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So the past few months have been abit of a blur for me and my head is constantly spinning and my chest constantly has that tight squeezy feeling, the kind when you get nervous…except im not nervous at all.


Infact lately i’ve felt fearless. I’ll let you in on a little secret.. I used to be afraid of the dark, not long back, a few months, and not crippingly, gut wrenching scared, but I used to do a little run when the lights were off, or if it was dark in a room, i’d close my eyes and block off my ears.


But ever since he left, I havent closed my eyes, blocked off my ears or felt the need to quicken my step. I stroll through darkened rooms with confidence? No not confidence… Its sort of like, after everything i’ve been through, its going to take a lot more than the monsters in the dark to scare me.


So my story? Its not tragic, its not catastrophic, its not the end of the world. But it sure as hell felt like the end of my world. I’m fairly young, naive you might call me. But i loved him. I’m 18 years old and I bloody loved him. He was my first real love. The kind that you resist at first, they chase you, persist and with every phone call, every text, you fall in love with them a little bit more. You have a terrible memory, yet you remember every last detail. What he was wearing the first time you set eyes on him. The way he smelt. The way he fidgeted when he was with you, as if he couldnt believe his luck, that he was sat there with you. You are the one that he wants, the one he needs… And so he gets you. You fall hopelessly in love with him and life is good. You spend every waking hour with them, everything you do, you do with them in mind. You dont rush things. Why would you? You have all the time in the world, the rest of your lives infact. And every day, even after months, a year, a year and a half, you cannot believe he is yours. You try your hardest, you love with every fibre of yourself. Okay, you’re not perfect. He’s not perfect. But he’s yours.


Then he leaves.


Leaves you for someone else.


Someone younger.


Out of the blue.


And you’re crushed, you’re lost. And five months on? You still feel a little bit lost. You still long to hear their voice. You’re defeated. You’ve given up. The most impossible of tasks are made easy, because everything is easy, everything compared to losing him, living without him, watching him live his happy life. That? Not so easy.


So out of the blue I get a text. The new girlfriend is pregnant. How do I cope? I dont know but I do. Infact, strangely, it barely affects me, after all i’ve been through I can’t be hurt anymore.


I dont feel like I did, I was catatonic. But I'm not fully healed yet.


Where is it when you really need it?

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I feel like I know exactly what you're describing. From the chase of the relationship, to giving in to it, to how it feels to find out you don't have forever and they've left you for another. I know how it feels to do ridiculous and crazy things. I know how it feels to be numb from them, especially when they do something ridiculous months afterward. I know how it feels for news not to surprise you or upset you when it should. These couple of weeks haven't been the best for me, but I know I am no where near where I was initially. I know it will continue to get better, and it helps to know that someone has been through the same.

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