Diagonal's rocky road to reconciliation: An update - Part 3 "I miss your friendship"

[Diagonal]

Ok, so a mini-update.

 

As some of you will have seen from part 2 - I'm very organized in my threads lol - I decided to vanish on go on NC for a while, as my ex was having some pretty major stress in her life that she wanted to deal with on her own.

 

Well I went 10 days no problem really, day 11 and 12 I was itching to text her but as people have said if you're feeling that bad wait 24hrs and if you're still feeling that way then do it.

 

So on day 13 - Easter Sunday I did, with a simple Happy Easter text. I kept it simple and jokey and we text back a little throughout the day.

 

Anyway, without writing all the texts out she said that "I'm really loney and I miss your friendship, I miss having my best friend " but "it sucks as I know we can't be friends yet as it doesn't feel right".

 

Now I know what people are thinking, but I'm cool with being friends for now as I don't believe for my situation this 'all or nothing' idea is gonna work for us.

 

As for 'not feeling right', I think it's because she's really (I mean massively) struggling with her eating disorder right now and my friendship would involve helping her with that (as I always have).

 

So I think the feeling right part is opening up to that help from me as that would be a huge step as leaving me was also a test and sign of her newfound independence and having me back in her life like that is kinda going against that.

 

Does that make sense? It does to me and knowing how stubborn she can be I do think that's what she means, also because she had said in the past that we couldn't move forward until all the pain and raw emotion from the split had gone - so maybe its a bit of this too?

 

I guess we'll see how it goes from here. I didn't think NC was for me and my situation really, but even just under 2 weeks have seemingly made her miss me a lot more than being in LC, plus it's given me some space to think and work on myself too.

 

I know her mental health issues may make things a bit more complicated than say a standard split, but I still think the same foundations and feelings stuff are the same.

 

Any thoughts, comments and advice would be great.

 

Thanks

[jinxremoving]

I think so long as you can handle the emotional turmoil of being around her without things being exactly on your terms then you should. She's clearly a person who could do with as much support as possible at the moment. But if she can manage without you (i.e. it's not going to worsen her condition) then I think you should keep your distance for a while until things have calmed down.

[squirl]

Oh boy. I am not a doctor, but you really need to let the professionals do their work here.

 

Is she getting professional help for her eating disorder? There are some delicate dynamics with ED regarding attention and control, and it may not be so healthy for you or her to think in terms of "my friendship would involve helping her with that (as I always have)." Leave the helping to the professionals. Support yes, help, no.

 

ED can be fatal, if untreated.

[Diagonal]

Just a quick post as I'm dashing out, in short she has no professional help as it costs way too much and she can't afford it!

 

Support/help are the same thing in my eyes in terms of what I can do for her. I'm not professing to be a doctor but knowing her condition, having someone there for reassurance is a huge help in her ongoing battle.

 

That's all I would do. I'm not trying to be her doctor, just there for her if she needs it...

[iBroken]

If there is one thing I have learned, you cannot help someone. You can be there all you want, but you wont be helping them

 

Why are you trying to fix this pigeons broken wing only for it to fly away once shes better? Im like you, Im the good person. I try to live my life and treat others the way i want to be treated, but sometimes, it bites us in the ass.

 

Unfortunately, her disorder isnt for you to fix. You cannot be her knight in shining armour.

 

If you truly feel this is the best FOR YOU, then by all means, do it. Just make sure that there are no alterior motives.

[squirl]

Just a quick post as I'm dashing out, in short she has no professional help as it costs way too much and she can't afford it!

 

Support/help are the same thing in my eyes in terms of what I can do for her. I'm not professing to be a doctor but knowing her condition, having someone there for reassurance is a huge help in her ongoing battle.

 

That's all I would do. I'm not trying to be her doctor, just there for her if she needs it...

 

She needs a doctor for her eating disorder, bipolar disorder and borderline personality disorder.

 

Is she in school? Do they have a clinic for students?

 

You said you're in touch with her family. Do they have family insurance? Is there a low-cost clinic? There are low-cost and no-cost alternatives out there.

 

Even without insurance, it is imperative that she get some kind of professional help. Encouraging her to get correct medical treatment is the most loving thing you can do. Bipolar disorder especially is often extremely treatable with the proper medication. Don't let her suffer needlessly.

 

If you know she has untreated BD, BPD and ED, her getting healthy should be the priority, not getting her back.

[Diagonal]

I totally agree. She phoned me today wanting to talk as she was really down and upset. She asked to come round tomorrow for a chat and I agreed.

 

I'm definitely going to suggest professional help. She is quite against it though. She came off meds without doctors consent and is struggling like I've not seen before.

 

My priority is as you say getting her the help she needs to get well, not getting her back.

 

Will keep you all posted.

 

Thanks guys,

[squirl]

You're doing the right thing encouraging her to get professional help.

 

A lot of it may not make sense to her until she is back on meds and accepts treatment.

 

Are you involved with her family in supporting her treatment? Please get them involved. The more people support her the better. Sometimes the family turns away because they are ashamed. Sadly, this rejection can also lead to going off meds. Don't let her waste years of her life in denial.

 

As for help, you are wise to let go and let the professionals handle it and keep your relations with her as a partner/friend, NOT healer.