1) Nothing's working. 2) NC: same affect on LDRs?

[fuddiduddy]

I am NOT getting better since my breakup of March 2. He lives in Philly, me in NYC. We managed to see each other most weekends.

 

I was optimistic at first, reading all the self-improvement books I could. Trying to keep busy and seeing my therapist. Fact of the matter is nothing helps. I cannot stand being out in public and I can find zero comfort anywhere. Everything causes pain. Going to the gym doesn't work. I've lost probably 10 pounds from not eating and I don't care about anything. I feel paralyzed and nauseous. I still cannot believe he changed so quickly, despite the seemingly believable excuse he used.

 

He weasled his way out of our great, long-distance relationship using the excuse that a very stressful personal problem (which he really had) has "changed things" and that he can no longer offer me what he was offering before (just days prior). I kinda thought it was temporary panic on his part due to his problem. I now suspect that what's "changed" was his feelings for me. You just don't end a relationship based on a personal decision-based dilemma. No one does that. He claims I was a "great partner" and it had nothing to do with me. Really? If that's the case, why was I the one being kicked to the curb as the innocent party? One would think I'd get to remain in the picture until things settle down for him. I have a feeling he's seeing someone else.

 

Trying to go the NC route after 3 wks of our occasional texting to each other. I know I'm supposed to use NC to only better myself. Truthfully, I want him back. And I want him back badly. I haven't felt love for someone like this in all my 40 yrs.

 

Often on here, I read that NC often results in the dumper returning to the dumpee. Would that apply even in a LDR?

 

You don't have to tell me my actions and thinking are unhealthy--I already know this. I just don't care. I'm devastated beyond belief with tears running as I type.

 

Oh God. Oh God. This is not happening. I'm lost...Somebody please help me.

[amontalb]

I am so sorry. My situation was similar. I live in Mass and my ex lives in NY. We saw each other every weekend and things were amazing. He got along with my family amazing and I still love his family. We laughed and all that jazz. Then he started school and said everything was too hard for him. He said that it wasn't me. I kept thinking though, how could it not be me?

 

For a month and a half I was crying every single day. I didnt want to talk to anyone and nothing anything said mattered to me. I would maybe feel better for a little bit but then turn right around and feel awful again. Like a said, this went on for over a month.

 

It has been about two months now and I am slowly starting to feel better. I never ever thought that I would. I kept telling myself I was never going to get over this and there is noone else out there for me. So many irrational thoughts were running through my head.

 

And to be honest, if he called me today I would still work it out, but I dont think about his as much and I dont have as much of the urge to call him. No contact is definitely best. I dont know if it will lead to getting back together. It depends on the different situations I suppose. But you cannot keep thinking about that.

 

I know it feels like you are just a shell of yourself, because thats what I was, but you will slowly come back to life, just give it time. I am so sorry you have to go through this, but if you search around this site so many people are going through very similar things... stay strong.

[restingpieces]

You just don't end a relationship based on a personal decision-based dilemma. No one does that.

 

Unfortunately, some people actually do. But all this says about the person who does is that when times get tough, they run. A true partner will need you around when there are signs of trouble in their lives. A true partner will appreciate your assistance in a time of need. Take solace in knowing you found this out before uprooting your life and starting one with him.

 

Feel free to cry. Let it out. This will pass.

 

Keep up the NC because right now, you're obviously not over the romance - you're not ready for his friendship. Also, at this point in time, after he walked away, he isn't deserving of your friendship.

 

Give yourself time, to yourself. Rome wasn't built in a day. If, for whatever reason, he contacts you again, if you're not over him... I would suggest you don't respond. The only way to "get back together" is to move on and reach a point where you can achieve genuine friendship and then proceed to build from there. If you still have your hang-ups from the relationship, it simply just won't work.

 

Use this time to get happy. Find a way to have a sturdy grasp on the two feet you have on the ground. That way, when someone decides to pull a rug out from underneath you again, you won't even flinch.

[fuddiduddy]

Thank you both.

 

Restingpieces, as far as hearing some comfort from someone, you have managed to hit the nail on the head with your post. My guy is still at a very weird moment right now, and it's clear he cannot handle crises well. Prior to the breakup, in my trying to support him and behave like a good partner should, he instead would growl at me, act unusually ice cold and wouldnt return my phone calls. I was like, "huh?" Further, he ran into the arms of his mother and best friend for support during his "crisis" and left me completely out of the loop. And then finally, he coldly stood me up after promising to come see me because he had to "take care of his cat". He never offered an apology or a real explanation as to that. Totally unusual behavior for him.

 

This is why I'm suspecting his feelings for me had simply changed and he was using his problem as a convenient (and timely) excuse to bail. Why would he run away from his partner and instead seek refuge in others? Answer: he knew I'd be out of the picture soon, so the hell with me and my "support." ...It's a glaring and sure sign that I simply wasnt a true priority. Now I'm unsure if I ever was.

 

But all that being said, your words have helped put things in perspective tremendously. ENA is actually my REAL source of comfort; it's the only place I end up feeling somewhat better!