coolchick64 Posted May 4, 2010 Share Posted May 4, 2010 I'm going through the second break-up in a year, both with the same guy (timeline = 1.5 years of bliss--3 month break-up featuring rebound girl--6 month seemingly solid reconciliation--break-up No. 2 about two weeks ago). The first time around, I was NIC. This time, I'm embarking on hardcore NC--requesting no contact and blocking all channels. I'm notoriously bad at NC, by the way, but this time feels different. I think I'm finally ready to let go. As I've reflected back on my 3-month period of NIC, I realize there are real differences between NIC and NC that you should consider when you're in this situation. There are costs and benefits to both. Okay, NIC first: NIC POSITIVES 1. You gain a lot of the benefits of complete NC without the costs. Just as in NC, you aren't chasing your ex or degrading yourself or making the situation worse. 2. You can respond which gives you a chance to express yourself. 3. You do not feel rude or mean or guilty by ignoring this person you love(d). 4. You're encouraging continued contact, which is pretty important if you want to reconcile. 5. By allowing your ex to contact you, you get information. You know something about what they're feeling, thinking, doing. 6. I believe NIC is the position of most strength. It shows that not only are you okay (by not initiating) but you're actually centered enough to tolerate contact from them. Good for you if you can do it! But this comes with a price . . . NIC NEGATIVES 1. You're in a reactive position. You only get to express yourself when the ex takes off your muzzle. 2. You'll spend many hours analyzing every word of every message, trying to read your ex's mind. 3. You'll be disappointed and hurt every time you check your phone or your email and do not have a message from the ex. You'll wonder when they're going to come to their senses. Every day without contact is like a giant f-you. 4. Multiply item number 3 by 1000 if you've responded to them and they have not written back. 5. It's hard to relax when that call or text could be coming at any second. Mayyybee evennnn . . . . NOW! 6. It's almost impossible to convey an attitude of indifference when your ex contacts you. And if you want to reconcile, you're not gonna want to. But this encourages your ex to check in repeatedly, just to make sure you're still on the string, with no other intentions. Dance, puppet. Dance! 7. You're more likely to hold your heart open. You wouldn't be doing NIC if you weren't. But by doing this, you'll find it harder to get on with your life. You'll expend energy thinking about the lack of contact or the content or timing or whatever . . . that's energy you could be expending to get buns of steel. NC POSITIVES I almost don't feel like writing this because it's well known dogma around here. But I think a lot of the NC stuff that gets discussed is soft NC---kinda like NIC except that you don't respond to the contact. What I'm talking about is hardcore NC---full blocking, avoiding places where the ex may be, and active purging of the ex from your mind. Letting go for real as if you'll never see this person again. 1. There is an immediate sense of peace when you set up your blocks. You can check your email without wondering. Ahhhh. 2. You're doing something active, instead of reactive. You're choosing whether or not there'll be contact. This is empowering. 3. You have no new information to process or dissect. Your mind begins to clear. 4. You are forced to fill your life with other activities and people because there's just nothing more to ruminate about or monitor. 5. Your ex will experience life without you in full force because they know they can't just text you whenever they get bored. IMO, this is more likely to inspire serious soul-searching than would stringing you along, and also earlier in the process. 6. And oh yeah, you won't feel strung along. 7. Blocking eliminates all the cheap forms of communication. I mean emotionally cheap and time cheap---texting, email, etc. It's harder to send someone a ping with a stamp on it! This means if your ex finds a way to contact you, it'll probably be something worth hearing. NC NEGATIVES 1. Outside of giving your ex a bracing reality check, I don't think this is a great recipe for reconciliation. For one, it forces your ex to work pretty hard to track you down. More to the point, it conveys a lack of interest in reconciling on your part. I guess this may be seen as a positive, though, if you know the only reason your ex tracked you down was to say something pretty important. 2. It can make you feel guilty or rude, but if you handle it well (by explaining what you're doing and why), this can be avoided. Hardcore NC is a dish best served cold---bad idea if you're still angry and vengeful. 3. You won't know anything about your ex, which may make you curious and pre-occupied if you let it. Cyberstalking anyone? So, what I conclude from all of this is that following a break up, you need to decide how you're going to position yourself. If you really hope to reconcile, NIC might be the better path. However, you're setting yourself up for ongoing pain and anxiety. It won't stop until either the ex comes back or you just give up. Honestly, looking back on our first break-up, I don't know how I managed to do it. If you want to feel better, NC is best but I think you get the most benefits by going all the way to hardcore. Strict NC limits, but doesn't rule out, the possibility of reconciliation. It just puts more of the burden on your ex. Maybe that's where it should be! Link to comment
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