Lost my dad 5 years ago

[helpinlove]

Its this time of year and I always get depressed. I lost my dad 2 days after my 21st birthday and today is my 26th. I keep telling people I don't want anything and I don't want to make a big deal of my birthdays because they bring back bad memories for me, but people keep withing me a happy birthday and asking me what I want. I am not a mean person, but all I want is to be left alone.

I am so sick to my stomach and my head is pounding and its all due to stress. I try to keep a happy face for my friends and family, but its so hard. I wish I could find a way to be happy that its my birthday, but i just don't know how. How do you celebrate something thats suppose to be happy when there is something so bad that is keeping me down?

I miss my dad and I always just want to crawl in a hole for the entire week when this time of year comes around.

I know everyone means well, but I want to be alone. I want to grieve. I want to cry and scream and sleep. That is what I want for my birthdays and it is just not an option.

[fLuiD]

How did you spend the birthday of the year he passed away? Were you in the hospital with him, or out celebrating?

 

I think it would be a really good idea for you to separate your birthday from the death of your father. I know its tough because weeks before your birthday, you are already anticipating feeling down and bummed out about your dad's death. By the time your birthday comes around, you have filled yourself with all kinds of sad thoughts and it makes it harder to enjoy your birthday. Honestly, I am not quite sure how you can do this. I am not sure if you are feeling guilt for trying to be joyful during this time but I really doubt your dad would've wanted you to be feeling like this on the day of your birthday. What do you think he would say to you if he was standing in fron of you while you feel like this on a day like today?

[jahur]

firstly, welcome to ENA. i wish it was better circumstances your arrival on here, but here goes...........

 

only the fullness of time can help you heal, i lost my father when i was 14, hes been dead longer than i knew him. im now 38, i also lost my mother when i was 21. now what im saying here is this, you are not alone and i can fully epmpathise with you. time, time, time is what you have to heal. now, dont ever ever forget that he is there with you always. if you forget about him for an hour, dont beat yourself up or think you are betraying him, he would want you to be you and live your life and not go around feeling down about his passing. the angels are with him taking care, he is outa pain and in a safe place, he is absolutely fine, no harm will ever come to him. think this and smile, because its what is true. this helps massivley, turn logic on its head, its easy to feel down and takes a lot of hard work to feel better, WORK AT FEELING BETTER!

 

i know its hard, very hard, but it does get easier. i am safe in the knowledge when death takes me, (when it chooses) i will be greeted by them when its my time. live your life, he would be mortified if he could see you like this. thats not what he wants!

 

shoulders back, chest out and chin up......move forward xx

[Traveler27]

I was very close to my father and lost him shortly before my 13th birthday. I am 30 years old now and the pain is still there. This is such a huge loss - especially if you were close to him. In my opinion, if you feel like grieving on the days/week around your birthday, then that is what you should do. You can't force yourself into happy, celebrating birthday mode if you are reminded of this loss that occurred around the same time. Maybe someday in the future, you will feel differently, but I suppose what I'm saying is that you really can't ignore these feelings - especially not for the sake of others. If having a quiet day on your own is what feels appropriate to you, then I'm sure your close friends and family will understand.

[helpinlove]

I do feel guilty. Him and I butted heads a lot, and after him and mom divorced I didn't spend as much time with him as i should have. I went to see him on the day of my birthday. The night he died (2 days later) I was celebrating being 21. I was going to sleep at the same time he suddenly and unexpectedly died of a heart attack. He was alone at his home. Its hard and I carry this guilt with me everywhere I go and it seems that no matter how hard i try to think positive, I am still down. I thank God for making my battery light come on in my car the last day i went to see him. He was a mechanic and I was getting ready to make a 2 hour trip and right at his turn off (that i was planning to pass by) my battery light came on and I spent a few hours with him. It was a good day, but short lived. I regret so many things and I just wish I had him here, even if he was here to argue with again (which is what we did a lot of the time, we were both hard headed and stubborn and refused to give in to the other). Spring was always my favorite time of year, flowers bloom, the snow is over, the mountains are turning green again....now, i don't even want to experience these things anymore. I don't want to walk outside to feel the warm sun anymore when april comes around. I want to stay in my bedroom under the cover. Its not healthy and I know it so i try to force myself to take a breath of fresh air, but its so hard. I just want to scream or cry or punch things or rip a pillow apart or something....i don't know, i don't know who to talk to about it...i am glad for this site so I can just get it off of my chest.