay while I apartment hunted, and I wound up never moving out.

[Lucius]

I entertain myself just fine most days. But when he takes a day off, it'd be nice if he could spend it with me. I feel better now though. I had to get it all out of my system and now I realize how silly I'm being. Not to say it doesn't still bother me, but it's not as huge of a deal as I was making it.

 

Maybe just ask him to plan a special day for you both on his next day off. Try to encourage that balance. I know that when my partner is nice about my own hobbies (which she is 99% of the time), it makes me that much more inclined to repay the favour and the time later on.

[Hurting85]

Maybe just ask him to plan a special day for you both on his next day off. Try to encourage that balance. I know that when my partner is nice about my own hobbies (which she is 99% of the time), it makes me that much more inclined to repay the favour and the time later on.

 

He told me to make a list of things I want to do in DC and we'll go tomorrow. I wasn't going to take him up on it, because it seemed like he was doing it to pacify me, but why shouldn't I since he offered, right?

[Lucius]

He told me to make a list of things I want to do in DC and we'll go tomorrow. I wasn't going to take him up on it, because it seemed like he was doing it to pacify me, but why shouldn't I since he offered, right?

 

You should absolutely take him up on it.

 

When your partner offers you want he thinks you want, it's not condescension; it's him trying. Don't look a gift horse in the mouth by attributing motives - just take up the offer and enjoy your time together.

[Aurian]

I think what we need is balance here. Your husband should be able to play D&D - that is his hobby. But he should also spend time with you.

 

However, he shouldn`t be expected to every free moment with you. People grow and feel happier when they have the freedom to do their own things too.

 

 

You sitting home and being bored all day is not going to help - you have nothing to do so you cling to him when he comes home. Find something to do! You don`t need a car... Is there nothing in bus or walking distance you want to do? Take some classes maybe? Or try take up things to do around the house. Art, drawing, writing, reading, carving, gardening.... Fill up your life too!

[Hurting85]

I think what we need is balance here. Your husband should be able to play D&D - that is his hobby. But he should also spend time with you.

 

However, he shouldn`t be expected to every free moment with you. People grow and feel happier when they have the freedom to do their own things too.

 

 

You sitting home and being bored all day is not going to help - you have nothing to do so you cling to him when he comes home. Find something to do! You don`t need a car... Is there nothing in bus or walking distance you want to do? Take some classes maybe? Or try take up things to do around the house. Art, drawing, writing, reading, carving, gardening.... Fill up your life too!

 

I have opted to be a "housewife" and have no regrets about that. I don't "cling to him" when he comes home. Maybe for about half an hour I'll sit and talk to him, ask how his day was, tell him about mine (which is surprisingly more interesting than it should be, all things considered!). Then I'll go cook dinner, and he'll hop online to plan his campaign, we'll eat at the table and talk, and then we'll both hop online and do our own thing. We spend time together, but it's not what I consider quality time.

 

I do have my needlepoint out right now. I haven't work on it in a while because we've been in the process of rearranging the apartment. Actually, we've been here since December, and something's drastically different every week. We don't fit as well as we'd like, so we keep trying to make more space.

 

And I wouldn't ask him to spend all his free time with me. It would drive me crazy! I agree that people should be able to do their own thing. For some reason today, I really really really didn't want to be alone. I'm hormonal right now, and I'm sure that has something to do it.

 

I did call and apologize for crying like that. I know it upset him. Not enough to stay, but then I'd have felt awful if he had stayed. Which is why I told him to go.

[Sanesoul]

He kissed you on your head, while you were crying, and then walked out the door? What an insensitive ass.

 

You are obviously not a priority to him.

[Hurting85]

He kissed you on your head, while you were crying, and then walked out the door? What an insensitive ass.

 

You are obviously not a priority to him.

 

He only left after I told him to, but you are right- I don't feel like a priority. The thing is, it's not like this every day. Some days are amazing. Most, really. It's just the bad ones seem to stand out and get more of an emotional reaction out of me.

[Kumatora]

He kissed you on your head, while you were crying, and then walked out the door? What an insensitive ass.

 

You are obviously not a priority to him.

 

That's what caught my eye.

 

OP, I highly recommend you two seek a marriage counselor at this point. Not only did you marry too soon but now it's going downhill... over a paper and dice game.

 

I will have to disagree with what people are saying here about discussing a balance. There is a serious miscommunication going on here and he's not making any effort to listen to her. He's not respecting the OP's feelings or taking the time to hear her out. That is not how a good spouse handles marriage conflicts. BTW I have heard marriages and relationships breaking up because of a partner's addiction to gaming... and this problem should be held in all seriousness.

 

If you want this marriage to work out, marriage counseling is the only way. If he refuses and continues to spend more time with his gaming, then you need to file for divorce. I am sorry this is happening to you.

[Hurting85]

Divorce is not an option. I made a lifelong commitment. Just because things get hard doesn't mean I have to right to throw that commitment away.

 

He came home last night a lot earlier than I expected, and brought dinner from my favorite place. We cuddled all night, and this morning he made me pancakes. The extent of his cooking ability stops at Ramen noodles, so that was huge. And now I'm being serenaded by the keyboard.