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*sigh* It's too hard...


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After trying to make some headway with an acquaintance I like, things seem to have stalled just when they were looking good...


To get over the nerves and awkwardness of being face-to-face, I had made a conscious effort to initiate casual messaging over fb. Her responses were sparse, but after I started using common class/learning material to break the ice, she slowly stepped up the frequency from maybe once a day or two, to a couple of times a day. The comfort level was growing but it was still only an occasional online thing. Seeing her in-person had always been amongst others and my goal was to be able to get a casual outing with just her, nothing implicit.


I was becoming confident in chatting with her, so I'd asked her to 3 different movies (one of which we saw, but with her friend as well). She then suggested one herself, and of course I agreed, but the date I proposed was setback.


Determined to make this one happen, I mentioned another day and time on the fly before it'd slip her mind, and she happily agreed. That became our first solo get-together and while brief, it felt like a big step. I was finally able to talk to her in real-time, without having to compete with others. It was a great way to learn more about her and let her see my personality as well. It also felt good that I was able to be myself around her and not have to put on a facade. The occasion left me feeling really enthused about her, since I was picking up on all her little personality traits, and I ultimately felt really copacetic with her.


And yet after that, communication has suddenly plummeted. I've messaged her again on fb as I had been, but she's only responded once. The feeling's made worse, since after that night, I'm unable to stop thinking about her now. I felt like we really got along when we went to the movie, so I'm completely frustrated as to why she seems to have receded...


It really lowers my self-esteem. The hardest part for a timid type like myself is to make and nurture contact - but I've pushed myself to do that. She has strong social ties, so it feels huge having broken through her friends just the one time. But if her receptiveness is so disjointed, how will I ever make any progress? ](*,) After all that effort, it feels like it's reverted to square one again. I know she goes on fb fairly often since she's edited her status. All I've asked her is how her day's been, so I'm confused and dejected as to why she hasn't bothered to answer something simple.


Things were going slowly but smoothly and now, nothing. I even had a couple of ideas of what we could do next, but with her sudden lack of responses, I'm rapidly losing motivation. It doesn't help that my feelings for her have nevertheless gone up...

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To be perfectly honest you may need to dial up the action here. I have a guy doing pretty much exactly the same thing to me as I think you're doing to her and it's driving me nuts.

I feel very strongly that he's attracted to me and although he's not as comfortable talking to me in a group he really opens up when we're alone.

I really do like this guy; but I've known him for nearly a year (since before my ex and I broke up) and he's still doing nothing despite the fact i've been single since July 2009!!!!!!!

I've been super warm towards him, I always maintain eye contact and open body language, I make silly jokes and mess around with him, I always reply when he chats on facebook and now i'm at the stage where i'm ready to give up

May I add that we're both 30!!!!!!!!

I think that if your girl feels anything like me she's totally unsure of whether you like her as a friend or as a potential partner and as horrendously nerve wracking as it is you HAVE to do something, even something tiny, to let her know which it is you're going for.

I used to be very shy myself so I understand how hard it is but the longer this goes on the less chance you have of making anything happen.

You say that you message her on facebook asking how her day is going etc? Thats's fine at the start as an icebreaker but you are long past that now honey!

Try messaging her something like "hey, how are you? Funniest thing happened today..." Tell her silly stories and details about yourself, pique her interest again and next time you're alone find a way to make it clear that you are really interested even if it's just buying a packet of love hearts and offering her one!


May I also add that my last ex (who i'm still very fond of) was an extremely shy guy around women and I gave him a chance and went out with him because I could see how hard it was for him to put himself out there and potentially get shot down AGAIN after I had politely declined twice.


So hold your head up and get out there because we actually find a bit of shyness quite endearing

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First, thanks for the comments - if anything, it makes me feel a little better, especially coming from the female perspective


Part of me feels downtrodden because of the last girl I went after. It's been a few years now, but I had made pretty frequent attempts at spending time with this girl. The effort I was putting into her was soon made clear and she mentioned that she didn't feel the same really. Towards the last few occasions we spent together (usually with her friends), the differences between us became very clear and I rapidly lost interest. It seems that I was seeing what I wanted to see in her, based on how much I was infatuated with her at the time. I just don't want to go through that futile, smitten phase again.


Objectively, one could say the same thing may be happening this time, but having spent just the one quick evening with her, I've already sensed a lot more common ground that I was hopeful about developing. As mentioned before, the biggest thing was that I could be myself and talk without fear of backlash since I found her personality gelled well with mine.


She's certainly very friendly, but she hasn't shown any overt signs to suggest anything else. FYI, coming from the same upbringing/background as myself, she's also a fairly conservative/quiet type (but not necessarily shy, if that makes any sense). I don't wanna make guesses, but is it unreasonable to think that she's at least somewhat privy to how I feel? Almost always the one making contact, suggesting the most movies and bringing up other activities I'd like to do - doesn't that indicate that I like her? I just don't know how to read her.


Like the guy you've mentioned, I'm also less of a presence in a group since her friends share a longer history with her, so they bounce off of each other much more easily and I fall into the background. That's the hardest part to deal with, trying to be seen when she's got so many friends who share stronger bonds with her. Bringing myself to converse with her on fb is what helped me get my nose in, but I'm still a low rung on the ladder.


But at least she was responding - now the sudden lack communication from her has thrown me all in doubt. In a way, it's as if the evening was just erased from her head as if it never happened. Before her silence, I was prepared to let her know that I liked watching movies with her - should I still do that? I've also been tinkering with music for her, since we had both mentioned enjoying older music, and I said I give her some - would that still be a good gesture, or a corny move?


Little things are bothering me to no end now. I've noticed her making a post on her friend's page, which disheartens me inside, because presumably, she ignores my message(s). This makes me hesitant/unenthused to send any more...

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I'm sorry that is a difficult situation to be in. The most likely thing is she is just not that into you. I think the best thing you can do is back off for now, and wait for her to come to you. You may be coming off as desperate. Even if she has lots of friends, she should be willing to make time for you if she is indeed interested.

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I would stop talking to her and focus on your inner game (self esteem and confidence). This will help you succeed in the future.


She isn't as interested in you as you are in her based on her friend tagging along and lack of communication. It happens to us guys frequently and you can counter by dating several women at a time.


Buying her anything and telling her how much you enjoy spending time will only push her away.

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Well it seems she's been (and still is) bogged down inordinately by college work, giving her little time to peruse messages leisurely, understandably so.


I'm blank on what I should say in this period. I don't wanna bother her too much because it would only clog up her inbox and probably wouldn't net me any more responses than I'd get anyway. But I wanna remain a presence in the back of her mind and ensure the conversation we've had doesn't fade away.


What are things I can say without being intrusive or bothersome?

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