Resilience

[Hermes]

Life is unfair. Yes, it is, but it is unfair to everyone. The difference is that some are more resilient than others in facing into the adversities and ups and downs of life.

 

 

 

 

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[pinkelephant]

It bothers me when these psychologists talk about how one needs a 'loving, stable family' as a strong precursor to mental health without crediting how a difficult upbringing can make you that much stronger. In my personal experience, many of these kids who grew up in stable, loving homes are actually sheltered and when presented with difficulties, they are the first to fold, to cry to their moms and dads. Those traits are hardly 'resilient'. I'm currently a college student and am one of the few that actually know how to live on my own, pay my own bills and over-come various 'blocks in life'. I'm one of the fews that go to school full-time, get good grades, have a part-time job and take care of things at home. Most kids from these stable homes aren't even working since there's no need and if they do work, it's mainly so they can buy an ps3 or whatever, not to pay for the electric bill. They spend more of their time with friends and pretty much enjoying life and never mind about taking care of someone else, they can barely take care of themselves.

 

I don't think these studies take into account of the fact that people who don't have a stable family have MORE difficulties in life and therefore, more stress while having less stress relieving outlets and less time to recoup. I would venture to say that we are more than resilient, we've made it this far dealing with stress most people coming from a stable family don't even know exist. When you're dealing with so many things, of course you're going to be spread thin... but that doesn't mean we're less resilient. In fact, that makes us that much more resilient.

 

And I should explain, it bothers me because it makes it sound like we're doomed because our childhood sucked. Like, it's not bad enough that we had an unfulfilled childhood, our adulthood will suck too. And I should give a disclaimer too. I don't think being shelter would equate to being weak, but the environment certainly allows you to be compliant.

[Hermes]

It's a little more complex than that. (take a look at the article in the link).

 

I grew up in a stable, loving home, and consider myself so fortunate. It made me a strong, independent person, and I never in my life went crying to the parents! A stable loving home is not a "sheltered" one. It is where the parents give children voice, ensure they are independent, while being loved, and in a nutshell, it is called good parenting.

My father taught me resilience (although I am well aware that there is also a basic personality component at work too). I lived on my own from when I started college at 18, and thereafter. Not too long after I was independently living and working abroad.

I have met a lot of adversity in life, overcome the rocks placed in the road, and I know that my upbringing, without any shadow of doubt, has made me that way.

Having a stable home does not mean you have come from a wealthy home. It means the parents are sane, stable and loving people, who do not demean, diminish, neglect, emotionally abuse (or physically), their children.

What have you got against a stable loving home. Is an abusive, dysfunctional one better. I don't think so. Children need support, love (not over-protection, not suffocation, which is counter-productive).

 

Certainly people can come from a difficult background, and move on (that is what the article in the link talks about).

You are fortunate that you have done so well.

 

But, recognise it or not, a dysfunctional, abusive upbringing is no good foundation for life.

 

 

Just to conclude, and this sounds good to me:

 

 

 

This is a gross generalization. Again, "stable" is not synonymous with wealth. There can be huge dysfunction in what you call a wealthy home, and good, solid parenting in an ordinary home, and the converse is also true.

[OntheWire]

I don't think dealing with life is much different than going to the gym. I think of stress and trials as like weight on the bar. If you never go to the gym, you never build any muscle...then when weight is dropped on you, you're crushed. If you go to the gym and constantly try to do absurd exercises, always taking on too much weight, you'll only fail and learn failure.

 

I think the people that do best in life are the ones that are willing to take on the weight consistently, but with some wisdom and temperance. They know their limits, and if they push past them, they do so slowly and over time. Patience helps.

[asthesparrow]

Hm... I don't know, maybe I'm one in a million, and everything is overly generalised, but I was raised (if you could call it that, I raised myself really) by a single mother who was never home and treated me poorly... I left at 16. I am one of the most resilient people I know, and it's due to my upbringing. I never get kicked down and stay down. I fight through every bad thing that comes my way, because I've had to, to survive, since I was a child.