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Sulking


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He has a job, but is looking for a new one and applying all over the place (I don't mind moving, but can't get a job in some of the places he's applying). I say I'd like to discuss where he's applying. He takes this as criticism and I get angry that we can't talk about it. He goes into a sulk. Eventually, I grovel and apologise and say I'll never mention his job applications again.

 

Repeat cycle every 2 weeks. Most recent sulk accompanied by threats to leave.

 

How can we improve communication? I hate that there are "taboo" subjects in the relationship. I hate that I can't control myself getting angry. And I hate that his response is to shut down and sulk.

 

I've suggested counselling, he's said that he can't even talk to ME about his feelings, let alone a stranger.

Has anyone read any books that might help, or know any strategies?

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He has to learn and accept that in a relationship emotions that are bottled up will eventually reach its limit and explode or defuse in a way that can ruin everyone's mood around him.

 

At the same time communication in a relationship takes two to tango. For each person you just have to know what type of approach will help him understand your communication without feeling criticized or being judged.

 

Have you always lost your temper easily? Does he shutoff verbally and emotionally when problems arise? Him threatening to leave isn't fair to you but it's type of an emotional abuse. He obviously needs to understand himself emotionally to be able to open up to you little more while you give him more opportunity to speak out rather than stopping him in his tracks.

 

If you two were to go counseling, group counseling may be good but also allow him to go by himself so he can really open up privately. Again, it may take some time but I do feel such professional counseling will greatly help with the communication between you two.

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I don't understand the cyclical thing. After you tell him you won't monitor his job search any more, why not just keep your promise?

 

If he gets an offer, that's the time to discuss it. Before then, it's all just wheel spinning, and you've already noticed that it doesn't get you anywhere you want to be.

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Thank you sidehop and catfeeder, I really appreciate your replies.

The work situation is complicated - he is in a small field and his position is coming to an end, so he has to apply for whatever he can get. The cyclical thing is due to me finding about that he's applied somewhere new, that he hasn't mentioned. I guess you're right, catfeeder, but I hate the idea of long distance for an indefinite period. Though I guess I would prefer that than ending the relationship.

 

Sidehop, I would really like to be able to open up a conversation about a subject we disagree on without it coming accross as criticism. How would you approach this?

 

I do have a short fuse and I think I find it easier to deal with anger than sadness. I always used to think that my ideal partner would be the same: I'd rather have a good argument and then get over it than deal with emotional shutdown. Unfortunately my partner is just my opposite in that sense.

 

What is the best way to help him understand his own feelings and be able to communicate them?

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Some men define themselves by their job, and by you 'taking an interest' there's a risk that he'll see that as you meddling and take it as an affront to his masculinity (that he can't do it himself, which he feels he can, or needs to proove to you or himself that he can).

 

Leave him to it, be the ear/shoulder if he needs it, and don't mention the job situation. You can't help if he's how I think he is, let him sort it out and focus on other aspects You'd probably do more harm by continuing to try to 'help' when he doesn't ask for it, and as you've seen the threats are 'increasing' in severity. Obviously, he doesn't want your help - don't be insulted, it's nothing personal, it's just the way he is.

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Sidehop, I would really like to be able to open up a conversation about a subject we disagree on without it coming accross as criticism. How would you approach this?

 

I do have a short fuse and I think I find it easier to deal with anger than sadness. I always used to think that my ideal partner would be the same: I'd rather have a good argument and then get over it than deal with emotional shutdown. Unfortunately my partner is just my opposite in that sense.

 

What is the best way to help him understand his own feelings and be able to communicate them?

 

There's nothing wrong with having different communication styles, after all relationship is about understanding one another through communication.

 

If you feel your emotions are taking over, take a moment briefly before you put your thoughts and the emotions together. It could result in a nasty argument quickly otherwise.

 

So if your b/f is excited or telling you about a job that conflicts with your idea of moving or getting a job, get more information first. Rather than assuming his situation as well as your position possibly being jeopardized, try to understand his reasons and motives. Arguments almost always happen because of a misunderstanding. Misunderstanding also happens because a person (or both) may feel their opinion, thoughts and ideas are right which in turn doesn't allow for an open discussion and thoughts. In that sense all ego needs to be set aside if you know a conversation could get heated easily.

 

And if your b/f is still upset after trying to give your opinion, then communicate with him in a calm manner without criticizing his views or trying to prove yourself right.

 

As long as you remain calm while respecting his views and communicate your thoughts in a non-threatening way he will open to you more with less chance of getting into a heated debate.

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