So who's cheated but never will again?

[TheJerseyKid]

I pose this question for a myriad of reasons, but one of them being I'm curious as to how many people have cheated at one time or another, suffered consequences or not, and if they repeated past behavior again. I know when I was 17 and in my first real relationship that lasted about 4 years, I did cheat approx 3-5 times in the first year and a half. I remember that it made me feel tremendously guilty and after being with this person for so long and realizing how much they loved me, I hated the feeling. The latter 2 1/2 years of the relationship I didn't cheat. Since then I've had several relationships ranging from 1 month to 1.5 years, throughout all of which I was faithful. I know the old saying that cheaters never change, but in my case, I certainly did. I'm curious to see what the rest of you ENA'ers have done/experienced.

 

- Have you ever cheated?

- Why do you think you cheated?

- Did your partner ever find out?

- Did you ever cheat again (same relationship or not)?

[misssmithviii]

Once a cheater most definitely not always a cheater. People's morals can change, people's values can change, people can change - for better or for worse.

 

The only times I would consider myself having cheated were when I wasn't in a committed relationship but I was dishonest about being exclusive to the one I was actually dating - this happened in my previous relationship with my ex. In the beginning, I wasn't attracted at all and I didn't care much for him and I was quite promiscuous with other men while I was dating him. Although we had this awkward "agreement" to not be exclusive, I never disclosed my sexual life outside of him (which only lasted the first 2 months we knew each other until we were finally official) - even when he'd ask while we were official, I would lie... I would lie for the fear of my health actually because he was massively abusive.

With my morals now, I consider any sort of sexual activity or flirtation with anybody other than the one I'm dating/in a relationship with, is considered cheating - even by it's smallest measure because I feel like I've been misleading in some way; lying by omission.

My ex doesn't know until this day (mostly because I do not speak with him) and I would actually love to tell him to his face sometime that I did sleep with Steven (my man now) at the ending period of my "relationship" with him (ex).

 

If I were still with my ex (which if I were, I'd probably be dead or beaten constantly), I wouldn't be faithful at all but instead I would tell him proudly so as to taunt him. I guess that's my extent of how much I give a f*ck ;]

 

However, my morals remain - I will never be misleading or lie by omission for the rest of my life. It is an oath I took to be better than that, and that entails never cheating. I find it more honorable to just leave whomever you're with when you feel you need to and then venture off onto other pastures.

[MinziGirl]

I have a problem. In fact a big one.

 

All the guys whom i know have cheated on me except for 2 - my current boyfriend & an ex boyfriend from the 1990s. I have been so stinged by these men's cheating that i became someone who couldn't trust a n y o n e so easily anymore.

 

My current boyfriend IS a loving man to me but since the last 2 months, he was not easily reachable by phone because his home phone broke down... In fact the line in the whole apartment shared by many has faults & he is not the only one. Then, since 2 days ago, his credits ran out on his handy.

 

I am trying not to fall into the trap of thinking all men are B*****d... I cna see from his actions to me that he really loves me. I have also been struggling to get out of this mindset for some time now. So if anyone can help me to give me good inputs, i will really appreciate it.

 

Thank you very much.

[misssmithviii]

MinziGirl: I have been scr*wed over by every guy before my man now... either by being cheated on, abused in every way possible, or by being lied to constantly; so as you can imagine - I have a very, very messed up view on trusting.

 

What helps more than anything is my man's extreme openness, honesty and understanding, willingness to help me get over any insecurity I have - and instead of finding it some obligation he's uncomfortable with, it's so easy for him to just do whatever it takes to help me along... and trust me (haha), I've gotten much much better

 

(You don't have to read it all of course, but if you have issues trusting - this has helped me along.)

Here's an excerpt I wrote about this very topic, pretty long but very helpful IMHO:

 

▷you have trust issues

this is not something to be ashamed of, nor defensive of. the majority of people have trust issues, in fact everyone has been treated poorly by someone in their life (whether they realize it or not) it’s all about how they dealt with it. it’s a very specific science. no two people react the exact same way to any problem. no two people’s perceptions of life are the same. but what does remain the same is the simple fact of the matter: you find it nigh unbearable to trust so easily. in fact, trusting is not an easy matter for you. and on top of that, your past has proven that people are capable of being untrustworthy and heartless towards you and your feelings.

you might be so far out of touch with trust that you don’t even know how to trust anymore! basically you get the picture, but no matter the degree of how far you’ve gone away from trusting, the matter at core is still the same… how do you trust your partner?

one thing that I find is the most difficult thing for people to do is to learn how to first trust themselves. it’s hard to get over feeling like you were so easily fooled in the past. what’s worse is when your ex did things that were seemingly normal but in the end proved to be a means for doing something horrible. in the past your ex could’ve said “I’m going to work” and at the time, you thought nothing of it… but later on you found out the truth that they were having an affair. what’s unfortunately begun to happen is the process of distrusting your own instincts.

 

[[if you find yourself constantly being fooled and manipulated by your lover, I strongly suggest you get out. that is an unhealthy relationship and if it keeps happening, you will change as a person - your mind will re-wire itself to either become a doormat, in denial or a paranoid mess!]]

 

continuing on, once you’ve gotten to the point where you cannot trust your own instincts, you’ve also come to the point where your instincts have been altered. your instincts have been notched up on the paranoid-meter from ‘normal, average concerns’ to nearly ‘irrationally bracing yourself for the worst’. when this happens you need to take internal steps towards putting your instincts on hold, and receiving facts instead. some people may advise you to always listen to your gut, but you cannot listen to a gut-feeling that is always telling you the worst - it’ll blind you from the good and will surely elevate your stress level. you cannot discern between true gut-feelings and altered ones that have been almost permanently damaged by your past. so for now, rely on the facts.

 

another important step to take is to learn how to voice your concerns. there is a big difference between attacking your partner and merely bringing up discomfort regarding trust. instead of assuming your partner is doing something wrong, (even if you feel that way) say calmly that you’re having a hard time believing your partner. remind them it’s not their fault, and you know your partner is not your ex but your habit of not-trusting is a learned defense. technically that’s what it truly is, you are defending yourself because you do not want to be hurt again… you don’t want to be blind-sided.

so voice your concerns, consciously speak at a lower decibel, take breaths when you would normally freak out. the rest is up to them.

 

[[remember to also read your partner’s part in this! it is very important as I will address it from their point of view!]]]

 

lastly, learn to pick and choose between what to let go and what not to let go. this isn’t saying you shouldn’t speak up, this is to say retrain your instincts. your gut and your instincts are like a muscle you need to rebuild the right way. the healthy way. after time has passed and your partner has consistently shown you no reason to distrust them, it’s your part to keep working on your instincts. back to the analogy, if your lover says “I’m going to work” and has consistently proven they’re at work and they have been 100% respectful, faithful and understanding, tell yourself over and over again this is one less thing to worry about now. tell yourself that you can trust this person when they go to work. if you still feel worried about it after time, perhaps begin keeping it to yourself. you know in your heart now that it is not an issue anymore and move on. however, if you’re finding notes and un-explained calls at hours you are conveniently apart… that is something to address.

so you see, after some time of positive reinforcement together, you can trust that person in normal situations again and pull your paranoid-meter back down to normal.

sometimes it may seem like it will never happen but as long as your partner is doing their part by obliging to your needs, understanding your concerns and not giving you a hard time - you will overcome this.

[TheJerseyKid]

The fact is this; good, honest, and faithful guys DO exist out there, it's all about finding them. In my relationship that ended just about 2 weeks ago, I never cheated. However, during the final month I found myself not really flirting, but like, almost more interested in seeing whats out there. I think this had a lot to do with the fact that the relationship was beginning to crumble and I was seeking some sort of outside comfort, rather than dealing with the issues. It took me being out of the situation to realize why my feelings/morals had "changed" to a degree. Throughout the bulk of us dating, I didn't even look at other women really, I was truly in love and really into my girl. The good thing about this is, if I ever find my self with similar feelings to those that I had at the end of this past relationship, where I feel like flirting or finding some outside comfort, I know it's time to have a serious talk with my S.O.

[MinziGirl]

@misssmithviii.

 

Thank you for your input. Yes, i do tell my current boyfriend that i had many bad experiences with guys & he was understanding about it. He reassures me many times that he is indeed loving & faithful... and i have no reasons to doubt him.

 

What happens in situations like mine with many people (i believe?) is that: when a situation that have occurred in the past occurs again, red flags starts flying up & one starts to go into doubt again. I label it as just bad experiences but to go thru one of these phrases is not a nice feeling... and i want to know how to cope with it when it hits.

[misssmithviii]

PS That excerpt was from a rough draft of a book I'm writing Hence nothing capitalized.

 

To TheJerseyKid - I think you have the right idea and mindset going for you to be faithful. I do believe good, honest, faithful men exist - I'm with one right now ;]

[misssmithviii]

@Minzigirl: When you have these feelings with red flags that you truly believe are not something serious (as in being altered instincts as I previously addressed), then tell yourself it's okay to feel this way and that you're making progress by being able to accept and admit it.

 

I guess if you gave me something more specific it'd be easier for me to answer, but in general - when you're going thru a phase where you're paranoid and having difficulty organizing your thoughts, what I do is I go through it step by step, take a breath and slow down. Things come around a lot easier when you're mind is cleared of the bulk of the stress.

[asthesparrow]

I will never cheat again. I have learnt a lot from my experiences, I know why I cheated (it wasn't just lust, infatuation) and I now have stronger "boundaries" for myself, as to what I deem appropriate when I am dating...

 

- Have you ever cheated? Yes

 

- Why do you think you cheated?

Absolute no emotional or physical love from my partner, abusive partner, made me feel worthless, said my body was disgusting, said no one would love me, felt alone but trapped... and a man (who was friend) came along and pretty much gave me all I was missing, physically and emotionally and instead of leaving my horrible boyfriend, I was pretty much "dating" this other man....

 

- Did your partner ever find out?

Yes I told him

- Did you ever cheat again (same relationship or not)?

no. this was a year ago. wouldn't do it again.

[Sanesoul]

My Story: