told my girlfriend I was enlisting in the navy

[ItRainsItPours]

I've recently decided to enlist in the military for various reasons. Ive been dating my girlfriend for a few months and things are great. really great. needless to say she was pretty devastated when I had told her I enlisted.

 

we had this conversation last night on the phone and she hardly said anything but it sounded like she was crying quietly. today she has been very distant as well. how can I comfort her without lying? Im usually good at making her less upset but I'm at a loss for words.

 

we still havent talked about what direction our relationship will go if I do enlist. she isn't clingy but she always would take advantage of when we could spend time together and I always loved her for that. but Im not sure if she could deal with deployments. and we havent been dating for too long so even though things are great we don't have the foundation of a long term relationship. and I have yet to tell her that my job in the navy will more than likely put me in a combat environment.

 

I really need help on how to approach her. I hate that I'm making her this upset. and please don't add politics in this; there are numerous reasons for joining the military and I'm doing what I think is best for me.

[Seraphim]

You told her you plan to enlist or you HAVE enlisted, those are 2 entirely different things. Before making a life altering decision how come you did not ask what she thought of the idea? My husband has been in the military for 23 years, it is a very lonely life sometimes on both ends and I am sure she sees it as the end of the relationship. If you do not have a well grounded relationship before going off to the military the relationship seldom survives and even those that are well grounded have a hard time surviving the military life style. I am sure she sees this as the end.

[ItRainsItPours]

I have not enlisted yet. I haven't even spoken to a recruiter yet. in highschool I saw first hand the incredible influence they can have on you so I wanted to make up my mind now before talking to one. I figured I gave her a good amount of notice. things could go either way but Im definitely leaning towards enlisting.

 

I dont want things to end with her. does it have to be the end?

[russ978]

 

I really need help on how to approach her. I hate that I'm making her this upset. and please don't add politics in this; there are numerous reasons for joining the military and I'm doing what I think is best for me.

 

 

Honestly, the first thing you need to do the next time you talk to her is to tell her how sorry you are for making such a big decision that will influence your course in life without consulting her.

 

I think it is great that you are doing what you believe you need to do but with something of this magnitude without previously talking to her about it was highly insensitive.

 

My girlfriend has talked before about taking an assignment overseas and is aware that it isn't something I would handle well...we didn't get into it that far but if she just took an assignment for a couple of years over there and said 'sweety, we'll figure out a way to make this work but I'll be gone for the next couple of years'...it would likely end with us breaking up soon after she moved...

 

I can't imagine someone making such a big decision and just expecting her to go with the flow...what did you think her reaction would be? "Great, I'll never see you, you might be in constant danger etc....and it is ok you never talked with me about your life changing decision....'

 

Personally, I think it will work out for you with the military but as for the girl...that's mostly up to her.

[Seraphim]

Of course it does not have to end, but you need a super strong relationship to survive it. Remember you are going to be away months and months at a time. Times where you do not talk to each other for ages, do not spend time together for months literally. My husband has been away from home except for the some weekends here and there for 4 years. Can you both tough that out? Of course it is scary for her.

[BellaDonna]

All I can tell you is that many years ago when my husband was 18 years old and we were in the early stages of dating (not even a year yet) he told me he wanted to join the Air Force. He was in contact with recruiters. I told him I would not wait for him and the relationship would be over. There was no way I was going to be involved in an LDR or worry sick about him all the time.

 

He chose not to enlist. I always think back to that time and I am thankful that he decided against it because my life as I know it today would not be what it is.

 

You have to do what feels right for you and your future. You may end up losing your current GF as part of this process but you have to keep your own goals in sight. If it is that important to you, you just have to keep moving forward and never look back.

 

You should tell her all of the facts: Why you want to do it, that you are not trying to hurt her. You also need to tell her this:

 

my job in the navy will more than likely put me in a combat environment.

 

and you will have to make an informed decision as a couple where to go from here.

 

I dont want things to end with her. does it have to be the end?

 

There is a risk that the relationship will end. You'll have to talk to her...

[ItRainsItPours]

she's been avoiding me today. she says she is too busy to talk on the phone (which she always managed to do before) and just keeps saying "Im fine babe, dont worry". I know my her and she is very sensitive and very fond of me; I know there is no way she is okay right now but she isnt letting me in.

 

I also havent made any final decisions yet, I figured there was no use in telling her and getting her all upset if I was just lightly thinking about it. I waited until I did more research on the matter and I began considering it strongly before saying anything. Im still going to do my research for a couple more months before talking to a recruiter so I figured I didnt completely blind side her on my way to boot camp.

 

I dont want things to end with her but I need to do this. she wouldn't ask me not to sign up, but if I do and things end with us I feel like she'll always be that one who got away. we've dated shortly but Ive never felt this way about a girl before. I dont know how to give that all up.

[Seraphim]

I wish you all the best just know that it could end things. Also too it is not an easy life. I was in the military 13 years myself. It is harder than you can ever dream when you start out. Some people love it and are born to be there like my husband, but it is hell on relationships. I have seen him about 70 days a year or so for 4 years and it is hard to raise a child alone.

[Kumatora]

I dont want things to end with her but I need to do this. she wouldn't ask me not to sign up, but if I do and things end with us I feel like she'll always be that one who got away. we've dated shortly but Ive never felt this way about a girl before. I dont know how to give that all up.

 

I think you need to take a LOT of time to figure out what you want to do with your life. You need to figure out if you are ready to continue dating this girl (you're in the honeymoon phrase) or if you need a career. You can't always have both and her reaction has basically told you that she will not wait for you if you enlist in the Navy.

[ItRainsItPours]

we had a long and very draining conversation today. I explained to her why I wanted to enlist and what that would entail. I'm thinking about joining the navy reserves so I can atleast be home in between deployments. I finally told her how i feel about her, I knew for sometime she had been getting upset thinking we werent on the same page when that wasnt the case. when she realized I feel the same way she does she told me she would support me 100%.

 

I'm still scared. like I said I will more than likely be sent the middle east with my contract. I know this going in, Im ready to do my bit. but more than dieing I'm afraid of not coming back to her.

[Kumatora]

Well... yea, this is the military son. There's no *#^%ying out like a boss once you're in. This is the real deal. There are also no guarantees what will happen to you. This means physically and psychologically. Good things can happen and so can bad things. Again, you need to take some time to think about this choice you've made and if you're 100% in it. Don't just take the plunge. Think it all through before committing before you belong to Uncle Sam.

[ItRainsItPours]

Im taking several months before talking to any recruiters. I know how good they are at their jobs, I plan on having my mind made up before speaking to them. Im in no rush, the military isnt going anywhere. thanks for the advice and thank you for your service.