Jealous of female friends

[just_confused1]

This is my first post to this forum.

My bf and I have been going out for almost 3 years and he travels out of town a lot so I get jealous sometimes when he mentions anything to me about other females. He does construction and so he is always working some where different and is constantly meeting new people. I travel with him on occasion, but I started working in a new area and now I cannot go with him as often. But there are a lot women and men who work in the same field he does. I don't have a problem with him hanging out with other guys after work, just other women. When I would go with him it wasn't a problem because I was there and we would all just hang out and talk, go to the bars or whatever. But when I am not with him and he is out of town I tend to get jealous if he starts hanging out with another woman during or after work. We have a rule where if I'm not with him he doesn't go hang out at the bars and likewise for me if he is out of town. I don't think there is anything wrong with having friends of the opposite sex. I just get this feeling sometimes that I'm missing out on our relationship and that some other women that he doesn't know very well get more of his time. He always tells me hey I'm hanging out with so and so and a lot of times he puts me on speaker phone if I happen to know the people. I was never like this before and now I get so jealous and scared that he is going to find some one else on the road. I don't have any insecurities with myself. I'm pretty good looking and down to earth. I wish there was a way to take away this feeling of jealousy when he's hanging out with other women from work. I want to tell him not to hang out with other ladies when I'm not there but I don't want to seem overbearing or restrictive. He doesn't tell me who I should or should not hang out with. Is this just a phase of the relationship?

[DontGetStung]

I don't know if it's a phase or not, but there is no way to do this without seeming overbearing and restrictive, because that's exactly what it is. To say you "don't have any insecurities" is laughable. Has the dynamic of your relationship changed to make you think he might be looking for someone else, recently?

[Cray320]

It sounds like you are replacing trust with control. Having rules that each other can't go out socially without the other person being there is probably going to lead to resentment for both of you at some point.

 

I honestly can sympathize with your feelings. My job is 100% travel and I'm often working with attractive women. I feel the same way sometimes when my girlfriend is out at bars. I think most people would have these sort of feelings - it's the person you care most about in this world and you don't want to lose that. I see a lot of guys in my profession who are not faithful... probably over 50%. It all comes down to the type of person you're in a relationship with and how they handle the temptations that they're going to invariably run into. They have to have the morals and values that you're looking for, as well as keeping themselves out of inappropriate situations (such as 1-on-1 nights out that involve drinking when at least one party is attracted to the other).

 

Rules and restrictions aren't going to stop infidelity, if that's what you're worried about. I'd concentrate on keeping open, honest communication about both of your feelings and set aside time every day to stay connected to each other. I think that you'll both feel a lot better if you're able to express your concerns in a supportive environment rather that keeping them inside where the mind can exaggerate things.

[hexaemeron]

You sound painfully insecure, OP. If I knew that's how my partner felt about being able to do my job, I'd hand your your hat and show you the door.

 

Do you love him enough to trust him? (And don't hand me that BS noise about trusting him, but not other people - That doesn't wash.)

[just_confused1]

Okay here is how it started:

I was with him this past winter and we went to a bar for new year's with a couple of people he works with. One of the guys he works with started hitting on me when my bf went off to play pool with some other dudes. I got offended and told the guy to F off. So he goes to my bf and says that I was starting something with him. What he said I still do not know fully. BF gets mad and we leave. We talked about it and I explained what happened. I'm not 100% sure he believed me based on his actions. He has been a little distant since the new year's eve thing. My concern is that after that, we came back home and I started working locally. He left on another job assignment and has been distant with me since the 'incident' as he calls it. He started talking to a woman that works with him and was not totally forthcoming about it. I am concerned because he believes that something happened on new year's eve (what I am not sure) and I am worried that he is using that as ammo or an excuse or whatever you call it to talk to this woman. My other concern is that she is married and her H is staying with her. I dunno if this is just me being insecure or if this is something I should be worried about. I started feeling the jealousy thing ever since. I hope I am just overreacting as he has never done anything in the past that would make me think otherwise. I also don't really know what was said about my supposed flirting w/e.

[just_confused1]

Another thing about the bar rule thing:

 

We both agreed that going to bars when we are alone is a bad idea. HE was cheated on in the past and feels it is like adding fuel to the fire when you are not with your S/O. I feel for him and agree on that a lot of men you meet in the bar only want one thing. I'm sure it is not much different with women. That was something we both agreed on very early in the relationship.