Told Her I still Love Her: Back to Square One

[HurtStudent]

So- three months of NC on my part, doing well, thinking about the ex a lot less and I receive a message from her. It was a very messy breakup which had her basically going back to her ex in another country when we were supposed to have a LDR. I got the impression that she never wanted to hear from me ever again.

 

I cringe for about a week, call her- leave a voicemail and finally reply to her after two days. The next day she sends me a very long reply explaining how things for her haven't been going well and that it was nice to hear my voicemail.

 

I try calling her the next day and she picks up, and says that she's tutoring, but for me to call back in 15 minutes. I try calling, no answer- and just go to sleep. (Time zone difference for me is +5 hours.)

 

The next day there's another message from her saying so sorry that she didn't pick up. I reply to her message and tell her I'm sorry things aren't going to go well for her, but I'm sure they'll pick up and if we could talk. She says to call the next day, and I do. She also asked that she knew she was at fault, but if I would never talk to her again if she didn't send a message.

 

So yesterday, I'm sitting under a tree in a field with a couple of beers, talking to her- and she talks for about an hour wondering how things are with me and telling me about her life. Eventually, I ask what happened between us and she said "do we really have to talk about this now?" I explain to her that things haven't been going well for me because I haven't been able to move on, and that I still love her, think about her all the time, and that I knew she didn't feel the same. She said that it's not true that she didn't feel the same, and that I deserved an explanation and that things were complicated. She said she would say some other time because she was at a friend's house. I told her to take care.

 

So yeah, FML. Back to healing 1.0.

 

Don't break no contact- it's not worth it. At least now enough time has worn out most of the memories of us together so everything doesn't remind me of her, but still.

[Anusha]

I know what you mean since Im at the same situation.I broke NC after 8 and a half months so I know how is like.

[HurtStudent]

The worst part of all of this is that it's Nickleback's fault. That one song that was like "if today was your last day" and "tomorrow was too late could you say goodbye to yesterday."

 

I felt as though she had to know that I still loved her. So not only did I

1) Listen to Nickleback.

2) Take advice from Nickleback.

3) Now have to live with the shame of both 1 and 2

4) I managed to set back my healing process.

[Blackey]

Well now you know how much NC is important for the healing process, try to keep it at all time and dont let her contact you or manipulate you into nothing, right now you are the most important person in your life, not her, YOU.

And stop listening to Nicklback, these basterdsss

[HurtStudent]

I know No Contact is important, but I mean-

 

I'm at a stage where events in my life have put me in posistions of success and popularity I never thought possible and yet I was still missing her at night. Yet, nothing seemed to matter much at times.

 

So, where do I go from here? Back to total NC?

[ForumGuy]

I don't think you're all the way back to square one. I experienced something similar last week. My ex seemed to be very happy and responsive that we were at least communicating again after 5 wks NC by me. I told her I missed her and her family every day and felt like I shouldn't have said it, and "back to square one", but it hasn't felt like "square one". While I don't plan to ever contact her again, unless I hear the "I made a mistake....etc", I do feel good that she at least cared enough to be polite and quickly responded (didn't make me wait for replies) to our brief contacts.

[HurtStudent]

I don't think you're all the way back to square one. I experienced something similar last week. My ex seemed to be very happy and responsive that we were at least communicating again after 5 wks NC by me. I told her I missed her and her family every day and felt like I shouldn't have said it, and "back to square one", but it hasn't felt like "square one". While I don't plan to ever contact her again, unless I hear the "I made a mistake....etc", I do feel good that she at least cared enough to be polite and quickly responded (didn't make me wait for replies) to our brief contacts.

 

I guess you're right.

 

Things don't feel as bad as before and at least I said it. But I've fallen back in the whole realm of "What ifs" etc and the urge for crumbs.

 

One step forward, two steps back.